Advise on unfair treatment of DS at school

[SingleMum01]

The last few weeks the teacher has seen me to tell me about incidents my DS has been involved in.

Now, I don't think my DS is a complete angel, however, he seems to be taking the brunt of the punishment for these incidents.

What seems to be happening is, for instance, someone will push my DS and he will push back - although I do stress he should tell the teacher. When asked the other DS will say they didn't do anything (as they would of course). My DS gets upset at being told off and therefore isn't given the chance to say his side of the story. It therefore ends up with my DS receiving the punishment - not having playtime and the other child not getting anything.

He is therefore learning that it is okay to start a fight and tell lies and you don't receive any punishment.

My DS is 7 and has never been a violent child and I've certainly never seen him start a fight at playdates etc.

I haven't got a problem with him receiving punishment for retaliating, but it seems unfair that he is the only one receiving the punishment.

He tells me the teacher wants to see me tomorrow. I'm feeling like I need to have a word with her. What should I do?

Write down everything your ds has told you, write down your questions and hold your pen while she talks and make notes as she does so to give yourself time to think.

Let her speak first. "I gather you needed to see me".

Make notes. Then say: this is the way my ds sees it. He sees the other child starting a fight and telling lies and going unpunished. Tell her he has never been violent or started a fight to your knowledge.

Ask about playground supervision. Ask about adult witnesses. Ask if they talk to both children quietly about what happened or just take one child's word.

Be prepared to hear things you don't want to, and remain positive. Don't enter with resentment and anger but an open mind.

At the end tell her you hope she understands your concern. Ask about further action. Make it clear you will monitor what is happening.

Thanks Stuffit. My DS says he's never believed that they always believe the other child, although I'm not there I can imagine he gets too upset to put his side of the story properly.

I was called to see the teacher the other week, my DS had kicked another child which he admitted (although he says the other child told him to and then the other child said he didn't, I know that's no excuse to kick him). My DS knows he shouldn't have kicked the other child (they're actually best friends - so I really don't think either meant it). Now I have no problems with him being punished for that as that was out of order. At that time I asked the teacher if it had happened before and she said only out of retaliation, so I know there isn't a major issue with my child picking fights.

There was also another issue about a month ago where my DS was punched 4 times to the ground by another boy and kicked the other boy once to get away. This was in the cloakroom and witnessed by other children - there were no teachers about. The other boy said my DS had started it. My DS was actually too winded too talk as he'd been punched in the chest and the teacher took the other boy's word for it and told me my DS had started it. I found out the next day from another parent whose child had witnessed it and told her what had happened which was the same story as my DS told me. I went to see the teacher about it as my DS was distraught as he was told he had to see the head, I got the impression she wanted to drop the whole saga - so maybe she also found out what really happened after. I didn't take it any further as my DS was so distressed at the thought of seeing the head.

As I said I'm sure my DS isn't a complete Angel and has his moments, and I think he should be punished if he physically retaliates (even though really I think I would do the same) but he seems to be the only one punished.

Anyone else?

I sympathise. Some teachers label children as trouble makers quite early on and it doesn't matter if subsequent behaviour doesn't fit with the label the teacher has given them, the teacher will always see them as trouble makers even if they are the victim.

I tell mine never to retaliate as it usually the one who started the fight who ends up crying to the teacher and getting the others in trouble.

It seems to have happened a lot in the last few weeks that my DS is taking the blame for retaliating. At parents evening a couple of months ago, the teacher told me she has no problems with my DS - he is a quiet considerate child etc. So this seems to be out of the blue.

Oh I could have written this about my eldest! He has aways been brought to understand that you walk away and tell a teacher if anything like this happens but, of course, in the heat of the moment, that doesn't always happen. And, typically, he is the one who got caught out even if a dozen other kids had done the same thing.
I suspect that the teacher want to see you to discuss the situation, especially if your childs behavious has changed suddenly. It's in their best interests to get it sorted so everyone is happy. Perhaps if your DS is told by the teached that it's ok to go and tell her, he may feel more inclined to do so - no one wants to be seen as a grass!
Go to see the teacher with an open mind - and try not to be too defensive even though you want to protect your DS.
I have also learnt over time (and 3 children) that they can sometimes be economical with the truth or even just have a different perspective of what happens. I went into school once, all guns blazing, only to find out I had been told half the truth by my DS and looked a complete fool!!
Sorry for the lengthy reply but I wanted to let you know I know how you feel. Good luck

Thanks, the teacher wasn't there at home time so I didn't get chance to talk.

I'm not a mum who believes her child is a total angel - so I'm guessing I may be told some extra details.

My DS is getting conflicting information from his 2 teachers - the one I'm seeing tells him to tell a teacher, the other one tells him not to tell tales if he says someone has done something - so he doesn't know which to do

i would only attend a meeting with everyone in the room.

your child and the other child and his parent.

then you get the full story - not the teachers version ( which cos she is an adult will trump your sons version)

everyone in a room - everyone gets full details of what happened.

as a mum, my guidance re violence at school

1. tell teacher

if teacher doesn't do anything and it happens again

2. hit back

i am unapologetic for this stance and have told teachers same.

Is it your son and just one other child?

Wot stuffit said.

Madonna - yes