Jealous

[inchigh]

Dont really know how to start this..I am going to sound mad but I dont care.
We have always encouraged DD to know she can speak to her birth mother anytime but she never has wanted to, she has never had a birthday card ro phone call since the day she left her.
On monday she asked if she could phone her mother, so i got the pc set up to phone Portugal, her mum answered and then put the phone down.

We tried again but the phone was constantly engaged. DD was stunned at first, was really upset. I tried everything i could think of to make it better but nothing worked.

When her dad came home yesterday we tried again but he used another number to call, not the mobile number that the mother has and can see caller id.
Anyway she answered and dd began to speak to her.Ok the horrible bit now, I never ever thought i would feel so jealous,it was like you stabbed me. I went out for a walk so i could cry in peace.

My dd has been with me since nearly 5 we have been on such a long journey togther,i didnt want to come home but i didnt want her to see me crying so it would upset her.
I have never had such intesnse feelings like this ever.
Well I got home, dp knew straight away what was wrong and i cried again with him,you know what he said to me.

He took me up to the bedroom where i keep the treasure box and he said she might be the birth mother but she hasnt got any of this. He was holding all the cards, tooth fairy stuff everything dd had ever made for me .
When dd finished her conversation i didnt ask her about her mum, i didnt want to make a big deal of it.
At bedtime dd said to me, thank you for letting me talk to my mother mummy,when i said its not problem she said i love her because when i was little you always told me i should love my mum, but mummy she doesnt know what to say to me she didnt even ask me how was school going and everyone knows that even when grannies cant think of any way to start conversation they ask you about school.

Then she said mummy why didnt she want me, and why is she keeping her other daughter (by her new partner) what is wrong with me that she didnt want me. She said I wanted to ask but i wasnt brave enough
I said well i dont know thats something you only you can ask and she can answer but i can tell you that its her loss otherwise I would never have been lucky enough to have you
I cant hate her mother but god i am jealous of her

first of all. you don't sound mad. You sound lovely - and what you are feeling is very normal. YOU are the one who has been a mother to this little girl. You are the one who has been there for her, your DP did the right thing by showing you that treasure box with all those precious things. That is what being a mother is really about. She may have given birth to her but life is cheap to some people. Life is not cheap to us who know what an immense amount of effort and personal sacrifice it takes to be a mother. Sounds like this lady didn't put much effort in at all - if she can put the phone down on her own daughter.
Probably your little girl is just curious about her birth mother. With time as she gets older she will be able to reflect with more maturity about who she is, who her family are and who you are to her.
Well done for all you've done. Let the tears flow
Love to you x

I don't have any experience with this, but I just wanted to say that some of the things you have said to your daughter sound so perfect.
and she also sounds like she is being open and honest with you, just do what you are doing I think.
And your DP sounds lovely too, reminding you of the memories you have
It is only natural that she is curious about her birth mother, and natural that she feels a bit rejected.
You are her mother, you do everything for you and it is you she will come to forever.
Just keep telling and showing her how much you love her.
x

Thank you I try not to be bitter but god when i'm faced with a 9 year old who wants to know why her mother didnt want her and thinks shes 'rubbish' and ugly its hard..its even harder when this little soul finds out that the mother had another girl and kept that one and then she asks me what is the difference between the 2 children that 1 was wanted and the other not.

I kind of tried to prepare for that call over the years, but never ever did i imaging the power of the pain.
I cant cant let it show to my gorgoeus dd, i dont want her to think she can never call this woman in case she upsets me and i'm lucky that my dh is so intune with my feelings.

You know what dd said on her birthday (october) another year mummy another year gone past without a card or call from uncle marcus i wont be a child forever you know.
I really didnt get why she was picking on her uncle, i mean he has never sent anything before and it never bothered her before. Told dh and he said you dont get it she means her mother..she just doesnt want to admit it still hurts her.

This child goes to portugal every summer holiday to stay with her paternal grandparents and this mother of hers has every chance to see her daughter, phone her write to her but she doesnt want to thats it.

owww owww it hurts..i have a photo of dd that i just love i would love to stick it up so everyone could see this gorgeous kissable huggable bundle of naughtiness and wonderfullness that i have and i get to kiss goodnight and go back up about 10 to hoik her back into the bed and cover her up tuck her hair behind her ear and kiss that yummy little cheek because i can.
But i can never ever replace this woman, this fantasy fairy tale mother..and manalive that really hurts
a huge thanks for listening chocolate is calling me

I have replied on your other thread, but I just wanted to reiterate what a fantastic woman you must be, to hide all of your negative feelings to protect this little girl of yours.

Of course she doesn't understand why her mother doesn't want her, of course she wishes for an "ideal" - doesn't everyone think the grass is always greener? However, one day she will be mature enough to understand her emotions and understand exactly who matters most, without feeling all of the guilt and sadness that surrounds her now. Why don't yo write down in a personal letter, or a memory book exactly the things you have said in your post here, so that when she is older (much older) and wiser, she can have this, to remind her just how much you love her, and loved her as a child. Even as the child of my natural parents, who I know love me very much - I would LOVe to read memories of my mother when I was younger, and how much she loved me then.

Thanks for your message. I have been away from the pc, teething troubles, mine i hasten to add, had a tooth out and it still hurts.
Many years ago, well before the dd came here, I wrote her a letter, bearing in mind she was 4ish couldnt read english or write. I asked her paternal granny to keepo it for her, for when she gets bigger.
It went something like this, I always wanted a baby girl and when I saw you I fell in love with you straight away, we will when your older argue about things but what I want you to hold onto is that I love you and will always love you.
Not having that letter anymore, I tell dd instead.
Between us, i may sound nuts here, i know she is a special child, i have all my old diaries that i am keeping for her for when i cant explain things the way i want to and she knows she can talk to me about anything and she will always get an answer.
I love her to bits