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Original poster

My DD keeps asking who will look after her now. It is breaking my heart.

28 replies

PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 21/11/2009 22:25

Baby due any day.

She has over the last couple of weeks asked who will look after her now. She does not specifically talk about when the baby is here. She goes to the toilet, which she has done on her own for a long time, and now she asks for one of us to come in and hold her hand if she is having a poo, she calls out 'i need someone to look after me', and she does this with other things she usually is fine with. She wants me or DH (normally me) to feed her where she usually feeds herself. She wants me there with her more and more, and says 'please don't leave me on my own, i need you to look after me, who will look after me if you go mama?' and she has a frown.

And tonight, she woke up in distress, hot and sweeaty (she has a bug) and she said 'who, who, who is going to cover me up? and she was very very upset. She settled after I snuggled her in her duvet, and stroked her hair, and told her i was there for her, loved her and always would, but she fell asleep with a frown and a slight whimper.

Is this because of the baby? Is it normal? Is there anything I can do to reassure her? Will it pass?

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differentID · 21/11/2009 22:29

She sounds like she is worried you won't want her becasue you have a "new" baby. Have you been talking about the baby or have you been using brother or sister instead?

When she gets new toys do you usually give her old ones to charoty or get rid of them in some way?

CybilLiberty · 21/11/2009 22:30

Aw, bless her! She does sound a little unsettled about the imminent addition to the family...and in light of all your domestic upheavals too it's to be expected!

I'm sure when the baby comes and routines are established she will settle more and enjoy her role as big sister. For the time being, if it was my dd I would probably indulge her a bit more and make a fuss of her, the baby can be in 'second' place without suffering too much

badietbuddy · 21/11/2009 22:31

Have you gone on maternity leave by any chance? My dd got a bit like this when I was due with my ds. She turned 4 2 weeks after I had him. She had been in full time childcare as I worked full time but after going on maternity leave it didn't make financial sense so she was mostly at home with me with a few hours at pre school, from 29 weeks when I had to leave work due to extremely bad SPD. She loved her nursery so it was a big change, but she then got very attatched to havign me at home and had the same kind of concerns. I do think it will pass, and is a natural reaction to all the changes that will be happening in your family

MavisEnderby · 21/11/2009 22:32

Pavlov,it is NORMAL! how old is dd ?

I found the first few months quite challenging,esp as no 2 had sn and was a refluxy nightmare,and fullyremember ds putting a cardboard box over dds head 8 weeks in when I dared nip up to toilet and leave them alone,lol!

The thing is it is inevitable that no1 is anxious re no 2,expect a few blips along the way (I was a bit of a mess 6 weeks inwith no sleep)

BUT ,BUT ,in the long term it is LOVELY.(kEEP REPEATING THIS 1000X IN EARLY DAYS)

It will be worth it ,even if you don't believe it at first

KristinaM · 21/11/2009 22:34

is she two or three? If so I think it might be because she now understands that you are a seperate person from her and that you CAN leave

might be her age rather than anything specifically to do with the baby

just a thought

badietbuddy · 21/11/2009 22:35

Yes, I can reitterate that now ds is an 18 month old (and for a long time now actually) they are absolute best buddies and it's lovely Also agree that the baby can be left much more than you will have done with your pfb and will not suffer

RatherBeOnThePiste · 21/11/2009 22:40

I once new a 3 year old child who genuinely believed her mum was going to explode and that was how the baby was to be born. She was so afraid and had stewed on it. Your DD needs lots of cuddles and support. It sounds like she has a lot on her mind and is fretting. I remember with our second that I was so very glad whenhe was born and we could get on with our lives ! Good luck xx

Original poster
PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 21/11/2009 22:41

She is 3 & 4 months.

We refer to him as baby brother, she is very excited about him coming along. We have tried to involve her as much as we can, she has helped buy some clothes for him, pick out some stickers for his nursery. She has a new bedroom which she loves and at the same time we picked out some pretty things for her room.

We usually give her toys to friends who have children if we give them away, but we new we were having another at some point so kept a lot.

She is in nursery 2 days a week, and we have kept this routine going even though I am maternity leave, felt it was best to keep things as normal as we can. DH says I indulge her already! I try to talk to her in an inclusive way, and read her 'my mummy loves me' this evening and we cuddled.

I have tried to do some things with her these last couple of weeks, take her to the aquarium, took her to the zoo, and I have talked to her about how important she is to us, before baby arrives, and after baby arrives, about what a good big sister she will be.

She does not seem on the surface to be upset about her brother arriving, i guess she does not know what it all means and that she will still be our little girl.

I do worry that we have put too much on her, what with converting the loft, and all that came with it.

I came downstairs after settling her and had a cry .

Thanks for the responses. I hope she will realise we will look after he.

OP posts:
Crocky · 21/11/2009 22:43

Have you talked about going into hospital to have the baby? Could it be that she is scared about how long you will be away and that you will actually come back?

Original poster
PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 21/11/2009 22:44

rather, i told her i needed to go to hospital to have the baby, when we talked about how the baby would come out (surprisingly aware, she said ;he won't come out of your belly button that is silly, or your bumbum ergh!, does he come out of your bits?). I wonder if that scares her?

She has been to the hospital with us for scans, and we went last week and she said 'i don't want to take mummy to the hospital'. Maybe she is worried something is going to happen to me.

Oh I want to go cuddle her right now !

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Original poster
PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 21/11/2009 22:46

crocky x-posted!

How do i make her understand i will be home again, and very soon. I minimised the hospital thing, had said we need to pop in and see the Dr to make sure everything is ok, and we will be home after she has had a sleepover with xxx (our friend who is looking after her when I go in to labour, and who she has sleepovers with), i tried to make it very light and normal and emphasised the sleepover aspect.

OP posts:
MavisEnderby · 21/11/2009 22:51

She will cope,pavlov.

Children are very resilient.

ds has coped with his dsis having sn and his df having a long term chronic illness,all dx when he was 3.His df is in and out of hospital and his dsis has sn,all in space of 2 years or so.I have beaten myself up about it but he is in yr 1 now and appears to be settled and happy.Don't worry,you may have teething toubles but it will all work oUT oK though it is really hard when you are having sleepless nights with bf and then having the toddler stuff.She will be ok and eventually you will reach a day where they are both int he bath and playing and giggling and you will look at them contentedly and say,yes of course it was worth it

Original poster
PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 21/11/2009 22:55

mavis oh i hope so. I asked her the other day what she might say to her brother when she meets him for the first time and she said 'i love you baby brother'. AND she said he can play with her train set.

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whomovedmychocolate · 21/11/2009 22:55

Ah like me you are blessed with one of each. Emphathise that she will always be your little girl and you will always be her mummy and your son will be your little boy and you'll also be there for him. DD was just the same when DS was born and she regressed a lot for the first six weeks but it was fine after that. Now he's 16 months and she thinks of him as a toy that makes interesting noises when she pokes him

But they do look sweet when they walk hand in hand down the street.

Crocky · 21/11/2009 22:56

Mavis is right.
At the moment, lots of cuddles and reassurance. Keep her involved as much as she can be.

BreadAndJam · 21/11/2009 22:56

We talked a lot to our dd about how she was going to be a big girl now that her baby brother was due, and tried to make a real fuss of her being the big sister and being able to help mummy etc etc

I think in retrospect, she just didn't want / wasn't ready, to be the big girl/big sister. Maybe she thought it meant she was no longer our baby and so no longer needed looking after by us in the same way.

When ds was born, dd quite regressed, and would no longer walk up and down the stairs, feed herself, do all sorts of things she was quite capable of. For a while anyway. Once she was reassured that yes we were still there to look after her as well as the new baby, she got a bit better. It took a good 6 months tho.

So with hindsight I wouldn't have talked about her being a 'big girl now' or made any expectation of her being anything other than my 2 year old.

Original poster
PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 21/11/2009 22:59

We have bought her a kiddizoom camera from baby brother so she can take lots of photos. She is really into taking photos atm so we thought it would be a good way to get her involved.

And I have given her some of her old sleepsuits for her dolly, and a spare changing mat for her dolly so she can get changed when brother is being changed.

I shall keep on with this, as will DH, who thinks I worry too much about everything mostly at the moment .

OP posts:
choccyp1g · 21/11/2009 23:00

Is she thinking you'll be too busy looking after the baby to find time for her? Perhaps you should mention that you will have two babies now? Amd like whomoved says, she will always be you baby girl?

Renaissancewoman · 21/11/2009 23:00

It sounds like she is worried about you going into hospital. Try and convey to her how normal it is for babies to be born in hospital, like she was? and her friends etc etc.

If it is about having a sibling I agree with what someone else has said above about indulging her. The best bit of advice I had was that you should really concentrate on the older child/children when a baby comes along and ask visitors to do the same. A healthy baby will be fine and will just fit in, but if the older ones go through a 'funny phase' it could really unsettle things and make the lives of the parents harder.

I know a lot of people talk about the role of the big sibling to the child or being Mummy's special helper but I think that puts too much responsibility on the child and could make them feel worse like they have to grow up now when they want to carry on being looked after/being little etc.

It will all settle. Good luck with it all

Original poster
PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 21/11/2009 23:03

bread DD has always wanted to be the big girl. So we have taken the cue from that, but tried not to labour it too much. Reassure her that she is our daughter as well as big sister. She has, luckily for us, always wanted to 'help', even before i became pregnant. We will try not to go on about being big too much with her.

OP posts:
aristocat · 21/11/2009 23:16

Pavlov she sounds adorable.
i have 2 DCs DS is 7 & DD is 5. she likes even now to be told she is mommys baby!

just keep reassuring her that mommy has enough love for both & she will be fine

Original poster
PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 21/11/2009 23:21

Choccy we talk to her all the time about how she is our little girl and always with be (she is our little princess). I think i agree with the not treating her too much like the grown up child. She is only 3 and I don't want her to grow up yet either.

I did not really consider how telling her i am going into hospital might affect her, and who knows how much weight she has put on this? \

Thanks guys. I feel much better. DH has just come home and I have blubbed and we read through some of the posts together, and for a change he is agreement with 'the witches' as he refers to you all . He agrees we need to keep things normal for DD and as breadandjam said, treat her as the 3 year old she is, as we would anyway.

OP posts:
differentID · 22/11/2009 09:09

Hi Pavlov, how are things this morning?

Hope your little boy turns up so your dd can meet her baby brother

Original poster
PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 22/11/2009 09:54

Morning DID, I went up to see her before i went to bed, as she has a cough, and twas a good excuse to check on her (not that I need one!) and I stroked her hair while she slept and said 'you are my special princess' and she nodded vaguely in her sleep and then i said 'you know mummy loves you very much' and she nodded again, and i kissed her and felt happier.

DH and I had a good chat, and he reassured me that he had the same pangs of guilt about changing her life so drastically, but reminded me that we were in fact doing something great her for, we were giving her a family and she will love it.

Today, she woke up at 7:45am, for the first time in a LONG time (normally 6am) but that was due to being a wake for a while last night due to her cough, she was and still is in a great happy mood and DH has taken her to the shops to buy eggs so we can have scrambled eggs and beans for brunch!

Thanks for asking. I guess these wobbles are normal when we change our lives. I remember being tearful when we had DD that i might not love our cats as much, or that they might feel left out!

OP posts:
BreadAndJam · 22/11/2009 20:31

lol at being 'the witches'