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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DD1 says she has no friends at school

23 replies

Sexonlegs · 03/12/2009 20:43

It is breaking my heart

DD1 is 6 and in year 2.

She can be a handful; is quite competitive at times, but nothing out of the ordinary.

I spoke to her teacher about it, and she suggested asking 1 or 2 girls home which we did on Tuesday.

The next day, the girl totally ignored B and just pushed past her.

Really not sure what to do.

In my heart, I am not sure thngs are as bad as B makes out, as she doesn't create a fuss when I drop her off at school.

However, I alo don't want to ignore the issue. Has anyone had experience of this, and how was it resolved.

Thank you

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Original poster

Sexonlegs · 03/12/2009 21:18

Anyone??

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EndangeredSpecies · 03/12/2009 21:36

what did the teacher say apart from the suggestion? is she noticing that your DD gets left out of things at school?

My little boy (4.5) is at infant school and keeps saying that nobody wants to play with him and is going through a phase of hating school. He said the same thing all of last year. He can be quite, how shall I say, determined to get his own way so we had a chat about taking it in turns to choose the game, giving and taking, sharing etc. We also gave a party for him on his birthday at the end of the school year, and everyone came, so as far as I'm concerned there's nothing "personal".

I've been trying to widen their circle of acquaintances... I think it's important to cultivate a lot of different friends to avoid problems when they fall out with one of them ... hard work but worth it in the long run. As for the little girl who ignored your DD... just keep inviting different children every so often, until you find a few that reciprocate/she feels comfortable with?

Original poster

Sexonlegs · 03/12/2009 21:48

Thanks for replying

The teacher just put it down to children maturing at different stages and growing out of friendships.

Last Friday she actually said to me that B seemed much happier.

Confused!

I asked B who she would like to invite home next, and she has said no-one. Her self esteem has been knocked.

I would like to go to the playground in cognito and watch her!

OP posts:

linglette · 03/12/2009 22:21

There is an extremely good book called "The Unwritten Rules of Friendship". It may well help you strategise.......

JaynieB · 03/12/2009 22:26

That must be very hard for you - probably more so than for your little one, who will no doubt make friends and lose them again and then make them again all in the space of a few days!
What about doing some out of school stuff that would bring her into contact with some new children?
My little girl is nearly 3 and tells me she doesn't like any of her 'friends' at nursery, yet the staff say all the kids get on just fine.
Good luck & I hope you and B get sorted.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 04/12/2009 07:24

FWIW, my dd is having some friendship issues at school with her on off best friend. She is 8.7 and really really challenging at home, but at school apparently is an angel. IME, when inviting friends home, never have a threesome. Two will always play together leaving the singleton out. I'd try again with maybe one friend. Good luck, it is heartbreaking to hear your child say no one likes her.

Original poster

Sexonlegs · 04/12/2009 07:43

Thanks for your replies.

We only had 1 girl home - I know 3 can be a crowd.

I just don't get it. The girl seemed to really enjoy her time, but yet, the next day she didn't give B a second look. Kids are so fickle aren't they?!

B seems much more upbeat this morning, so will just see how it goes.

Thanks again.

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Original poster

Sexonlegs · 04/12/2009 07:44

Kreecher, apologies. Meant to say that I hope your dd is ok and things settle.

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kreecherlivesupstairs · 04/12/2009 09:18

Maybe the friend who came home is reacting to peer pressure? I know how horrible girls can be (I don't know anything about boys thank goodness). Girls are nasty inherently I think. Can your dd find another girl in her class to invite home? I know it looks as if you and her are doing all the running, but it may be worth it.
Good luck

Original poster

Sexonlegs · 04/12/2009 10:16

Kreecher, I think you are right. They seem so easily led at this age.

She was absolutely fine when I droppped her at school this morning; ran off with a couple of girls and seemed happy.

I'll let the dust settle from our previous tea guest and then ask B again next week who she would like back.

The boys seem much less cliquey (sp?) and just get on with it!

I have a younger daughter, so have no clue about boys either!

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RainRainGoAway · 04/12/2009 10:20

Have this on and off with dd Age 5.

She often comes home and tells me she has to sit on the 'friendship bench' at school as no-one would let her join in games.
I mentioned it to the teacher and the next day she came home really happy. Suddenly she had played with XY and Z.

She seems so much better on one to one friends and gets confused in big groups. It is why we are changing her to a private school (ouch at the cost!) as there are 2 classes of 12 rather than 3 classes of 90 in each year. I think she is just a bit sensitive and it will be interesting to see how she does.

No real help there but just to know you are not alone.

Bigbadmummy · 04/12/2009 10:23

Our school has a friendship bench. Children that have nobody to play with go and sit on the bench and then other children come over and ask them to join in.

There is always a child "on duty" who is responsible for making sure that anybody on the bench is not left alone for too long.

It works really well (and costs the school nothing to implement).

The teacher's on duty need to be more proactive and not just fob it off as growing out of friendships.

RainRainGoAway · 04/12/2009 10:24

Sorry, 3 classes of 30!

ledodgy · 04/12/2009 10:27

Can they take stuff like skipping ropes in? If so give her one to take. It's shallow but children of this age are shallow, if you have a skipping rope you'll have people to play with and then she can go from there.

Original poster

Sexonlegs · 04/12/2009 12:04

A friendship bench sounds a lovely idea. I think I will ask about that next week.

Re taking stuff in ke a skipping rope; not sure what the policy is, but I will definitely ask, as I imagine that would be a real attraction.

Thanks for your ideas/comments.

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anneke1 · 04/12/2009 14:41

Oh I really do feel for you and dd I have a six year old dd in year 2 in a class of 23 girls and know how horrible they can be. Last year she went through a phase of saying she had no friends and seemed quite sad and distant also complaining of stomach pains with no obvious cause which apparently is a sign of worry. Teacher said she had not noticed anything different but I asked her to keep an eye out for her.
All I can say is that it passed eventually, like you I invited lots of different girls home and let dd know that I was always there if she needed to talk. I hope it all turns out okay as I am sure it will but know how soul destroying and helpless it makes you feel. Good luck.

whifflegarden · 04/12/2009 20:42

Hi SOL, sorry about how your DD is feeling.
I have a 6yr old DD too and she's had times like this in the past. I also know from friends that their DCs have come home saying similar things about not having friends/anyone to play with at school. I believe that it's quite normal.

Firstly, i would have a chat with her teacher to try and find out what's going on. Sometimes they feel like they have no friends when this might not really be the case. The teacher should keep an eye out to make sure she isn't feeling left out.

Second, you're doing the right thing by arranging to meet up with schoolmates/have them over outside of school. This can only help.

Other thing you could do is try to widen her circle and at the same time give her a skill/activity that will boost her confidence. Maybe sign her up for some after school activities and/or clubs (swimming/rainbows/art etc). That way there will be something else that's important to her and she will be distracted from/wom't dwell too much on the vagaries of little girls' friendships.

Finally, when my DD was going through similar, I got her this . It gave her some practical friendship skills and was a useful guide for our conversations about friends.

I know how upsetting it can be, but trust me, it will pass.

Original poster

Sexonlegs · 05/12/2009 11:38

Morning.

Well, B came out of school hysterical yesterday. They have just put a post box in school for Christmas, and the teacher had given out cards (only 10 nd the class is 30). B didn't get one, and apparently, someone said "B didn't get any as no-one likes her"

Also, B has said people are calling her a bully When I ask her why, she just clams up. I am v worried.

I spoke to the teacher (B practically dragged me to her) and teacher was surprised as she said 10 minutes earlier B had been happily laughing and singing with the others.

This is all so awful

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Bigbadmummy · 06/12/2009 09:47

Is it possible that your daughter is doing this for attention?

Please don't flame me.

But if her version of events is always different from the teacher's (who you would hope would be observant enough to spot these things) then maybe just maybe your daughter is doing this because she is worried about something else.

Maybe she sees how worried you get over this and is using it to get your attention, and get you into school?

Goblinchild · 06/12/2009 09:54

If youir child has an assertive personality, other children may be reluctant to play with her. They may also perceive it inaccurately as bullying.
What's the PSHCE like in the school and the class? Do they have circle time and opportunities to be helped to form friendships with a bit of guidance for those that struggle?
It is one of the uncomfortable things that takes a while for a child to understand.
If you are very hard work as an individual, others may not choose to play with you or have you as a friend. And you can't make them.

Sometimes the teacher needs to work hard on building tolerance and acceptance within the class first, and that takes time and thought.

Original poster

Sexonlegs · 06/12/2009 14:04

Bigbadmummy, I honestly don't think she is doing it for attention, but I could be wrong.

She is quite assertive, but I wouldn't say more than others. She is quite competitive though.

I help in her class every Friday morning, so I get a snap-shot of things, but not at break times.

What is PSHCE? Sorry to be dim.

One thing I hate is that before lunch they start a train. So teacher picks someone, who in turn picks someone else etc etc. A few times B has been last or near last to be picked. One of the girls who was left last the other week, came up and said, no-one likes me

It takes me back to school netball, when I was always left last

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ilovejonty · 06/12/2009 14:13

I have no real advice, sorry.

But I'm glad to hear schools these days take this issue seriously / try to help. I never had any friends as a child, I was openly laughed at and mocked and the teachers joined in. I still don't know why, but I hope this gets sorted otherwise it could cause problems later in life - I should know, I've had enough.

Goblinchild · 06/12/2009 14:14

PSHCE Personal Social Health Citizenship and Emotional education.

All schools have to teach it, and it includes forming positive relationships in the class ans within the school.
Have you discussed what she thinks is happening with your daughter and why she thinks it is so?

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