Please help me deal with my 11 yo ds

[fartmeistergeneral]

Rude, argumentative, lazy, negative, hurls insults, shouts, messy, eating appalling, etc etc etc.

I can hardly have a conversation with him. I feel like I nag and moan and complain at him all the time (and I'm a big believer in choosing battles, this is ignoring some of the behaviour). I have to tell him a million times to do something simple. His eating of lunch is a joke, dinner is a battle.

I feel he thinks we are constantly disappointed in him which must be awful for him, but some days it's hard to see the positives. When he's nice, he's lovely, but it's so rare.

He's bright, in all the top groups but has let eg his reading slide. Doesn't do homework til the last minute, never practices his instruments although his teachers say he has a natural gift.

I'm sure this is all quite natural behaviour in a pre-teen, but I just need some tips on how to deal with it day to day. Help!!!

desperate bump

no-one in my position? Waahhhh!!!

dd1 -nearly 11 - also quite like this. No real advice as I also am struggling! Answers back a lot, doesn't seem to listen to instructions, lots of selective deafness. Also never practices her guitar - but it doesn't seem to make any difference as she gets good reports from teacher . I veer between probably being too relaxed to being too strict and then feeling like I'm always having a go at her. I suspect it's quite normal for this age, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Are there any activities that the two of you can enjoy together?

A TV programme you both like to watch and chat about? A trip to browse around a particular shop? Model making?

I would try not to nag about the homework or music practice for a hwile. And what is so bad about mealtimes? How he eats or what he eats?

thanks all. I know nagging is NOT the way to go and spoke to dh about it last night.

Re the music, I have backed off for 2 weeks now, sometimes gentle reminder but telling him that it's his choice whether to do it or not. Obviously his teacher has been telling him to do more practice. The thing is I know he's good at music and there's a future for him in it (not professionally, I just mean in his life) so I don't want to agree that he quits. Anyway, he doesn't actually want to quit, just can't be bothered practicing.

The other stuff. I like the idea of considering his lack of organisation as part of who he is and not something he does on purpose to annoy us! That makes sense.

Re the eating. He's always been a bit of a fussy eater, but it's been particularly bad lately. It's like he's using this as another way to create tension. I don't know.

What about the rudeness etc? It's constant. How do I teach him that it's not acceptable without shouting at him all day every day?

any other ideas?

I have two DSs and I learned with the older one that forcing a child to continue with an activity when they have lost interest, whether it be sport, scouts or music causes much stress and does not in the end make them enjoy it.
There are so many things they HAVE to do such as homework that life can become a permanent battleground.

The thing is, I've offered for him to stop his music and he doesn't want to! He just can't be bothered practicing!

It's the other behaviour that I really need help with tbh.

OK, I have a 10 yo DS and was recently experiencing the same kind of behaviour. I'm a big follower of the book "How to Talk etc" so sat down with DS and discussed my biggest issue, which was his rudeness. I stated I was happy to continue ferrying him around, paying for activities and (crucially) increasing his freedom but his side of the deal was an increase in maturity and responsibility and a vast improvement in the way he speaks to everyone in the house, but especially me and DH.

Re the music, I would say he either does it and practices or gives up. No middle ground otherwise it's a waste of money tbh.