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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

What to do when you like the mum but her DS is horrible to your DS

13 replies

SingleMum01 · 23/11/2009 10:02

Advice on how to handle this please. We've known each other since the children were babies, but her DS' behaviour has got increasingly worse to my DS - they are the same age (6/7) and go to the same school.

Started in reception with her DS being mean to mine, ie, 'so and so isn't your friend he's mine'. My DS is sensitive so would get upset by this. However, I just advised my DS to ignore this.

Last year her DS started smacking my DS across the face and denying it - until a mark was left and it couldn't be denied. The mother knew about this as we were both told together.

Just got back from school and her DS had my DS in a half nelson on the floor. He said it was because my DS wouldn't listen to him and his face was really contorted with anger - I think he has a real anger issue and can turn in a second. I said that was no reason to push and hold someone on the ground - it looked as if he was going to punch my DS as I got there. I took my DS away at that point. When I looked back, the mother was cuddling her DS!

To some extent both boys must get on otherwise they wouldn't play together at all, but I'm concerned at the other DS' increasing anger and physical violence towards my DS - he doesn't seem to know the difference between wrong and right and is taking it too far. His mother has said she recognises her DS has an anger issue.

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Poohbearsmom · 23/11/2009 10:58

Ya, i'd personally not bring him on 'playdates' invite them round to your house etc if ye are friends meet up socially on yer own but i wouldnt inflict this boy on yours when he doesnt like him... Actually has he said he doesnt like him? Or that he's scared of him?? Cause 'rough housing' or fighting play is quite normal, although smacking or punching another child is totally unacceptable! Inside the school its really up to the teachers & the boys themselves but outside of school id really think hard about having them spend time together...

IrritatedMe · 23/11/2009 11:01

Bloody hell. Your poor Ds

Can you imagine how you would feel if your DH had a best mate but his wife was a total bitch to you, and you were forced to spend time with you with no choice in the matter?!

I would schedule time with this friend ALONE. It is what I have done with a few of my friends when the chemistry is just not there with the DCs.

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 23/11/2009 11:12

Thanks Poo, I don't invite the boy round anymore, although my DS invited him to his birthday party and vice versa - I think this is probably 'cos me and the mum are friends. They tend to meet socially through parties.

My DS says the other boy can be nice sometimes but is mostly mean to him. My DS hasn't said he doesn't like him as such and I don't think he's scared of him.

Sometimes they can play together and they get on fine - there does seem to be more of an issue if others are involved - the other boy is very competitive and has to be the first/best at everything. I think he maybe jealous of my DS as he is popular or it could be that my DS will stand his ground which antagonises the other boy even more, whereas a lot of the other boys will give in to him.

His mum has said she is finding it difficult, but she believes everything her DS tells her. I don't know what to do. I think I'm right to say something (but not over the top) to the other DS if he's hurting my DS. I tell my DS to stay away from her DS if he's in a mean mood.

Last week the other DS tried to get my DS' best friends to play 'lets ignore DS' game. Thankfully, my DS' friends wouldn't play it and told my DS about the game - who then told the other boy knew about it.

I don't know whether to say anything to the mum - we are friends through nursery. I don't want to fall out with her over our children, so maybe if she brings it up I'll say something.

What worried me was the angry look on the other boys face today.

By the way, I'm not saying my DS is an angel(!) but he's not spiteful.

I don't recall anything like this when I was at school! And I thought girls were supposed to be mean and more spiteful than boys!

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Original poster

SingleMum01 · 23/11/2009 11:47

Thanks Irritated - as I said I don't arrange to meet up with the mum and her DS any more - but they go to school together, so its either in the playground or at parties.

So there's not much 'get away time' I can do

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IrritatedMe · 23/11/2009 11:49

That is gutting.

I know how it feels when the only time you could spend together is when the DCs have to be together and its like trying to referree a Mike Tyson match. I had a friend drift away because of this as the kids just could never get on.

I hope you are ok.

Poohbearsmom · 23/11/2009 12:19

Your Ds sounds like a strong independent boy you should be very proud of the way he can handle himself & the situations. I would not personally go to the other mother & raise the issue of her sons anger unless it was in the case of him hurting your child but if she wanted to talk to you certainly give her your opinions & advice. Like the fact she cuddled her Ds after he'd flattened your Ds instead of telling him off & explaining what he was doing was unacceptable... I would think your tot right in saying something to the other Ds if he is hurting your child & its at your house or you walk in on it, but like ya said nothing ott he's not your child to teach right from wrong... Poor other mum though

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 23/11/2009 12:44

Thanks to you both for your support. In a way I feel for the other mum as life must be a constant battle (although I feel it maybe down to lack of structure/discipline). I also feel for the other boy as in a way its not his fault as he's not getting the structure/discipline.

I hate it when my DS comes home as says the other boy has been mean to him/hurt him. I try not to get too involved and tell my DS to stay away from the other boy if he's mean But thanks for helping me to see I'm handling it the right way.

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IrritatedMe · 23/11/2009 13:30

How often does he say this boy is mean? Is it every time or once in a while?

Also, you could try having the boy over by himself without the mum and play with the both of them. Sometimes if things are really bad on a 'playdate' I find that doing something like making a big old mess help and resets the anger. When there are two parents there, it can make them argue for attention.

Maybe just have that little darling boy there by himself a couple of times and be really firm if he is out of order. Then, if that works, get him mum to also come over.

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 23/11/2009 15:16

He's mean most days - its a common occurrence.

I've had the boy over by himself last school year for afterschool tea a couple of times - my theory was maybe he felt left out of my DS and his friends and it would help.

However its got to the point now where I really don't want to encourage my DS to be friends with him and feel it may give out mixed messages if I ask him for tea/play.

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Original poster

SingleMum01 · 23/11/2009 19:47

The latest afterschool update is ....

My DS told me the other boy told his teacher first thing my DS had started a fight with him in the playground. My DS and the other boy are therefore missing 15 mins of their golden time on Friday (special time at school to play).

How unfair is that - not only did the other boy lie about it - and I know 'cos I witnessed him putting my DS on the ground in a half nelson - my boy has to miss some of his special time. I guess the teacher is doing it as she didn't see it so doesn't know what happens so they tend to punish both children, but my poor DS.

Maybe it will teach the other boy not to make up tales - or maybe not

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zebramummy · 23/11/2009 20:23

why can't you ask the teachers to deal with it by explaining to them some of the things you have dscribed on here. i have recently been in a similar situation - i never discussed it with the other mum at all - the teachers told off the little b*er and i found myself shying away from the other mum despite having been really friendly immediately before. it is a lot harder when it is your ds being hurt - i don't think that the other mum would really get this. it is a shame, we had a lot in common to chat about BUT i don't actually need her friendship; having passed the toddler stage a while ago. i am a SAHM primarily to look after ds and improve his self-esteem and i don't appreciate my hard work being undone; 'mummy-friendhips' are fickle IMO and simply not worth that kind of hassle.

the school has told me that they will make sure that the two are not in the same class when they move into reception (currently at school nursery)

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 23/11/2009 20:44

I have spoken to the school about it. Went in at the end of last year after the smacking incidents. Then spoke to the teacher about a month ago after a punching incident in the playground in the morning. I asked for them last year to be in separate classes. So the teachers are aware of what is going on.

My DS came home today and told me he and his best friend have decided if this other boy is mean to them one more time they will leave the school - so its not just my DS the boy has a problem with.

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IrritatedMe · 23/11/2009 22:10

Poor you and your poor DS and your poor friend.

What a shitty situation you all find yourself in. And that it has crept into school as well. Hope you are ok.

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