Low self esteem/confidence in 5 yr old ds - add in some bullying too - need advice please.

[BernieBear]

Sorry, this maybe long but I could really do with some advice - for me or my ds!

My ds is in year 1, and after a parent/teacher consultation I was told that he suffers badly with low confidence and self esteem. He is too scared to try anything (incl reading and writing) in case he gets it wrong).

I have been aware that he is scared to try new things but feel this is now getting to a point where it is effecting him badly and his development.

He does do swimming lessons which whilst he is not particularly good at yet, he keeps on trying and is not scared to (these are swimming classes with no school friends, just other children he doesn't know). He also does football with his classmates but now wants to stop that.

I have never critisised him, only encorouged and give lots of praise/rewards for good trys/good work etc. I cannot understand where this lack of confidence stems from.

He has expressed an interest in martial arts and we are going to watch a local session to see if he may enjoy it (again this would not involve any classmates from school) and I know that this type of activity can help with low self esteem in boys.

He was diagnosed as borderline dyslexic, and is actually really enjoying the extra one on one sessions he has with the teacher to help with this. So this is a plus.

On top of this, he is falling out with a boy who used to be his "best friend". I know that this is a regular occurance through school, but this boy is saying some particular nasty stuff to my ds incl. "I am going to come around to your house and nick your dog and put him on the road" - amongst other comments. This led to two nights of nightmares for my ds, and then yesterday he spent over an hour crying and screaming when he got home from school - a complete meltdown. I have tried to help ds with dealing with this boy and will be seeing his teacher again today to try and sort something out. But I am pretty sure that this situation is not helping at all with ds' low confidence.

So, in a nutshell, do any of the wise women out there have any suggestions as to how to help ds with his confidence, how to help him deal with this boy and how to help me deal with all this. I have had another sleepless night thinking about this.

Am in and out all day today but will pop back when I can.

Many thanks in advance

Bernie

anyone?

Well, I think praise for trying rather than ability, iyswim, is a good thing, as sometimes kids who're praised for being clever/ good ay drawing etc can be put off trying things they might not be good at straight away, and you're doing that.

i'd be v aware of not getting 'sucked in' to worrying about him all the time, too. Because the last thing he needs is to be feeling responsible for your anxiety and sadness, and he will pick up on it. And it's very very helpful to model not being over-affected by what other people do. Your feelings are your own, and all that. I have a phrase that really feels helpful that I use with my 5 year old, when she sayss that someone makes her feel sad, etc, that 'x is not the boss of your feelings. Only YOU are', but truly this only works if you model it too.

It's a bit of a fine line, doing all you can to help him, but not getting too attached to 'fixing' him; feel ok with him as he is, low confidence and all, and it will go a long way to helping him feel better about himself ime.

The swimming and martial arts sound great

Hth

Is your teacher experienced enough and loving enough to bring out the best in a boy who doesn't want to try. and a dyslexic one at that ?
because ds1, yr 1 is very stubborn. I had to almost bully him into learning to ride his bike in the summer. took 2 days. then he was off. and his reception teacher, who was an angel in dsguisee, gently encouraged him and goaded him, had him sit next to her all the time, and before you knew it, he was off flying, with his reading particularly. his writing is o.k. but a bit crap. his maths is brill.
so i think if yuo had her as his teacher, she would work magic on hima nd you may have less concerns. mind you we have to talk the dyslexia into this. it is a big thing.

teh bullying is worry. you didn't mention it at parents eve ? do so now. infact make an appointment to see her asap. encourage other friendships. tell him tosaty away from theis boy. and ask the teacher to keep them apart.

see what the teacher says to all of this.

Thank you for your replies. I can understand the fine line between helping and fixing. I can see that now. That makes sense. I will try to keep that in the forefront of my mind when dealing with this. I do praise for trying - but he seems to think that trying and not succeeding is a form of failure. However, will continue onwards. Funnily enough, at swimming he is quite self confident in the respect of trying - and this is one time I say "just enjoy yourself" rather than have expectations ifswim.

The teacher did in fact bring up the relationship between ds and this other boy at parents evening, and we discussed it. Yesterday I saw her again and said it appeared to be escalating and she was going to talk to both of them. They are currently doing "what makes a good friend" in class. She is going to keep them apart and then in Year 2 put them in different classes.

My mantra for the next 16 years is "X is not the boss of my feelings" and I will teach ds this this too.

Thank you for your time, I feel a little better.