Difficult Behaviour in a four year old boy

[edinburger]

Hello
I hope that the wise ones of mumsnet can give me some much needed advice.

I am finding DS who is four very hard to cope with. I am a single parent and he rarely sees his dad and he has really been hard work for me lately.

He has recently started to have tantrums again - and I mean full on toddler tantrums. I have been trying to encourage him to be more grown up, for example to stop using the buggy all the time, for a while he did well and rode his scooter but he is now insisting on the buggy and I tend to give in as otherwise a full tantrum will start off which is not what I need when we have a bus to catch to get him to nursery and me to work on time!

HIs bedtime was also better for a while - he woudl settle happily in his own bed, but now he is making such a fuss that I tend to let him get into my bed (what he wants) just so that he gets to sleep, otherwise it can be hours of screaming.

He is still using a dummy at night and even that does nto seem to settle him anymore so I feel I shuold just go cold turkey on it.

Last ngith he woke up at about 11pm and had a huge tantrum - I tried to calm him but I couldn;t - I sensed he needed a wee and took him to the loo. He intially sat on the loo and started to wee then he stood up and peed all over the floor and his cuddlies that he had taken with him. I lost it and shouted at him, I feel awful for having shouted at him but I was at the end of my patience.

Please, please give me some adviceon how to cope with this:
Should I just bin the buggy and dummies and take a zero tolerance policy at bed time and see how it goes I feel like I am an awful mother and that I have given him behavioural problems and don;t even know what I did wrong

you have done nothing wrong sweetheart

4 year olds can be v trying [understatement]

so

wrt sleep - can you bear to start sleep training, if you are not working this weekend you could start tonight? I am thinking of the rapid return, Tanya Byron-style, where you return to bed 40 times the first night, 20 times the 2nd and 4 the 3rd (hopefully) but you will be v tired !

The dummy might be a red herring, I wouldn't try to change everything at the same time, so keep it for the mo

Tantrums, yes, a pain - you can't change him but you can change your reaction to them: Ignore ignore ignore, and praise when you can, yes?

Ditch the buggy, he can walk (although you might need to perfect the underarm rugby-carry where his legs wriggle behind you if he protests out and about)

good luck

You are both having a difficult time by the sound of it, I am sure it's nothing you have or havne't done so don't beat yourself up! And we've all shouted (I hope) and later regretted it; part of parenthood. Keep the dummy; I have a 4 yo who still needs her pushchair so I'd be tempted to keep that too to make life easier (they're heavy!)
Try to talk to him and his nursery helpers, maybe something has upset him that you don't know about.
Try to give him a regular early bedtime; make time for a nice bath and story and settling down time and be as firm as you can about him staying in his bed. Mine play up when they've had too much junk food; as much fruit/veg as he'll tolerate may help. Good luck; they all have funny phases and it does pass. Maybe you can get a relative to have him for a while this weekend to give you some recovering time?

First, you are not a bad mum. You are just being tried by the f*ing 4s (much worse than the terrible 2s!)

has he just started reception? All the boys in DS's class (including DS) have been having temper tantrums/accidents/being generally impossible - largely as a result of being tired and overwrought and full of germs.

The fact that he is restless at night and begging for his buggy may suggest that he is coming down with something or battling with a series of bugs. There is so much going round, and it can take weeks for children to fully recover from a really bad cold/stomach bug.

Also I'm no professional, but nothing you have written sounds atypical for a 4yo. DS1 had a full on screaming fit for 30 minutes because DS2 went to nursery in pajamas (for children in need) and thus had an unfair advantage in the 'getting dressed race'. His teacher assures me that his behaviour is no worse than any of the others (and he does have tantrums at school!)

As for what to do - I'd take it easy for now. Go back to the buggy if it makes your life easier. Don't take away his dummy unless you think it is making his sleep worse. Try not to get too distressed about the tantrums - although I know they are infuriating and embarrassing. He will probably go back to being more grown up in a few weeks - they all go through these phases!

aren't 4 year olds jsut adorable!

Mine had a massive paddy in M&S last week. I had to carry him out while he was spitting and kicking and the whole shop was looking at me! He then proceeded to strip off his shoes and socks and kick the bins repeatedly.

I think it is a bit of pushing boundaries. I tend to take a zero tolerance approach, but it does depend on how much you can take, and if you ahve the time to let them tantrum it out. I've had a little luck trying to get dt1 to do deep breathing to calm himself down. He can scream as much as he wants, but if he hits and spits he starts to lose things - video games, desserts, bedtime.

I would be tempted to bin the buggy and the dummy altogether so he can't ask for them.
Mine have a choice, cycle, scooter or walk.

I do feel for you on the bedtime thing, dt2 goes through phases of that.

Thanks for the lovely encouraging posts everyone, I really appreciate your responses.

Have been feeling really down lately as feel I am failing as a parent and after speaking with the nursery today actually felt worse!

So comforting to know that DS is not unusual in his behaviour, and that I am not the only one dealing with this. I honestly thought that it got easier as they got older am already seeing that is not going to happen.

DS is at nursery where he is very settled and has friends who he sees out of nursery too. The teacher I spoke to today said that he still occassionally had tantrums at nursery but that she deals with them by putting him on time out. I try that but when ever I do he just follows me round the house crying, paddying and whining until I snap and shout at him which makes things worse.

HE starts school in AUgust and I have just been sorting all that out and I have recently gone back to work full time so he is definitely more tired as much longer days for him so I am trying to take that into account.

Worry that I am passing my low mood onto him - I find it hard being a single parent as all my friends are couples and I get very little support. The whole school thing was tough as no one to discuss pros and cons of each school with so I'm anxious about making the right decision for him. DS is aware of the up coming change as his Best friend is off to a different school and he keeps asking to go with him but not possible as no way I could afford the fees....

Anyway thank you so much for the advice, I found another thread from another mum of a four year old boy on here so will keep an eye on that one too.

Let's hope we have a better weekend than last week....

boysrlikedogs - I do have the tanya book - have just never been brave enough to face actually doing it!

I am usually so knacked by bed time that it's the last thing I want to do but think it has come to crucnh point now, at the age of four part of me feels he should be in his own bed, I must admit that a small part of me does like him in my bed, but it is a small part and most of me worries taht it is selfish and that he needs to be more independent.

Interestingly on the (sadly very rare) occassions that he has a babysitter or when he stays at his granpa's he goes to sleep no bother - is just me that he saves the drama for....

Thank you very much for you kind words - I really needed them today!