Help - In tears for the first time as a mum

[karenfield]

Hi everyone, hoping those of you out there with toddlers or older children can help me...for the first time last night since being a mum I was in tears.

My DS is 13 months old, and he's changed overnight, most of the day he's adorable as always (he's not always been an angel but we'd settled together quite nicely after the initial few months of oh my goodness what do I do!!!), but suddenly I'm getting tantrums out of nowhere if he wants the TV on or a dummy (things that he didn't used to have except occasionally), he started screaming at bathtime when he used to like it, and he's in floods of tears over the slightest thing. On top of that to top and tail the day he's refusing to let me get a toothbrush in his mouth to clean his teeth.

I feel like I'm at my wits end and have another 2 years of this I guess. Any advice, comfort, anything is welcome. I cannot believe I burst into tears last night when I then couldn't get him to sleep when usually he goes down fine

Thanks everyone

Karen xx

Any chance he might be teething? Has he got his molars yet? Might explain the general upset and refusal to have his teeth brushed.

It's a tricky age, they're just discovering that they can influence what happens to them and they're testing out what's acceptable and what isn't. Try to be consistent and calm and praise the good behaviour.

And don't bath him every night if he really doesn't like it.

Toddler Taming is a good book for understanding what's going through your toddler's mind and why they are acting as they are.

I have found 'The Science of Parenting' by Margot Sunderland a god send in understanding and therefore dealing with my 3 year olds testing times. He is now a little angel(almost) and rarely tantrums.

sorry you're having a hard time.
When mine were all little a friend used to say we should all have a motto painted over our front doors-
'this too shall pass'
the 'terrible twos' often start early, and I think you just have to try and see it as a phase. I'm sure lots of people will have more practical suggestions, mine is more an attitude of mind reccommendation
I also remember hearing that awful toddlers may turn into very reasonable pre-schoolers...as if a child's personality may be better equipped to cope with some stages more than others.
If he is suddenly refusing a toothbrush, maybe his mouth is sore for some reason and that's making him grumpy?

best of luck

My ds started his tantrums at that age. Definitely might be teething! It doesn't stay that intense, ime it goes in phases. You also get much more used to it after the intial shock.

It has taken me months to be able to clean ds's teeth properly, and dd who is thirteen months won't let me near her mouth at the moment. Just keep trying and don't stress about it.

I'm surprised it took 13 months to cry! I was in tears alot - I hod no idea what to do either. I'm afraid I have no advice, except that it will pass.
The best piece of advice I was given when I was pregnant is to remeber... it's a phase.
If they are screaming...it's a phase
If they are not sleeping... it's a phase
If they are sleeping... it's a phase

Sorry - I can't give you anything more concrete than that, but someone with much more knowledge will come along soon.

Karen is it possible your DS is coming down with something? Either teething or a cold? Reason I ask is because DS1 (who is 3.5) recently had a cold/flu bug which made him really miserable long before the symptoms appeared properly, and he behaved SO BADLY I couldn't believe it. He's had tantrums before, but nothing like this, it was off the charts.

Then he got sore throat and a tight chest, then a cough and snotty nose etc, and is only now getting over it about three weeks later. I came down with it too and you do feel terrible for a while before the sore throat shows.

Try giving him Calpol and see if that improves his behaviour, if it does then you know he's feeling ill. Then it's still hard to deal with, but at least you know it will pass quickly.

As for dealing with tantrums, if they are because he's feeling rotten, then lots of cuddles and patience and ride it out is the best advice I can offer.

HTH

Hi, and well done you for getting this far without crying(think i made it 3 days with both mine)

Everything that you going through im sorry to say is normal,they turn into little monsters at times. My eldsest is nearly 5 and i have a 9 month old.

Just persist with the same routine you are doing,try not to change things to much.
Reguarding the sleeping i would just leave him to cry,i did with both of mine and its done niether of them any harm. Try putting him down wi you sat next to cot reading a story or stroking him. make sure he is awake wen you put him down,so he knows he is in bed.
I used to not make any eye contact,no speaking,dont take him out of cot even to change nappy do it in cot/make sure he is not hungrey and actually ready for bed/tired and not b4.use a clock 2 time the seconds/mins you leave him to cry b4 going back in to give him his dummy/comfort him by putting yr hand on his chest and walk back out,do this a longer interveals each time and hopefully he will become settled on his own,thus allowing him to go to sleep on his own. I promise this works,its hard,it may take a few nites or just one,but persist with it.
Tantrums are just a part of kids a way of getting wat they want or attention. everyone has there own way of dealing with them,but i really crnt remember wat i did with my first and not there with second yet.(so il be asking you for advice on that in few months.

I would worry bout baths,stick him in the sink or try a shower,can he take a bath with you? Most impotant keep up the contact with water,so e dont get fussy. Try again tonite,stick some toys in that he plays with during the day,spoons any thing.

but its all normal and keep up the good work lady x

Sympathies, it's tough isn't it?

I've found with mine that any huge changes in behaviour are usually due to pain or illness , hunger or overtiredness.

Any of this possible?

As Borntofolk says, has he got teeth coming through? Has he recently dropped a nap? Any big changes in his life? Starting nursery? A drop in blood sugar when they're hungry can have a dramatic effect on behaviour.

None of this helps you deal with it I know, but knowing the cause can put your mind at rest and know that it's not for ever.

Don't waste your energy having arguments about stuff that doesn't really matter - a bath evey few days is fine. Perhaps some new bath toys or a bubble machine would make him more enthusiastic?

Getting out and about really helps, nothing is worse than being stuck at home with a baby when they're like this. Do you go to toddler groups? Or wrap him up warm and go to the park, you'll both feel better after some fresh air.

Mostly though, I've found that these dramatic personality changes only last a day or two, then you're back on an even keel again.

Hope this is the case for you

Agree with everyone else, this kind of thing is very often a phase - he could be feeling under the weather, teething, growth spurt etc. and it could just be a few days. Even when it's not it still does pass eventually!

Re tantrums, my tip is never give in to them. You can still be kind and loving, hug him, soothe him and distract him but if he tantrumming to get something, he doesn't get that thing (until later when he's calmed down and won't make any connection). The worst thing you can do now, for your own sanity, is teach him that screaming his head off gets the results he wants. Try to keep your cool and carry on as normal - but if you have to cry don't feel bad. Blub away and make sure you make time to reward yourself and relax when you've had a hard day with him - eg have a nice bubble bath, magazine, chocolate whatever. The tantrum stage is stressful and you will get through it more easily by de-stressing when you can.

Wow thank you all so much, when you're in a situation it's quite hard to see isn't it...but he was quite sick with a stinking cold last week that required antibiotics - and resulting in nappy rash, the week before his grandmother was staying, and he's learnt to walk in the past 2 weeks - so much going on. To top it off judging by the drool he could be teething too. The poor thing is bound to be grumpy. It's just come as such a shock to my system.

I guess you get in tune with them and then they change, and you have to change and reconnect to them and their rhythms.

He's definitely worse in the afternoons so maybe a nice long walk after lunch will stop me going crazy.

Thank you all so much I feel so much better for getting it off my chest

Kaz x

Glad you're feeling better - hope you had a better day today

Sounds like he's not quite over being ill then. Hopefully things will be better soon.

But....I remember the shock of my first baby becoming a real person with opinions! In retrospect (always easier!), they are still pretty easy to distract at this age, much harder when nearer 2. I remember having the getting-dd-into-supermarket-trolley ritual perfected, with the distraction of the biscuit going into the hand timed to perfection, and off we went before she realised she was in.

With teeth-cleaning I took the view that some things just have to happen, picked them up and got on with it quickly whilst pinning arms down. Sometimes singing a silly song helped "This is the way we brush our teeth" etc. And once after pinning ds down every day for weeks I realised he hated the taste of the toothpaste, bought a different one and he was fine!

Oh and meant to ask, is he walking? Once my dd started to walk we had to get out so much. We went to toddler groups, parks, so many painful walks spending ages examining one stone. It's lovely when they start pointing out cats and dogs and making the noises, and enjoying books and toys properly - it's a great stage your ds is at. Now that my 3 are all at school and I seem to spend the whole time ferrying them here and there I look back so fondly on that time and hope I managed to enjoy it enough while it was happening! Good luck!