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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

mean mean mean ... and mean again

20 replies

joburg · 09/12/2009 07:57

i'm so tired of my DD's mean remarks all the time!!!! there is not a single day i will not hear all about how her 'friends' have done this and that BAAAAD things. If i tell her that bread is finished and we need to go to the shop and buy a new one, i'll hear things like OK, FINE, THEN I'M FINISHED TOO (whatever that means but the tone only was enough to make me mad). If i say 'we can eat eggs one more time today, but then tmrw we need to try smth else' i will hear OK, FIIIIIINEEEEEE, I DON'T WANT EGGS TODAY EITHER ..... i just can't find any more resources to smile at her and try to soften the conflict!!!!! How do you handle this? (... and still keep sane, couse right now i just feel like turning my back to her and leaving the room, so i won't hear her nasty comments again)

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Doodlez · 09/12/2009 11:46

How old is she?

If she's above 7 or 8 - bribe her!

Talk to her about her tone of voice and how she uses it and how if affects people. Then do a deal with her - she has to get through one day without saying anything arsey or contrary and if she does it, she gets a fiver. Every time she uses the voice, she loses a quid off the £5 prize.

Also, if you can catch her on a video camera, you'll probably be able to stun her out of using the voice/attitude. Nothing like a bit o' video footage and actually hearing your own whine to shut you up!

FernieB · 09/12/2009 11:52

How old is she? Mine (age 9) can be like that too sometimes. I also get sick of the negativity at times. When they've reeled off countless things their friends have done, I stop them and ask them to think of 1 nice thing that happened that day. They can usually come up with something, even if it is just that school dinner was nice for a change.

I would ignore the tone of voice as much as possible and just respond calmly to the words. So if she says, 'I'M FINISHED TOO', you could say, 'great, we can clear up then'. If it gets too much, leave the room without responding, or ask her to leave the room until she can speak in a more pleasant tone.

Original poster

joburg · 09/12/2009 14:15

ooooo, DD is 6 1/6 ... and i day after day after day explain about the tone, the uppseting thing, etc etc. It's like walking on tip-toes with her especially when we are on the way somewhere, if i would apply the 'go to your room and think abt it' thing, we would never be going out anymore because she gets 'nasty' every time we need to go out if she is told she needs to have a jumper because it's cold outside, or she shouldn't put a dress when we all go biking. It's a damn battle for every little thing, and the 'but this' and 'but that' are popping out like every 5 minutes. I'm at the wits ends with her.

OP posts:

Doodlez · 09/12/2009 14:17

I feel your pain!

Original poster

joburg · 09/12/2009 15:12

but why is she so negative? about everything at all????? what can i do to help her change the way she is behaving? Not only that she is unpleasant to us, but is she ever gonna get any friends if she continues like this (right now she lost 3 friends already, nobody is really visiting her nowadays)

OP posts:

Doodlez · 09/12/2009 16:53

Jo, there's a book called the Unwritten Rules of Friendship. I have it but I've lent it to my child's teacher!!!

In it, it lists about 9 different 'types' or flavours of children. My child, for example, is a Different Drummer.

The book explains the characteristics and how you can help the child tackle them.

There was a 'type' that described negative children but for the life of me, I can't remember what it was called. I don't know what it said about this type either because I only read the bits concerned with my son. It might be worth putting a thread out asking if someone on here who has the book could look it up for you.

Also, loads and loads of children are negative or seem negative. The mid-ages between say 6 and 11 seem to me^ to be a prime age for this.

There have been many threads on MN before about it. Try a search in the archives and see if previous advice to OP's might help.

FernieB · 10/12/2009 10:30

Aah, so your DD is 6! Quite a few friends (and me) noticed that when our DD's hit 6, they turned from the pleasant happy little souls they were into little so and so's. Fortunately, this passed and at 7 and 8, they were lovely again. Now aged 9, we're back being sulky again. I think it's one of the joys of children.

Original poster

joburg · 10/12/2009 15:44

Doodlez, i tried to order the book already some time ago (we don't live in europe), it's gonna take at least 8 weeks .... what until then? any practical tips?

Fernie, DD was like this last year too ... 5 years old and grumpy, grudgy, angry? the teacher told me she could stay in an angry mood for the WHOLE day and even remeber the hard feelings the next day. That i don't think it's normal.

On the other hand, how shall i cope with the fact that kids don't want to play with her? What shall i do abt it????? That only makes things worse. How can i explain the 'teasing' thing to her? Kids are not mean to her, just playing and teasing each other, but she gets so angry, they turn their back to her directly (it's hard for me not to do it as an adult, i certainly understand those kids).

OP posts:

FernieB · 11/12/2009 08:14

She's only 6, she may just not get yet, than when friends tease each other they don't mean everything they say literally. You could tell her stories about yourself at that age and what you did with your friends and how you used to tease each other (you can make it up too!) Mine love to hear about my friends and now if they have an issue at school, they'll ask me if there was someone like that in my class (I always say yes!)

It's a difficult one. Try and be as positive as you can all the time, not just to her but about everything, so you set an example. Does she have any outside interests or clubs? Maybe she needs to find a hobby she really enjoys, or perhaps a very physical sport to work off her anger. A boy I know was getting in trouble at school, fighting and stuff. His parents took him to karate and he loves it and he's calmed down a lot.

I sympathise, I really do. I have one negative child and one stubborn one (they also have other wonderful qualities but we had a bad morning and I can't think of any right now!). I find they both benefit from keeping a diary, which is totally private to them. They write or draw how they feel about the day and it seems to help them let it go.

Sorry for being so long-winded.

Original poster

joburg · 13/12/2009 14:32

one more day .... a rainy one, so no playground at all, with no friends ringing at our door (i met a couple of them and invited them over but none showed up even though they politely said they would). today i was not in the best mood and didn't even try to ask how it went in school, so things went fine, no depressing stories (i was depressed enough not to ad some of those negative endless sagas of hers) ..... but can't go on like this for too long, esp now when the winter holidays are coming (god help me, what shall i do with her for almost 3 weeks?!?!)

how can i keep positive??????

OP posts:

Comma2 · 15/12/2009 02:33

jo, maybe read up on comunication techniques eg in: parent effectiveness training?

Original poster

joburg · 15/12/2009 14:26

Comma, i'm not sure i know what you mean? Communication techniques? I'd love to find out more.

In the meantime my last post was just about me not being able to handle the negativism .... from my point of view, not DD's. I'm sure you all had that day/days when you just can't take it any more. And that no matter if it's about your precious DD/DS, you feel like your nerves are not there for you to help find those 'smart' replies recommended in the books (i can think of 'how to talk so kids will listen'). My question was more about how do I handle these days? Is it ok if i make mistakes and not go by the books? Is it ok if i loose my temper and just tell DD to consider HER attitude instead of blaming and blaming and blaming everybody else?! If i end up loosing my temper how do i justify this to her?

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IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 15/12/2009 14:29

I have no answers but reading your OP I thought I'll bet her dd is 6.
Do you know how many friends and owners of 6 year old girls are going throught this right now myself included.
I keep saying if dd is like this now then what on earth is she going to be like at 13.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 15/12/2009 14:30

Oh and I banned the word 'but' in our house as wel because every request was met with "but Muum......"

Original poster

joburg · 15/12/2009 15:47

ineeedndrjhehehkahiui sorry, i tried to type your name impossible, way tooooooo long going back to the discussion, i say the same thing .... crap, she is going to be impossible when she grows up! And the worst thing i can think about is that i am her mama, i can bear with her, but who else will
I am working on the 'but' issue, too .... but that raises more storms ... and what storms!!!!

OP posts:

upahill · 15/12/2009 15:55

It's just a phase. 12 months from now it will be a different set of problems chalenges

OtterInaSkoda · 15/12/2009 15:57

joburg - If your dd is anything like my ds (and all the other dc I know) I can pretty much guarantee that she is rarely if ever Ms Moodypants with anyone other than you, so don't worry too much about other people

Original poster

joburg · 15/12/2009 16:39

Haaaaaa, it's funny!!!!! That made may day Otter ))))) As for me, oh crap, i can allways have some camomille tea to calm me down, if that doesn't work, a bit of wiskey will help

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IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 15/12/2009 17:02

Ah see Otter I know that is rue of my dd I can send her anywhere and butter wouldn't melt she is an angel if others have taken her out or had her at their house.....bring her home and the stroppy tweenie is back. ah well I must be doing something right then I suppose.
The one good thing I have is my friend her dd is 1 year and 1 month older than mine and it is funny all the phases her dd is just passing my dd enters so it does help to see it isn't going to last forever.

Original poster

joburg · 16/12/2009 08:45

DD is indeed a honeypudding with others ... other adults, i mean. everybody just loves her and thinks i'm a paranoid mother except for the kids. they just can't be fooled, i guess, so DD has basically no friends at all. she gets along well with 2 year olds who would let her run the game/ make no sense of whatever she is saying over there but the others, the kids in her age or even a bit younger, they just avoid her and i can't blame them at all. she just isn't fun to be with (at least for the moment .... hopefully). please tell me AGAIN this is just a phase, couse i'm waiting for a year and a half for it to pass ....

OP posts:

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