help anyone

[inchigh]

hello to everyone i'm a newbie to this, my daughter came to me at just 5. her dad got custody of her, her birth mum didnt want her and she was with her paternal granny from aged 3 until she came to uk to live with us.

I have to cut a long story very short here every summer she goes to portugal for holidays with her granny(paternal)granny asks for her to go almost as soon as school finishes to early september.

Do i sound like a vile step mum if i said that at first i didnt mind,because to say she was challenging would be an understatement.

As she has grown i have come to resent this 'holiday' more and more, I feel like she is a piece of luggage to be shunted off because 'granny' wants to see her. I dont want to say anything to granny, i know she was 'mother' until my daughter came here.

The problem is that the maternal grandparents want to see my daughter, ok i dont have a problem with that. But then they start telling my child that her mother wants to see her and they start making arrangements for her to go to her mothers. The mother puts it off and puts it off. Its quite clear she doesnt want to see the child, which again is fine, but my daughter is being destroyed inside by this.

She comes home violent, rude and completley unmanagble. It takes us (me mostly) till octoberish before she settles down again.

Sometimes i think i would handle it all better if i was the birth mother, sometimes i feel i cant cope with her. Please understand I love her to pieces she is the best thing that happened to me.

I know soemone will ask where her dad stands in all this, well, he says alot of her behaviour: the lying the violence etc is her mother and he cant deal with it. On the whole he is amazingly patient but there are days when i feel he just inst helping me.

We have decided that this year was enough, it wasnt going to happen again. Granny could come here. Now granny is saying she wants my daughter to go for christmas.I cant stand it all over again.

I'm not explaining my relationship with my daughter well i dont think, she calls me mummy. I didnt tell her to it was her descison. When she went this year I cried for days I lay on her bed I missed her so much.

You'd have to meet her she is such a funny character so bubbly and wonderful but she says she hates herself and is rubbish because 'mother' her birth mum she means 'threw her away'

There are just days that she challenges me she talks and behaves so like an adult I cant talk to her. I have to walk away or I think I will kill her.

I got an appointment with a counsellor for all of us, he told us that she has an emotional age of 4 (she is 9 now) and she will never trust adults becasue she has always been lyed to by them and she will always have a problem with women in authority because of her mum.

I'm not sure if I can carry on like this, anyone out there can help in some way. Like I say the whole story would take forever to go through. We are not married but I suppose I'm a step mum. Please help

I forgot to say that last year when she came back from holiday,she cut up all her new school uniform twice. He smacked her quite hard and she went to school with a smack mark? on her leg.
When school asked what happened she told the truth. We had child protection and social services round.

We were so happy to see them and explained everything thinking they would help. There was no help. The 'child' they sent round two weeks later said in so many words that because we lived in a nice house (we rent) and she had toys in her room, there was no cause for concern.

Despair set in. My partner has never changed his mobile number in case the mum wants a chat with my daughter. This year when she finally met up with my daughter, she told her that 'daddy had changed his number'
Sorry I cant go on this is too painful right now and for want of a better word blinking unfair.

I'm afraid I might not be much use to you, as I am not in your position, nor likely to be.

However can I say that you sound like an amazing step mum. So what if you used to find your little girl challenging and look for some time apart from each other? I would think this is incredibly normal for most people, whether the child in question is their birth child or not.

However, it is very clear from your post that you now love this little girl as your own and want to protect her. I think you ought to stop seing yourself as step-mum and see yourself as the perfect mother-figure for your little girl. You are who she relies on, and you are who she looks to as a role model in everyday life.

You have to trust your instincts here I think. It must be very confusing for your little girl to have no contact with her grandparents except for once a year. It is no wonder she plays up when she comes home, her grandparents do not sound like they have her best interests in mind, and she is confused. In her little mind (and I might be wrong here) you have "thrown her away" too - giving her to people she doesn't want to be with, and giving her no choice in the matter. Could you not just refuse to let grandparents have her? Like you say, if you think it is important for her to keep contact with them, then they can come to you where you an keep an eye on what they say, and be there for her if she needs you. If they don't agree with this, they can take the mater through the courts where professionals will talk to your dd and assess what is in her best interests, coupled with what she wants.

I think counselling sounds like a good idea for all of you, to work out the way forward and to help your dd learn to trust and for you to understand why she behaves like she does so that you can teach her how she should behave. However, I personally would be wary of anyone who "labels" a child as someone who will NEVER trust women, because to label a child means that you begin to expect certain behaviours from her, and so she behaves in that way, and the circle is ever-continuing.

I really do wish you the best, but I think you need to realise that you are providing a HUGE service to this little girl, just by loving her.

Thank you for answering.I try very hard to do what comes to mothers naturally. I wish you could see her she's so bright at nightime i tell her i love you so much, i'll never let you go.
But her granny and her have this weird relationship that hasnt moved on since she was little. She spits and yells and kicks her granny.
She would never do that at home. sorry getting upset again.
Tea time and hanky
thanks again

what does your DH think? If you decided to stop contact to grandparents for example - would he support this and fight it through the courts if it got to that stage? I only ask, because it sounds to me (and please remember I don't know your personal circumstances more than you have written on here) like your daughter would benefit from having secutiry and a choice in whether she went to see grandparents or not, and that if she chose not - you and your DH would stick by her and fight for what she wants?

thanks for the reply. the custody rights he asked for and got are that the maternal and paternal grandparents can see our daughter as and when, and the mother can see our daughter when and if she wants.

He stated in the court records that he would never change his number and that she could call any time she wanted. She never has.

I understand or try to, her point of view, maybe our daughter reminds her of a past she wants to forget.

Thats fine, but its her parents that keep trying to initiate the contact between her and my daughter. Last time you had to see it to believe it. My little baby was waiting to be told when she could see her mother, every day a different reason why not would come out.

When i spoke to her on the phone, she was trying so hard to hold it togther she kept saying she didnt care. Eventually she saw her mother for 1 hour.

My DH, maybe this will come out wrong but he says to her dont cry over her, she is not worth your tears and we have a family hug.

His parents,i have tried to tell his sister to get their mum to make changes in the way dd? and her interact.

Its so painful, i said to dh tonight, why cant your mum comne here, i dont want dd to go over there again.

He's speaking to his mum now, see i think part of the problem is this, if dd is in portugal and the maternal grandparents come along for a visit then dh's mum wont say anything and wont have to deal with the problem.

By doing this, she takes no responsibility at all. But caught at the centre is this precious little life and its not right.

But the court order was made 4 years ago (or longer) Am I right?

In that case, why don't you make an application to the courts to vary the order to stop dd going to portugal? (I speak as a family lawyer )

I think you and your DH might need to have a chat about your future plans regarding this. And perhaps also have a discussion with dd (depending on whether you and your DH are in agreement). Try asking dd if she wants to go. It may be that she detests every minute of being there, or feels let down by you and her dad. In which case you should step in to protect her, most definitely.

The difficulty of course, is if you and DH don't agree, or if you do agree, but dd says she wants to go...which is when you'll have to decide what is in her best interests.

Not an easy decision at all - I don't envy you the road ahead, although anything has to be better than your dd being further hurt, doesn't it?

Hope it has helped having someone else's perspective, and writing it all down.

yes it does help talking. the court order was made in dh's favour because the mother was deemed unfit to look after our baby (she was left in the middle of lisbon at 3 in the morning.
We dont want her to stop seeing her grandparents. The problem is that the maternal grandparents feel gulit because their daughter doesnt want to see the child.
Does that make sense? Add to that the odd relationship with the paternal grandmother and the dd and its a recipe for diaster.

This is going to be incredibly difficult we have allowed, that sounds horrible, but we are always saying to dd do you want to speak to mum. She says to me mummy i make you things and cards because i love you, i dont make anything for my mother so she can know how it hurts not to get a phone call or a letter.

She has been 'sold' on the idea that it will be today her mum will change her mind and want her, how hard is it to keep telling a child its not them and they are not rubbish to be thrown away like that.

He spoke to his mum this evening and she is thinking about coming here for christmas. Dont want to say anything to the dd yet, i dont want her to get upset.

Her anger has died down alot and she is back to her own routine now, school etc but if she sees her grandmother it will all come back again.

Read her favourite tonight Wurzel Gummidge, gave her a huge huge hug, god i love that girl. Do you know one day i was looking at her, just about to say have i told you i love you today and she said its ok mummy i know.

Thanks for being there and letting me rant on its an odd situation i know, i'm 47 and sometimes i feel 189, this is one of those days. I shall head off for bed now, but happier that there are people out there
Thanks again