I really need help wioth my DS, please talk to me :(

[Disenchanted3]

DH and I have been struggling with DS for a while.

I have mentioned it to my mum but he is her golden boy and can do no wrong with her so I'm told 'its just a phase' or 'oh hes fine leave him be'

She grimaces if I try to control or disapline him and over rides my aurthority with him.

But thats not really the issue.

His behaviour is awful, he shouts screams, kicks hits, and over the silliest little things.

He s late every morning because he kicks and screams, we cant get him one the bike He screams and shoyuts STOP HURTING ME when we are barely holding him.

Everythings a kicking screaming battl,

this morning he had strops over breakfast and a few other things but it kicked off because i wanted him to put new socks on, as in new from shop, he wanted to keep his on that he had on 24 hours and i insisted he had to change them.

So next thing hes on floor screaming, runni9ng upstairs.

DH had to force socks and shoes on. if he didnt we would still be here now battling with him

he is almost 5 btw

Has aanyone got any advice please??

He waas late again this morning as he was screaming and refusing to get dressed

Sorry I don't have any advice, since my DS is only 5 months, but wanted to bump this and make sure someone saw it!!

Is he like this all the time?

Or is it when he has to do something you've asked him to do?

If the latter, have you tried giving choices - e.g. are you going to brush your teeth first or put your shoes on first?

Or counting to 5 with a sanction if he doesnt do whatever needs doing by 5. I only usually get to 3 with my DS now because he knows I'm serious.

Also, warn him things are going to happen. Right, after breakfast you can do this for x amount of time then we are going to do Y.

Sorry these are a bit obvious, you may have already tried them.

I have Manky, its pretty much all the time

He is very clever, very articulate, very stubborn

We always try the 'talk to him like a grown up' thing, we say you are a big boy now, you get to choose, do you want to get dressed nicely etc

he just freaks out

Thanks Tee

have you tried threatening to take him to school in his pjs, and without bfast and carrying it through if he doesn't get ready?

Is he ok at school?

my younger ds was very 'difficult'.I had to learn to be very clear and consistent.
And to big up the positive (without being patronising)

Have ytou tried different approaches, like silly voices, whispering, singing? (I know it sounds nuts but it can really diffuse a meltdown situation)

you need >>>< and one of her how to talk so children will listen and listen so children iwll talk threads..

I could have written your post Disenchanted. My DS (4.5) is like this at the moment. He always had bad tantrums but grew out of them, but once DS2 was born (1yo) they started again.

Basically, if I say no to anything, he cannot stand it. And it is usally a refusal with a good reason, or an alternative, but he is intractable. If the day goes ahead on his terms, then he is an angel, but if he doesn't get his own way, then he screams, shouts and sometimes gets hysterical. It's exhausting and I empathise with you. He has time outs on his naughty chair and things taken away, but the behaviour will flare up again after a little while. It is especially bad at the moment as my partner is away and DS1 is having to share me with DS2 and there is no daddy at the end of the day.

I think that spending some time alone with him would help, but when he behaves like this, I don't really want to! Anyway, not much help, but sympathy.

what do you do when he behaves like this, ie what are the consequences for him?

Is your ds always this way about new socks? is he the same with other new clothes and shoes?

What is he like with eating in general and being touched?

Sleep, if its before school there are no consequences really, the emphisis is on getting him to school so we barter/ sweet talk/ threaten anything we can think of to get him off the floor

claw, no not always, that was just the trigger that morning,

he used to be evry odd about uniforms/ dressing up etc

but has lightened up in that respect immensly He just wanted to have his ow way and keep his socks

Eating is great but is fussy with veg,

being touched, well hes not a 'huggy' child, DS2 will sit on my knee all day but DS1 will shrug away, he doesn't give kisses out, wont really hug anyone but Dad,

its sort of a 'ewww' reaction he has to it

I have 2 boys and aged 4 was the hardest stage for both of them. We had tantrums where we never had before (or since).
Much of it I now think was down to starting school. They are very young and the tiredness can make them quite unreasonable and badly behaved. It's just a thought but if this is newish behaviour maybe try to bring his bedtime forward?

He laready goes to bad at 7pm, I think any earlier and he wouldn't be able to sleep and would cause him to come downstairs, he doesn't do this ATM,

I think it is just a phase, but its VERY hard to deal with and DS2 hears and sees his behaviour and is very influenced by DS1 so he has started to say 'no, i hate you / i will hit you' etc to me as well (

And also started to favour dad and say he doesn't like me

I start a 4 week course in Jan at my surestart centre about mums and their sons, for mums of boys age 1-5 so that should help hopefully!

I also have a 4yo DS prone to bizarre tantrums so I sympathise and agree that its not an unusual thing at this age. I wonder if the "big boy" thing is a bit much for them sometimes as well - its as if mine gets torn between wanting to be grown up but also sometimes still wants to be a baby, so sometimes I do let him behave a bit more childishly (cuddles, help dressing/eating) if he seems to be in that mood, as well as using lots of positive reinforcement when he does things like finish meals/get dressed by himself.

FWIW though, I think there do need to be consequences and they have to be consistent. There shouldn't be any bartering or sweet talking, you need to maintain a facade of indifference while telling him what will happen if he's not a good boy.

You may have to brace yourself to do as Chops said and take him to school in pj's/no breakfast at least once but I understand that this sounds drastic for you as well as him. Maybe as a starting point, think about what he likes after school? A trip to the park/visit to friends/playing with a favourite toy/edible treats he would normally have/TV? Explain clearly and calmly that if he doesn't get ready and behave in the morning then he doesn't get whichever one of these he looks forward to after school (i.e if you have to wrestle with him and force him to eat/dress then the treat will not happen)- then give him the choice of which of two pairs of socks he wants to put on/whether to dress or eat first. If he kicks off always follow through after school, again explaining clearly what he is missing/can't have and why.

Unlike a toddler where consequences need to be immediate for them to understand why something nice is/isn't happening, he is old enough to quickly grasp the association between the behaviour in the morning and what he misses out on after school despite the intervening hours. Once he realises you are serious hopefully he will shape up!

Good luck

I have a ds (now 6) who sounds very similar to yours. I feel that he takes up so much of my time and energy, which is so unfair on my 2 dds.

He was also most challenging around age 4 I would say. I haven't by any means always handled him well but can share with you some things which have helped us survive the last few years (he can still be really difficult but things are so much better now).

I honestly believe that some children do not respond at all to the rewards/threats/punishments style. We gave up, it just made no difference, he didn't care. So a lot of it was me changing my approach. If he really lost control of himself I would put him in his room to calm down, but there were no punishments like losing priveleges or anything.

I also realised that he needs to have a lot of control over his life. So I took a huge deep breath and tried hard to not fight with him unless it was really necessary. You might have to let him wear the dirty socks - it doesn't matter that much does it? But don't wait until he's in full screaming mode before you say yes, just say ok right away and encourage him to ask nicely not shout or whine. When he's in a calmer mood you could explain why we have to change clothes often and ask him how he would like to make sure that happens. My ds can usually come up with something, even if it's not exactly what I would do. It's hard (this is coming from a self-confessed control freak!) but worth it for the difference in ds.

I stay firm on the important things like bedtime and manners, but remind him a lot when he's calm what I expect from him. I choose my times carefully, he has a very short fuse and I know once he's started getting angry that he's not listening to me. Also we have quite a strict routine so he knows, for example, that tv is after dinner and I'll tell him 5 mins before he needs to turn it off.

I also give him regular snacks - just an idea but some kids definitely get dips in blood sugar.

Hope this helps.

Disenchanted, how has your DS been today?

Mine was pretty, er, challenging yesterday! I did manage to keep calm though and not engage with him while he was in his rage. And we did talk it through after he had calmed down and I explained to him why his behavious was unacceptable and what I would like him to do, as KTNoo suggested.

I did have a word with his teacher this morning and she said he was perfectly behaved at school and that he was letting off steam with me because he felt 'safe' with me. I suppose she means that he knows he is loved no matter how he behaves. I did ask her to bring up the subject of families and how they treat each other, respect, no hitting younger siblings, etc and she said that she would.

So, I will see if that has any effect as he adores school and his teachers.

Good luck

I've just started a thread about difficult behaviour in four year old DS so ooops for not finding this thread first

Am having very similar issues with DS at the moment and am dealing well with him as I feel that he is "too old" for tantrums and a lot of his other babyish behaviour.

I spoke to his nursery about it and they said that he seemed to want to stay a baby, which I found worrying! He does say that he doesn't want to "grow big" and I just explain that everyone grows up and that he has lots to look forward to like going to school etc.

There's a lot of good suggestions in the posts so I appreciate those tips - thanks everyone!

Let's hope it gets easier......