18 month old separation anxiety.. please help me to deal with it!

[harimosmummy]

OK, it's my own fault, Everyone told me to leave my (PFB) DS at 6-8 months so he wouldn't suffer too badly with separation anxiety.. but Who am I to listen to the wisdom of those who have 'been there and done that'?

So, I now have 18MO DS and 4MO DD, and have enrolled them both in a (lovely) nursery / creche. DD (obviously) is no hassle at all, but DS screams the place down - so much so that he has started to make himself sick (Weirdly, I (and the nursery staff) think he's doing this to himself, by sticking his fingers down his throat, which is a bit worrying)

I know, now that I've started this, I have to see it through - otherwise, I might as well say to him 'Yep, you have every right to wail and I'll take you out' but, PLEASE tell me how to get through it.

I try to be positive and tell him he'll have a lovely time. I don't leave the site (it's a hotel / gym) so I HONESTLY tell him, I'm only a few moments away, just out of sight.. what else can I do?

I really don't feel anxious leaving him there (or DD for that matter), the staff are wonderful...

FWIW, he is fine there, as long as I'm present.

At 18MO, his reasoning skills aren't up to much... I've tried just 'disappearing' when he's not looking, I've tried having him see me go...

I really, really, want him to be happy there - and I am sure he could be....

The nursery staff are happy to have him any day / time / duration and are happy for me to stay with him if needs be... so what should I do?

ATM, I'm only leaving him for 45 minutes (he pretty much wails the entire time) but I'm wondering if I SHOULD leave him for longer and I'm not giving him enough time to settle?

Any advice would be really really, appreciated

HM x

Are you going to work? because if not you don't have to see it through just because you've started the process. I felt the same way about ds and persisted with nursery 3 monrings a week for over a year, thinking it was good for him to be wiht other children. I really regret it and wish I'd taken him out earlier than I did as he was miserable for much of that year. We had several months at home together and then he started pre-school where he couldn't be happier.
I think sneaking out is the worst hting you can do, he will suddenly discover you have disappeared. Best to leave him with a bye bye, see you "after lunch" "after your nap" or whenever, but give a time he will understand.
I really think that some children just aren't ready to be away from their mums til they are much older (not judging working parents, I know sometimes there is no choice)

No, I don't need to work.

But (selfishly) I don't want to take him out either. I was a clingy child (even to the point I remember it.. hated first day at school etc., etc.,) and my mum always pandered to it. Always there, with hugs and kisses and rewards - which I can see now, fueled my problem. I don't want my DS to miss out.. but equally, I don't want to traumatise him either...

But, you know, your point about working mums is a good one... If I HAD to leave him, would I (and therefore he) just deal with it?

As I said, PFB!!!!!

Hairosmummy I can sympathise. Iput my ds into a lovely nursery when he was 13 months old and he (like your ds) screamed. He cried from the second we got there to the second we got home (cried the entire car journey home awell). I took him out after a month becauselike you I wasn't working but just wanted him to socialise and get used to other people looking after him. He is 2 now and has zero confidence with other people and I wish I'd have seen it through. I wish I could help more but I think it really comes down to personal choice and what you feel is best for your child. xxxx

thankyou, smileyboy.... that is interesting. reply more later x

I think there is a balance tbh. I firmly believe (and my own children so far back up my theories) that the more you allow them to be 'attached' and secure, the LESS clingy they become. But I have left mine happily with others (my mum/dh/a friend) and they have been fine. Definitely agree a happy wave and bye bye sweetheart see you later! is the way to go. And if he is still miserable after a few sessions, I'd try again when he is a bit older.

MAybe, try and up the amount of 'little' leavings you do, so leaving him for a minute while you go to the loo, and saying same thing eg 'back in a minute'. And following same bye bye/hello as if it was a 'proper' goodbye. Am thinking the 'disappearing' may have freaked him out a little bit, but they learn new habits really quickly at this age so will quickly learn a new cheery goodbye.

I don't think they learn 'if I wail I will get my own way' though, particularly at this age, it's just instinctive. But for you, I saw lots of kids cry loads at playgroup then 3 mins later happily playing - staff were v good at cuddling and distracting.

PS 18mths and 4mths! Wow - not surprised you need a break

Well... yes, quite, Adair

And a DH who works FT in Germany

Ds does stay with my nannyshare (and another little boy) without problem and is certainly not what I'd call clingy around the house or at the classes we go to...

It's just such a hard one, isn't it? Don't want him to be dependant on me, but don't want to force him into something he just isn't ready for...

But, FWIW, he doesn't play happily 3 minutes after I've gone... He wails the entire time I'm gone.. Not really tears, but desperately upset.

Hmmm... I'd be inclined to trust your instincts. I have to say if my 18mth PFB cried the whole time at childcare (and was fine with other childcare), I'd give it a miss. And that prob goes for neglected second-born too... But if you think it's just getting used to it, only you can decide (helpful, huh?)

Yeah... it's a tough call!

I really, really do believe that the place is great (though (this is a long story!) I think he may have had a bad experience at a previous nursery which I DID take him out of... They swear not, so I'll never know, but I believe it)

But, I do trust this one... I'm only a minute away...

Trouble is, I think it comes down to him feeling in control. Everywhere else, he gets to choose (and our nanny has been here since before he can remember) whether he comes with me or not (I rarely stop him, even if he wants to come to the loo / shower with me!) whereas, he feels he is being left at nursery...

I think my gut feel is that I have to keep going with this one!

harimosmummy - hi i have a dd the same age as your ds (and a school age ds). I would be inclined at this age to be a bit firmer around the house - ie do go to the loo or whatever with an explananation etc. I would also leave him with friends for an hour or so every so often if possible.

I dont really think they need to be unattached as such but I do think they should get used to not getting their own way ALL of the time - just most of the time

I probably wouldnt persist with the creche if he hates it - 18mo is too young I think.

Oh and I dont know how (not helpful I know) but you need to watch that making themselves sick thing - I had a friend who's dcs were always doing this and it was a real pain - sometimes you do need to leave them to have a tantrum as toddlers and this is really hard if they have learnt to puke on demand.

Domesticextremist - Am interested to know other kids who have / do this.

I can't say for sure, but I am pretty sure DS DOES make himself sick, because he knows that's a sure fire way of getting out of whatever situation he's in and I'll come running back with cuddles etc.,... The previous nursery he was in had a policy of 'be sick and go home' - AKA as soon as a child was sick, the parents would be called and it got to the point, I wouldn't have made it back down the drive when my DS was sick...

Trouble is, without the creche, i don't have any DC free time whatsoever (Nannyshare only looks after 1 child at a time) and I would very much like an hour or two off a week...

If your gut instinct is to stick with it (and if he's happy in other child care situations this sounds reasonable), you need to come up with a plan with the nursery. My dd was very strongly attached to me when started nursery at 18 months and a few things that helped were 1. telling her where we were going, handing her over to someone else on arrival, saying good bye and reminding her that I'd see her later and then leaving (the nursery were always very happy with me calling them a little later to check that she'd settled) 2. reminding her of what she was going go do that day and who would be there (this is when the staff come in as they'll know more than you 3. ensuring she was there at the same time each day so she got used to the routine 4. saying that I was sure that she'd have a lovely time. Odd as it may sound, it might be that 45 mins isn't long enough. If he knows that you're just out of sight and will be back very, very soon there's not much time for anyone to distract him and create positive experiences other than just 'being left'.
Also, I don't think it's your 'fault'. There's absolutely no guarantee that leaving them with others at peak separation anxiety would have helped; it's about creating new relationships now.
FWIW, my dd has slowly become less clingy mainly I think due to language development and understanding what's going on better and at 2.8 years is fairly confident and assertive.

Regarding the sick thing - I think the mum used to see it as an awful thing and rush over and give them lots of attention - the one time they did it to me when I looked after them my reaction was to give the oldest a towel and tell her to go to the bathroom - she was 4 btw and then I just cleaned the youngest up without comment - they were a bit shocked at my lack of empathy but thats the way to go I think, no attention for it at all.

Its one of those tricky behavioural things tho - like headbanging. Something you cant ignore like you can screaming and flailing.

gah!
am typing with an onscreen keyboard~ takes ages! all advice much appreciaed will rite more laer x

He SETTLED today!!!!

Only thing I did differently was just leave him at the front door... Can't say he was HAPPY being left, but he did settle and play nicely.

PLEASE let this be a turning point for us!! [hopeful]

Thanks guys!

{smile] Hurrah!