Help! I am an only child and need advice on brothers and sisters!

[Susimum]

I know it may seems silly but I genuinely don't know whether I should be constantly intervening when DS (6) and DD (3) are arguing. Obviously if it gets rough I step in but should I let them just get on with it sometimes? The worst times are when they are stuck in the back of the car and we will have a long journey coming up soon. We have plenty of games planned along with story CDs but one of them (usually DD) is bound to start winding the other one up and I really don't want to spend the journey shouting or telling them off. Does anyone have a good sibling book/advice to recommend? Thanks.

I have 4 dds ranging from 12 years old to 10 months. My middle two aged 5 and 3 bicker all the time but also play together really nicely. When they fight/ bicker/ pick on one another I try and zone out and only step in when one of them is getting unfairly beaten. It seems that when I intervene too early it makes it worse. I was the same with my sister and we are now really close. I am watching this thread with interest.

I don't think you should intervene unless there is actual blood! There is a brilliant book - hang on I'll try and find it...

It's called "Three Shoes One Sock and No Hairbrush" I found it very helpful. Libby Purves is good on sibling rivalry, too.

I am the youngest of 6. My mum's one never broken rule was 'only intervene if there is blood.'

Of course, that backfired on her the time my four older brothers were all tickling me at once and made me pee my pants...

Please leave them to it like Tee says, unless someone is actually physically getting hurt.

My mum is an only child and intervened constantly in my and my younger sister's rows. As a result the natural order of things (i.e. me being the boss as the eldest) was never possible - and my sister quickly cottoned on to how she could twist an argument to make it look as if it was my fault and so milked it and my mum always sided with her as she was the youngest and. I hated her for this for years as often it was easier to put up with the things she did and swallow my anger than to try and argue about it - as she would always win thanks to my mum!

If you are going to intervene at least make sure that you take the time to listen to all sides of the story properly (I'm sure you do) and maybe then get them to sort it out themselves under your supervision - rahter than making a decision yourself!

Sooo.... we are now in our 30's and not all that close, although we get on in small doses - and both of us are somewhat distanced from our mum, who will still see my sister as 'helpless' even now - although me and my sister laugh about it now.

If I could have said one thing to my mum, it would have been to let us get on with it!

This is a good book: Parent Effektivness Training by, hu, can't remember. Still good though.

I am an only with 3 dc and have wondered about this many times too. Experience for me is bearing out pretty much what previous posters have been saying about leave them to it.

But it's very hard when you don't know the difference between day to day run of the mill sibling winding up banter and a real difference of opinion that needs intervention.

When mine were very small I nearly knocked myself out trying to treat them all as only children too.

It was ridiculous and not necessary but I knew no different and would try to be scrupulously 'fair' about them all having the same all the time. They didn't expect it or even need it but I hadn't at that stage learned the art of swings and roundabouts that is necessary with a larger family.

Thank you all so much for this advice. I couldn't get on the computer today as both children were ill (cue more arguing!) and our internet connection decided to fail - aargh! I will be looking for those books.
Quiltedrose I had been trying to make sure I get the full story but I know DD has figured out very quickly that screaming will always make me rush in and blame her big brother even when he hasn't done anything. i will try to take a step back - thanks.
TsarChasm I find myself trying to be ridiculously fair with them both too I'm so worried about one thinking I prefer the other! It's good to know I'm not alone.

I do agree that stepping back is such a good policy. Because as others have already said you can intervene too much without truly knowing the facts and that puts YOU in the wrong. I think kids accept injustice from their sibling but it burns the soul when it comes from a parent!

I am an only and have 3 ds's - i try not to intervene but please tell me what to do when they follow me round the house saying

Muuuummm ds1 called me an idiot

but mmuuuummmm ds2 called me a baby

etc etc - they want to involve me in their stupid irritating tittle tattle and as you may guess its driving me up the bloody wall.