Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

Original poster

Troublesome 2.5 ds sock tantrum

24 replies

ilovejonty · 06/12/2009 12:52

DS is refusing lately to have various items of clothing put on - socks / top / trousers / jumper etc (it rotates from day to day). Today it was socks, he was all dressed ok but threw a major wobbly when I tried to put his socks on.

Luckily I am not in a hurry today but when I am this is a nightmare. I try everything, but usually end up really frustrated and snap at him then feel ashhamed and guilty. Today I tried putting socks on his favourite teddy, then taking teddy away saying you can have him back when you are ready to put your socks on. This ended up with more screaming and crying (I mean snot all down the face crying) and screaming for teddy. Eventually I relented and let him have (sock wearing) teddy back.

I then got so fed up I literally wrestled the socks onto him anyhow while he was laying down. He was screaming 'no like it, no want socks on' and kicking me all the time. And I screamed back I don't care what you want you're having them on.

I realise my parenting skills are crap and am ready to be ridiculed but (a) don't know what to do and (b) would like to learn a better way of doing it.

Can anyone help me? I hate losing my temper. I seem to be either really weak or lose it and shout - he absolutely ignores just a stern voice. I tried stern voice earlier and he laughed and kicked me. What can / should I do?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

ilovejonty · 06/12/2009 12:56

PS After I got the socks on I left him upstairs and could hear him crying saying 'no like it here' which broke my heart. I think he is meaning he prefers it at my parents where there is zero discipline (he goes there when I am at work, I can't afford any other option ATM) and he is totally indulged which doesn't help.

OP posts:

Original poster

ilovejonty · 06/12/2009 13:13

Anyone?

OP posts:

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 06/12/2009 13:17

You aren't crap, toddlers are very very frustrating at times. Mine doesn't do this, because he knows socks on means going out and he likes going out. However he doesn't keep them on so in cold weather I often put thick tights on him instead so he isn't barefoot in the pushchair.

Have you tried bribery? socks with his favourite character on? reasoning with him? (I know this sounds daft but sometimes they amaze you by having a moment of reason and clarity)

You could try the tights thing, saying they're "special trousers" which is the approach I'd be tempted to take.

Remember it's a phase, and he does want to be with you. All children would like to have zero discipline but you know you would be being a bad parent to not teach him the rules. It's december, he needs socks on. If no socks on, he can't go to the swings/see the bunnies in the petshop/go to mums n toddlers. That's it.

PerArduaAdSolInvictus · 06/12/2009 13:19

Had a lot of this sort of thing with DS, including not wanting to go into car seat which was of course non-negotiable. I mostly said - 'we can do this the easy way or the hard way, but either way you end up dressed/strapped in/washed etc'.

But then I am a bitch

Original poster

ilovejonty · 06/12/2009 13:25

So am I doing it 'right' then? I'm so confused about how much is reasonable to let him get away with.

OP posts:

PerArduaAdSolInvictus · 06/12/2009 13:33

I'm not sure what is 'right' in this situation - just different ways of getting it done, preferably with the fewest tears...

Do you tell him what's going to happen before you start? That can sometimes help, although it can sometimes give them a chance to kick-off even earlier . But worth saying 'now we need to to this, because if not you wn't be able to do that' before, and see if that makes a difference?

And frankly, if there's going to be a tantrum anyway (and some days you know there will be) you might as well just do whatever needs to be done as quick as poss, letting you move on to tear-drying/cuddles/cbeebies just as quickly...

Original poster

ilovejonty · 06/12/2009 13:36

Oh yes - I try a lot of reasoning beforehand. I think I am very patient, for longer than many. That's why I end up so frsutrated because after all that, nothing seems to work - we always reach the end of the road, so to speak, with him crying/ screaming and me screaming over him.

OP posts:

PerArduaAdSolInvictus · 06/12/2009 13:48

Ah, maybe you're talking a bit too much then? At 2.5 the attention span is fairly limited. Try some briskness? This, then, the other, oh look your socks are on lets go...?

Plus take confidence from the fact that - if it's going to end in him crying/screaming, then go ahead anyway and get to the nicer stuff quicker

Original poster

ilovejonty · 06/12/2009 14:08

DS has just thrown a hard plastic toy at my head, it hurt so much it's made me cry. What should I do?

OP posts:

PerArduaAdSolInvictus · 06/12/2009 14:26

Erk. Put the toy out of reach(for now) and tell him that hurt?

Original poster

ilovejonty · 06/12/2009 14:29

I keep telling him he shouldn't throw things but it's clearly not sinking in. I'm just so worried that he will continue to throw things and hurt other children when he starts nursery. Toy taklen away but there are numerous more for him to select!

OP posts:

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 06/12/2009 14:33

I would say very firmly "that was very naughty, you've hurt mummy's head now" then take the toy away, and remove yourself from the situation, and ignore him for a couple of minutes even if he screams or does other attention seeking things (unless they're dangerous, obviously) At this age all they want is your attention, good or bad - withdrawing it is punishment enough sometimes.

You're having a hard day, but try not to think you're doing it all wrong. Mothers everywhere suffer exactly the same struggles with their toddlers every day, and as a parent you do some things right, and some things wrong, all day long. You can only do your best! Don't be hard on yourself, it's tough.

What I would say is that if you've told him nicely what's going to happen ("WHEN you've got your socks, shoes and coat on, THEN we're going to play in the park, yay!") if he then decides to shout or scream, don't scream back, just switch off your voice. Just get it done, whatever it is. Hold him down briefly but firmly so he can't kick you, and pop the socks on, shove the shoes on top and then say as cheerfully as you can muster "Right then! now you're all dressed let's go to the park!" and jump up.

This requires getting eeeverything else ready first so you literally are ready to go, because searching for your keys or feeding the cat etc will lose the message that you're trying to send. (Do this thing you don't like, then you can instantly do something you do like) He'll get it soon enough, and give him loads of praise when he doesn't scream - even a tiny improvement in behaviour is worth a cheer imho!

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 06/12/2009 14:35

Yeah you just need to focus on the fact that it hurt you and made you sad, rather than just telling him not to do it.

PerArduaAdSolInvictus · 06/12/2009 14:37

What James said (phew, someone who knows what they're talking about )

Original poster

ilovejonty · 06/12/2009 14:39

Thanks for your posts

OP posts:

pooter · 06/12/2009 18:20

just one more suggestion that might work - i started saying "if you dont do X then i will count to five then i will make you do it". He hates me counting and will say "no no im coming". It's very unusual to get to three!

(this has not affected his enthusiasm for counting by the way! he is not scared of numbers)

I remain amazed that this works!

PerArduaAdSolInvictus · 06/12/2009 18:37

DS is nearly 6 now and counting to 3 still works! (Didn't have the patience to count to 5).

One other thing - when you're in the middle of this, it is worth reminding yourself why you're doing it. I used to make an effort (and some mornings it was an effort) to put a smile on my face before I went into his room in the morning, and remind myself that it was a new day amd didn't have to be as crap as yesterday. Just a quick reminder that your DS is entirely gorgeous, and won't be a tantrummer for ever

SoupDragon · 06/12/2009 18:39

This sounds similar to my battles with DD. I tell her she has to put on now but when we get home, she can change to whatever she wants.

earlyriser · 06/12/2009 18:45

What James said especially the being ready the minute he has his shoes on, not so much that he doesn't lose the message, but so he doesn't have his shoes and socks off the minute you turn round to get the keys (like my ds would do)

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 06/12/2009 19:04

Phew, I went away to do food shopping and halfway through thought "god I hope I didn't sound patronising" - I really didn't intend to, after all ds is my only dc so far (due dc2 in may) and we have our own struggles (sleep, at the moment - he's up 3-5 times a night just wanting to be tucked in, the interrupted sleep is killing me)

I've tried the 1-2-3 magic, doesn't seem to work on my ds, I think I must be doing it wrong? He just laughs.

PerArduaAdSolInvictus · 06/12/2009 19:08

Counting takes a while to kick in - with DS he'd just ignore me at 2.5, but by 3.5 was scrambling to comply!

earlyriser · 06/12/2009 19:30

Yes, my dd (4) is very compliant, will do anyhing to please and i now have the most wilful/stubborn/ downright defiant (sp?) ds (2.3. I'm sure he will go far in life as he'll never back down, but boy is it hard work

Clare123 · 06/12/2009 21:45

I have a LO who is 2.4 yrs, and have a technique that works for us.

I get down to his level and say "right, time for the park, lets put your shoes on". He normally shouts no, so I say "right, I will count to three and if you are not coming here to put your shoes on, then mummy will have to hold you and do it". I count to 3, and 99.9% he comes running and sits down and I put his shoes on with lots and LOTS of praise. If he doesn't sit down, I do hold him down. It is horrible for both of us, but as we both hate it, he hardly ever does not do what I ask him. For some reason the couting works!

It is just finding a technique that works for you, but I think the most important thing is to follow through with warnings and be consistent. It doesn't always work - and some days it seems really hard to be cool and consistent, but I keep trying.

Also - I have to remind myself this is just a phase and he will grow out of it.

alittleteapot · 07/12/2009 20:56

Interesting to read this thread. We are at a point with our 2.5 year old where we're feeling like we need to reinforce a few boundaries, but it's so hard when they're so strong willed. Major battles are teeth-cleaning and also getting dressed. I force-teeth cleaned her the ohter day and then felt terrible. Don't have any answers just solidarity and useful to see replies.

Flip