Advice please, my DS is 28 months and a bully

[pattymc]

I know it's not uncommon for this age to be a little pushy and unable to share but it just seems like he is worse than any other child wherever we go. He always snatches toys from other children it seems just so they can't play with anything. He pushes other children and kicks up a fuss when I tell him to stop. I KNOW this is all common behaviour...for some, but does anyone have any advice or words of comfort - it makes me want to cry as I can never relax for a second when we go to playgroups. I have to follow him like a shadow in case he upsets another child. He understands about sharing and knows he is wrong but doesn't seem to be making any difference. I should threaten to leave the playgroup but then have no where else to go!
It's as if he is the worse behaved child wherever I am and me and DH are both strong people and very clear with him about what is right and wrong but nothing is helping. Am I fighting a no win situation?

I am sure he is too little for you to think it is a permanent character flaw!! Are the playgroups at bad times for him e.g. is he hungry or tired (bearing in mind his sleep cycle might be different from when he was smaller)? My DS looks like an angelic child at, say, 10 a.m. but if I tried to go out at 1.30 p.m. he would be a nightmare as that would be in the middle of his normal nap time.

Playgroups can be quite intense if they are busy and he doesn't know the other kids that well. Is there a mum and toddler you get on well enough that you could ask them round for a playdate at a time of day when DS is generally better and then supervise them like mad so that DS can get practice of not snatching etc. on a smaller scale?

Oh bless you. He isn't a bully!!! Please don't tell yourself that. Nobody else will be thinking it! And if they do sod 'em, they're wrong. You obviously care a lot about this and the tone of your post tells me that you are a good person and parent. The kids of people like you don't grow up to be bullies.

He's 28 months and on the path to learning the complexities of social interaction. This is where he starts to learn how to interact and your role is to just keep gently repeating the right messages so that they sink in and eventually turn into the right actions on his part.

I met one of my loveliest friends at a play group when our kids were 2. Her dd was the resident "terror" regularly snatching toys and bopping the other kids over the head with them! She is an absolute darling now.

thanks capstock, not worried about it being a permanent character flaw, I know these stages happen just seems like he's the worst but I guess we all think that about our own childs bad behaviour! just wanted some advice on dealing with it or whether there is a way to deal with it, I try to be patient with him and constantly remind him to share and be nice and not to push but does fall on deaf ears. Don't think it can be lack of sleep or food related and he is much better at people's homes than playgroups so maybe just a case of keeping away from them for time being - I'm 2 weeks from giving birth so maybe not at my most patient either! in fact a few people have said it might be to do with me being pregnant and he's just playing up. At the weekends with both me and my DH he is so whiney and nothing is quite right and it really makes spending time with him quite unenjoyable which is so sad as not long until the next one comes along!

Oh goodness if you are 38 weeks pregnant then yes, I would say it's pretty likely he's just playing up at the moment! Good luck with the next few weeks, get as much help as you can is all I can say!

patty - I know it's tongue in cheek, but don't call him a bully ! There are enough judgy people out there to do that for you.

DS2 was like that for a good few months between the ages of about 2 and 2 and a half. He is a perfectly socially skilled and popular boy now (age 6). I know how hard it is to be the mum of a child like this, but he is a normal child.

At 28 months, actually, I'm pretty sure he doesn't "understand about sharing" - that would require empathy and DCs this age simply don't have it ... But your job is to make him understand consequences. So my tips would be :

1. notice if he is tired or hungry and starting to "turn" - then feed him or leave the situation

2. try not to react in too much of an emotional voice - lower your pitch of voice, get down to his eye level and say calmly - "don't push". To many words, and too much fuss will either make him switch off or reward him with too much attention. Try and foster a belief that he will do what you ask, and he will start to do what you ask. If he doesn't, have a consequence eg sitting on a chair with you instead of playing.

3. avoid certain situations if he gets too excited and therefore violent eg soft play

4. if he has snatched something, ask him to give it back to the other child, or to you - tell him you are going to count to three and you want him to give it to you.

5. yes, you are probably right - he senses things are changing (the pregnancy) and that you are tired etc, and may be pushing boundaries - basically testing you to see if you are the same mummy.... however, do not beat yourself up about this. 2 and a half year olds can also be a pain even if their mum's aren't pregnant.

6. I agree with everything the other posters have said

Good luck. My two DSs are 2 and a half years apart, and hard at is at times, it is so worth it x

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/behaviour_development/853888-At-wit-39-s-end-with-ds-he-has-a?pg=3

This thread might help