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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How do I stop an unsuitable friendship?

14 replies

SuperAmoo · 10/12/2009 13:33

DD1 is 4 in a week and there's a girl at preschool that she plays with sometimes and this girl's mum has been asking for ages for DD1 to come round and play. But my instincts have said from the start - no, this isn't a good idea - I just get a really bad feeling about it.

Finally relented and went there this morning and all my bad feelings were confirmed. Child was really bolshy and crazy and incredibly naughty and running all over the house taking icecream out of the freezer, breaking things, not listening to a word her mum said and bossing her mum around. My DD1 was obviously very overwhelmed by this being quite a sensitive soul and fairly obedient.

I have nothing against this child but no way is she a suitable friend for DD1 and no way would I be happy leaving DD there to play on her own. So...I just don't know how to 'get out of' this friendship that the child's mother is trying to encourage. I can't keep saying we're busy - I see her three time's a week at preschool and she always talks to me and tries to organise stuff which is lovely but...should I just be honest and say 'I'm sorry but DD1 doesn't want to come and play'???

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Skegness · 10/12/2009 13:36

I'd just keep saying you're busy.

pigletmania · 10/12/2009 13:40

Aww i feel for the mum must be hard. I would just say that your dd does not want to play with anyone and leave it at that. I do have a problem because my dd 2.9 does not like to play with other children at the moment just by herself hopefully will grow out of it and, is intimidated by noisy hyper kids including her cousin.

MoneyNoObject · 10/12/2009 13:41

but you said your dd1 plays with this child.

I would say that your busy if you really don't want to go round there and play, but tbh you can't stop a friendship between children.

RealityIsHungover · 10/12/2009 13:43

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Original poster

SuperAmoo · 10/12/2009 14:13

I am posting because I need some practical advice. The child's mother is such a nice person and I really don't want to hurt her feelings or leave her thinking that I don't like her daughter. Her daughter is fine. She just isn't a suitable friend for my DD who is quiet and shy and likes to sit quietly playing with Playmobil. Whereas this other child is totally NUTS. I don't understand why she keeps pressing to get the two children together but she is relentless. So I need a way of closing the matter because I'm sick of dancing around the houses saying we're busy. DD asked to go home after an hour this morning so she's started the ball rolling. Now I just need help finding the right way of telling this lady that my DD doesn't want to be friends with her daughter outside preschool. I don't know how to do it - I'm not good at saying things that might upset someone.

OP posts:

pigletmania · 10/12/2009 14:17

Sounds as though your dd does not really get on with her, just tell the mum that dd would rather play on her own and prefers her own company, thats what i would say myself. No reason why you cant be friends with the mother if you want to, her dd might change later on when she is older and settle down more.

KurriKurri · 10/12/2009 14:18

Maybe the little girl was just showing off and being silly because she had someone round to play. Children can often behave out of character when they get over excited. Is there any way you could have the child round to play at yours, so you set the boundaries?

Maybe having your daughter as a friend will help calm her down. Often opposite characters can influence each other in a good way.

pigletmania · 10/12/2009 14:18

No of course you cannot dictate friendships but the dd of this op does not seem to like the company of the other girl. When she is older she will be able to say who she likes or not.

pigletmania · 10/12/2009 14:25

Try having her other girl at your house for an hour or so but if its clear that your dd does not like the company of the other girl you cannot force her to like her and put her in a situation that she does not like.

WaitingForVino · 10/12/2009 14:33

I agree you can't keep giving excuses that only delay the problem like "i'm busy...again." Best to be honest but tactful. As another said, you could say that your daughter just prefers to play on her own at the moment, sorry, but let's maybe try it again in a few months' time? Or, tell her you'd love for the two of them to be friends but you think your daughter gets too stressed out when she plays at the other's house. Apologise and explain that it's probably just a phase, and you'd like to try again in awhile...HTH

pigletmania · 10/12/2009 15:31

By what you said op the mum sounds lovely and could do with somebody to talk to as she sounds quite stressed, why not invite her round with her dd or without if you prefer during nursery.

Original poster

SuperAmoo · 11/12/2009 21:31

Thanks everyone. Your comments have really helped. You know when you get stuck in a problem and can't think 'outside the box'!! You've hit the nail on the head about the child's mother. The thing is I really like her and I'd like us to be friends. And I DO feel that she is struggling with her DD's crazy antics and could use some company. But I just feel so worried about my own DD not being able to stand up her DD as she is SO bolshy and dominating and ...quite rude really. But I'm not going to give up quite yet. I am going to invite them round here. Perhaps just the daughter and see if she is different when she is in our house. Maybe you're right, maybe she was just showing off. I can't tell her my DD just likes playing on her own because she knows that we invite other friends to play round our house!

OP posts:

pigletmania · 12/12/2009 16:04

I have that issue with a good friend of mine, unfortunately my dd finds her little a bit rough and tumble and not keen on playing with him, even though he likes playing with her. This mum and i became good friends as we met at mums and babies, i just go round to her house or she to mine, and chat to her, and the kids can do their own thing. Mabey you could become friends with the mum as she does sound really lovely and just meet at each others houses occasionally, that way the kids can play with each other with you keeping an eye on things and the reassurance that you are there for your dd.

pigletmania · 12/12/2009 16:07

Eventually your dd may pluck up the courage to say to her dd that she does not want to play with her. It would be nice if you do become friends with the mum. In time it will be evident that they do not get on and you can say that to the mum especially when she can see it.

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