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Anyone have a child with Attachment Disorder?

17 replies

allgonebellyup · 22/11/2009 09:31

As i think dd has this, and maybe ds too . I wasnt very good at coping with them when they were babies, and as a result dd is angry all the time etc etc.
Any experience, advice?

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sarah293 · 22/11/2009 09:40

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joburg · 22/11/2009 10:22

i used to research this on the net some 2 years ago, so i can't really remeber the exact www's i found back then, but as far as i remeber, anger is not a clear symptom of attachement disoreder, unless combined with other things.
how old are they? can it be just an age issue/stage? Anger what do you mean? My DD gets angry if things don't go her way, but she can be very lovely the moment i agree with whatever she wishes.
Does your DD come and hug you? Even if not so often? Does she seem to feel good when having skin contact? Then it's most probably not it.

allgonebellyup · 22/11/2009 11:11

no, she has a lot more issues than just anger. She HAS to have absolute control everything, in the house, with time, with other people.

She finds it hard to make long term friendships and jumps onto the first person who walks through our door in an attempt to make friends with them. We dont really hug and never have done.
She put on her xmas list that she wanted a coffin for her main present :-(

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joburg · 22/11/2009 11:30

how old is your DD? if we are speaking of coffins for christmas presents.... does she have other developmental issues? her speech? balance, fine motor skills? i think you are looking into a different issue here, esp, when mentioning the friend´ship difficulties part ....

dittany · 22/11/2009 11:39

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allgonebellyup · 22/11/2009 12:04

joburg, she is 10.
No developmental delays whatsoever, speaking large vocab at v early age, reading age of 12yr old when she was 7, top of her class for everything.
Her probs are more relationship/trust/security based i think.

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allgonebellyup · 22/11/2009 12:05

i do feel attached to her now, but i couldnt have said the same when she was a baby.

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StarExpat · 22/11/2009 12:12

this talks mostly about insecure attachment

Or look in www.psychologytoday.com and look under attachment - this is useful, well written, researched information where you can find information about secure attachment as well.

I did a lot of research and work with children with attachment disorders in clinical play therapy during my psychology degree.

StarExpat · 22/11/2009 12:14

Sorry, early post
I meant to say that I wouldn't be certain that this is indeed an attachment disorder, but there could be something there - counseling would probably be helpful in any case just to start uncovering whatever is beneath the surface of her actions (those that worry you).

sfxmum · 22/11/2009 12:19

I am sorry to hear this and I hope you are getting appropriate help and support

true attachment disorder is quite unusual under normal circumstances I really would not like to comment but I hope you are seeking help it does not really come out of the blue

joburg · 22/11/2009 12:22

she goes into her teens soon, well, sooner today than it used to be for us .... i'm not saying that this is normal, but it's not an attachement disorder imo (that should have shown earlier signs). i'm not a psycholog though, but you might want to just consider your relashionship with her (not blaming you, nooooo!!!! just saying you could try a different approach with her, different than before, whatever that might have been, just to try and see if she changes her attitude.) She sounds like a very smart girl to me. Is it possible that she is actually more advanced than her real age, thus more looking at having you as a friend than a mother and dissapointed when you are still her 'just mum'? I don't know ... I can imagine that the transsition can be difficult, esp for the young girls.

Is it possible that she is starting her puberty soon? I know it sounds too soon, but it might as well happen (my mother is telling about me at the puberty age, and it sounds about the same. not to mention that i was stupid enough to hide it from everybody for like 6 months before she could find out abt what is happening to me ). This could also be some kind of hormonal reaction already now. again i'm no expert, please don't read all these ad literam, just trying to guess what could it be.

dittany · 22/11/2009 12:28

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ByTheSea · 22/11/2009 12:41

My (step)DS (although I'm the only mum he knows) has attachment disorder. He is now 12. He was neglected and traumatised in his first year by his birth mother. Raising him is the hardest thing I have ever done. He has now become a danger to our other children (and DH and I) and cannot live with us anymore and we are in the process of finding him the right residential EBD school. All the love and best intentions in the world have not repaired the damage done to him in that early time of his life. I feel that the rest of my family are traumatised by our years of living with him. Such is the tragedy that is my beautiful family.

allgonebellyup · 22/11/2009 12:49

oh god. im sorry to hear that.

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allgonebellyup · 22/11/2009 12:51

i cant remember anything about my relationship with my mum when i was a baby. She is not very good about talking about her feelings though, and never told us she loved us (there were 5 of us.)

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Arianrhod · 25/11/2009 16:31

I second ByTheSea's post. I raised my ex-stepDD from age 7.5 until my marriage broke down when she was 13 (marriages often do this where Attachment Disorder is concerned, sadly), and even after that I was very involved in the rest of her upbringing until her father decided he could no longer live with the aggressiveness that was now transferred to him (had all been targeted at me previously) and had her removed from the house a few months after her 16th birthday.

I know FAR more about Attachment Disorder than I ever wanted to, I struggled and fought to get help for her and her younger brother who in turn has psychological issues of his own due to the treatment he received at her hands over the years. I've been through endless parenting and attachment therapy with her, none of which worked as by the time she was properly diagnosed she was really too old to be able to "heal". I struggled and fought to be heard by everyone - her school(s), parents of the children she abused, fought with, ganged up with (or on), the police (who wouldn't help one bit), social services (ditto until they were forced to eventually, but years after it would have helped us), my (ex)husband who for a long time would never believe there was anything the matter with his precious firstborn - and STILL doesn't want to believe it, even though she uses and abuses him over and over, even now.

I also found a couple of excellent EBD schools for her, but sadly the LEA in which we live(d) refused to pay for her there, and the CAMHS area she was in said it was down to the LEA. We tried to get her statemented at school to obtain specialist support for her there, but the school immediately closed ranks as soon as we suggested it and insisted that it wasn't necessary. Again, I was informed off-the-record that it was down to a funding issue.

None of this helps you, I know - but I can recommend some good books and some support forums that might help. I would say that just not being very good with babes wouldn't result in Attachment Disorder I think (but bear in mind I'm a layman, not a psychologist - although I know a damn sight more about it than some of the psychologists who thought my stepDD was "just a normal teenager" ... !), but it does sound like your DD and yourself might benefit from some attachment work together?

My stepDD has Attachment Disorder from being abused physically and mentally by her mother from about the age of 18 months to 4 years old, and it's sad beyond belief what it's done to her life as a result. As ByTheSea says, all the love and caring in the world weren't able to repair the damage done to my stepDD, and myself and my (ex)family were irrepairably damaged to the point of us being torn apart from the strain of life with her.

Don't let this go any longer, is my advice - get out there, find someone sympathetic/empathetic enough who can help your DD and yourself heal whatever issues there may be.

Again, I don't profess to know all there is to know about attachment problems, I've just had almost 10 years now of bitter experience of trying to deal with it, and the systems that are supposed to be there for support but in reality aren't!

sloppysoupdragon · 05/02/2010 22:27

Hi

Hi - I have just read this thread - you all sound as if you have been through the mill - I empathise - - our ds's (age3.5) paediatrician has diagnosed an attachment disorder but has discharged us! We are due to start working with a family outreach worker next week. things have stabilised at home and he is now much more affectionate and compliant but has intermittent periods of bad behaviour when he is out of control at playgroup. Is there anything in the way of support groups out there in addition to mumsnet? I feel a bit isolated as the mother of the naughtiest boy at playgroup... and more than happy to correspond and offer support - I know it is not easy to parent children with ADs

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