8 year old boys - my son has changed and I can't cope with him!

[gimmewine]

Hello everyone, I am new here. I suppose I turned to this website as I really don't know what else to do. I have 2 boys. My older son is 8 years old and is a total mystery to me. He is bright, loved and looked after yet he continues to behave badly, answer back and make our family's life into a battleground.

I know some of you will think this is normal boy behavouir, and you could be right. I suppose I am at a loss because only about a year or so ago he was totally the opposite. He has always been very clever and used to be extremely caring and sensitive. It seems he has totally reversed his personality and I really don't recognise him anymore, and I certainly don't know how to handle him.

We have been through so many behaviour charts, rewards, punishments, bribery - you name it, we've tried it. The times when we actually had fun together, as mother and son, are extremely rare now, and when those times do happen, they are tainted by me dreading when the next argument will start. And it will. Even when I am at my most even-tempered and ready to deal with his toughest behaviour, he will somehow escalate a simple misunderstanding into a full scale war zone. Even tonight, we were chatting about German Fighter planes (he is in the middle of a World War 2 project at school!) and somehow it dissolved into carnage and I dissolved into tears. I haven't cried in front of him. Just to myself or my husband. Talking of my husband, he gets the same treatment. At least we both know how the other feels!

I truly feel like my heart is breaking as I watch my clever little man disappear into an unrecognisable stranger. His teacher tells me his behaviour has got very disruptive and loud at school. That really scared me as he has always been keen to do well and behave well at school.

He and I have had heart to hearts and I've asked countless times if there's something he wants to talk about. He seems oblivious to it all, as if I am making a fuss about nothing.

He has always done everything early -walk, talk etc. I was wondering if anyone else has experienced the onset of puberty in their son or daughter at such an early age? Perhaps I am clutching at straws. During the summer he even had BO. I haven't noticed it since the weather has changed, but that's not usual, is it?

Let me know what you think. I know you won't have an answer for me, it'd just be nice to have someone tell me they're going through the same thing!

Thanks for reading my long and depressing message.

Hello.

Well, I haven't experienced it yet. But I didn't want your first post to go unanswered. Welcome to MN, and I hope someone more wise turns up soon. I think it's something most parents have to deal with at some stage but it does sound hard going, and like you're doing all the right things.

Incidentally, my 8 year old boy also got a bit whiffy this summer, so I think it's normal.

Have you read "How to talk to kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk"?

I just wonder as I type as you mention trying to have heart to hearts with him, he might be clamming up at having to express himself. Dunno. As i say, I've had no need yet to put theory into practice (thankfully, but it will happen)

My son (9yrs)can be just the same.
Hates being bossed around, loves challenges.
BO at times- sudden rages. V.emotional outbursts, then completely grownup and sussed.
We don't do any starcharts, we just do Wii points (plus or minus) 100 and we'll get one. It does seem to concentrate his mind slightly.
He really hates being told what to do and is frightened of doing things he is not good at, I think that is the bottom line. But he loves feeling responsible and part of a team. (loves music, cubs scouts, outward bound, climbing wall etc, swimming etc, hates football tennis fine motor skills like craft or drawing)
The mistake I keep making is to try and get him interested in things he really is not interested in (talking AT him), rather than showing more interest in the things he IS interested in. He loves drama based things and expressing himself through song and actions, hates being asked to do a project or write things down, copy information, unless it is a structured challenge type of question or quiz.

can totally empathise.my DS is 7 and very similar.The book "how to talk...." helps us. Having said that he nearly threw a clock at me today.
One improvement has been the way I talk with him,setting boundaries without confrontation. I also choose my battles so that it isn't a constant nag. I have also ditched reward systems/charts etc as they seemed to emphasise a day full of negatives no matter how many rewards we gave. The best and simplest method for us now is to send him to his bedroom for a bit to calm down, . think and return for a discussion. He is always better when he has had plenty of rest too. Like you I feel at end of my tether at times. Tonight I vered from hating his behaviour to enjoying his company.
I wonder if his new class teacher is any part of the change in him. My son was a nightmare last year in class and with his new, more competent teacher is much better this year.
I can honestly say that if I had known parenting was this hard I wouldn't have bothered!

Yes, my 9yo went through a similar change about a year ago. I put it down partly to some very upsetting things that happened (diagnosed with potentially crippling and v painful condition, best friend's mum died, grandma paralysed with cancer), but I also think it is a natural developmental stage. He is suddenly very upset at the thought of failing. It's a sort of -pre-pre-puberty.

I find what works with him is to (try to) stay calm and brisk and avoid the kind of emotional heart to hearts that worked well with his sister at this age: they just make him uncomfortable and escalate the problem. Firm boundaries certainly good.

Thank you so much ladies! I really appreciate your advice and support. It's so good to know that I am not the only one. We have had a slightly better week, with fewer arguments. I think I'll buy the book some of you mentioned - sounds good. I have found clear bounderies and sticking to them is the way forward - something I thought I've always done, but perhaps a chink of weakeness has shown through a few times! Thanks again. This website is heaven sent at times like these!
XXX

My 7 year old son is also going through a difficult phase. He has always been a sociable, caring and sensitive boy who I've never needed to watch closely when with other children or adults as I trusted that he wouldn't let me down. Recently he has got into 'boys' games such as war and football and I'm struggling with the chaos that this brings to social occasions particularly as his inexperience leads to him getting very overexcited. His teacher has been struggling with all of his social group at school as well so its not just me being an overcontrolling mummy!

He has also changed at home and we feel like we are constantly nagging him for silly little things such as running indoors, not sitting still on a chair, poor table manners, etc. It all came to a head last week when he broke down in tears and said that he felt that we wanted to tell him off and was sad that he was always in trouble. A few really clear examples of the behaviour the next day helped us to explain to him that we were not looking for reasons to tell him off but had to make sure he did as he was told has helped a lot and fingers crossed the atmosphere at home is much better since.

Oh I feel your pain!

DS is 8 on Fri and this week has been very difficult to handle and very irritating to live with

Examples include lots of backchat when asked to do the slightest thing i.e cleaning teeth, taking forever to get ready for school, playing car bashing games right under my feet...I could go on.

Things came to a head this evening, when he refused to write an Xmas card for his friend.
I screamed at him, I'm ashamed to say, he screamed back, it was awful.

I'm now determined I'm not going to be such a bad parent tomorrow, he deserves better, however annoying he is being.

What makes it worse is that recently he's been getting loads of positive attention from me and DH, he's been doing better at school and i can't thnk of any obvious cause.

Oh well tomorrow's another day.

Hi just wanted to reply I am going through the same thing with my nearly 8 year old, he has always been a sensitive, kind and gentle child but around 3 months ago he has started to change. Back chat, being aggresive with me and just basically saying no to anything he is asked to do! Its so frustrating as I know that sensitive kid is still in there but he seems to have rages where he seems so angry with the world! Perhaps its a hit of testosterone that doing it! I have gound the best way to deal with him is remain calm, send him to his room and then when he comes down make him apologise and talk about why that behaviour is totally unacceptable!
I have to admit I dont always stay calm and sometimes shout at him which he then shouts back and it all turns into a major nightmare!
I guess reading the other posts this is perhaps fairly normal but I hope its just a phase as its causing problems between me and my hubby!!

Have you spoken to his teacher to find out how he behaves at school?

What are his grades/report like?

Has anything happened in his life that coincides with this change?

What about friendships?

Is he sleeping, eating enough?

Does he do outside activities, hobbies?

Are there any problems at home, in the family?