Please or to access all these features

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

very bad behaviour in 5 year old, not sure what to do.

7 replies

morninggirl · 11/11/2009 16:13

i hope it's okay to post this in this part of the forum.

my son (who's 5 and a few months and is in Year 1) is having very bad behavioural problems. and it's causing me and his father (whom i am separated from and living apart from civilly for over a year now).

(as most of you guys will know, talking about your own childs issues is very hard, so i hope it get my point across.)

the school (his teacher, teaching assistant and head teacher) have all brought this to our attention thru a few meetings already. he (our son) is being very disruptive in the classroom (shouting out, throwing things that hit other children, hitting other children (unprovoked), not listening, refusing to do his work, being disruptive and loud during assembly and lunch times...)
while the behaviour is not everyday, it is pretty much one thing or another everyday. we have with the teachers a daily book where they are recording his behaviour during the day, either good or naughty.

we have about 4 weeks ago agreed and signed a consent form for someone from an outside agency come into the classroom and evalute our son, but we've been told this can be up to a 6 week or so wait before someone actually does this.

in the meanwhile, the frayed ends of sanity of becoming more and more frayed on everyone's ends.

in addition to this naughty behaviour, he (our son) has started to bed wet almost nightly whereas before he was dry for long stretches at a time.

while we (me and his dad) are waiting for this evalution to take place, we will be having yet another meeting with the school tomorrow afterschool to see what we can do in the meantime, but the impression i highly get is that the school is feeling a bit helpless as to what TO do.

at home, our son, while has bouts of tantrums and naughtiness, it is nothing like he is acting like at school. but it seems that he isn't bothered if he is told he will lose XYZ privalege is he does this or doesn't do that. he's gotten into saying he doesn't care a lot, that he wants to hurt people, he wants to make people mad or sad.
this puts me at my wits end, as both myself and my ex are loving parents who do not spank or smack him, we've both been believers of positive parenting and praising the good, etc etc etc.

i know this has been long and i'm thankful if anyone takes the time to read it and to anyone who can offer a kind word or some advice. i'm feeling very battleworn as a mother and it is very difficult right now to support my son when i don't even know what is causing his behaviour. it is definitely NOT normal naughty 5 year old stuff.

anyway. thank you in advance.

OP posts:
tulipe · 11/11/2009 21:28

I was going to write about my 6 year old difficulties, but surely I can spare a minute for your very difficult situation.
Big Hug!
I am wondering about your separation. Your DS says he wants to hurt people, he wants to make people mad or sad.
Maybe he his very hurt and does not want to talk to you or your ex-dp about it because he does not want take sides. Seems like needs to get it out of his system, he might benefit from talking about it. How about having a go at counselling or therapy. Talking can be very powerful (worked for me). Sounds like you have nothing to loose and sometimes once already makes a difference.(free if you ask gp).
Check BACP for tips on finding sby who is really good.
Good luck.

morninggirl · 11/11/2009 21:35

thank you so much for responding. it means a lot to me. :hugs:

my ex and i met up tonight at mine and talked about options and he is going to look into private options for having our son looked at, as this one that the school is setting up just will take a long time and if there is something wrong with him, we want to start to help him now.
we even thought about some sort of therapy for him if we could find someone (which i'm sure we can. my ex is going to ask his GP for advice this week.)

thank you

OP posts:
TheLadyEvenstar · 11/11/2009 22:14

TBH it sounds like he is venting his anger and frustrations on people because he doesn't know what else to do.

For example Daddy has moved out so if he plays up for mummy will she go as well?

If he plays up for daddy will daddy ever come and see him again.

dreamteamgirl · 11/11/2009 23:40

I think ladyevenstar could be right about him pushing boundaries to see what happens

Have you tried chatting to him about why he feels so cross?

And have you had him physically checked out for a physical reason of why he is acting out? Especially witht he combined wetting.

I read a book a while back called 'how to talk so children lsiten and listen so children talk' It had lots of useful tips in it and might give you some ideas
I use it to validate when DS is really cross with 'It must make you really cross when you have to go home when you are having so much fun- I bet thats frustrating?' following up with thinsg like 'When would you like to come back here?'
It deosnt always work but sometimes it distracts him

Good luck, you do sound very worn down by it all

isittooearlyforgin · 12/11/2009 00:37

somtimes it can be hard when children get into a spiral of negative behaviour they can see themselves as 'bad' if they are told enough they are (thinking school rather than you) Think positivity (along with strategies) can work wonders. agree also with dreamteamgirl. good luck x

TheLadyEvenstar · 12/11/2009 09:58

Just a tiny bit of advice.

If you look through MN you will find far too many posts from myself focusing on the bad points of DS1. His behaviour cn be the pits but by the same token it can be brilliant.

It is so easy to focus on the bad bits that you forget under that behaviour is still your DC. You forget that in many ways they are the product of their environment.

DS1 was constantly wanting more attention than was possible to give him...but we have had a breakthrough in the last week or so. When he has done something wrong I have ignored it. I have also tried a different technique, for example I asked him 10 times on saturday to pick up his pj's from the floor. After the third time I explained that each time I had to ask him he would lose something.

In the end I took 7 toys away, I had had to ask him 7 more times so the result was 7 toys gone. II put them straight in the bin...I did later take them out as he earnt them back by doing the things he was asked to.

I know it is simple but it did work.

Please don't label him a "Naughty boy" because you will instill that in him and he will see no point in being anything but that.

I have a few years of doing this to undo....and it is hard work.

morninggirl · 13/11/2009 17:28

well, me and my ex have been separated and living apart since Sept 2008, i was the one who moved out; while i'm not discounting that some of this could be a delayed reaction to the separation, it would be, imo, foolish to think it is the ONLY reason why his behaviour is so horrible

a meeting with his teacher yesterday proved okay, they focused on some of our son's positive aspects, but it was mutually agreed that his behaviour has and is getting worse.
and today, yet again, they spoke to me afterschool that he (my son) pushed a girl at lunchtime and kicked one of the dinner ladies.

it is becoming very clear that he is not able to cope with change, and we are very unsure how to help him while keeping our cool (which we do surprisingly well, but yes, this is wearing me down very quickly as i have no local support network other than my ex, all my family live back in the states.)

we have tried talking to him (we, meaning me and my ex) and he just doesn't want to talk about it, refuses to, etc. he has an appt. on nov 24th to see the doctor where all these issues will be discussed. as the bedwetting is distressing to him as well, and very tiresome for us to be changing bedding every morning anymore. we have cut his liquid intake down in the evening, yet it makes no difference.

i am doing my best to think positively, but having no strategies at hand is making me very useless as a mother. i really just don't know what to do :/

we (me and my ex again) have done everything we can to never label our son as 'bad' or 'naughty' its the behaviour that is. but whether or not, he sees himself or believes he is a bad kid, i don't know

i am trying to focus on the positive, but at this moment in time, the negative in ds's behaviour outweighs the positive. he's lost a speaking part in the school xmas play because of his naughtiness at school i dread picking him up everyday. and worse, all but one of the school mums have shunned me/us.

we are looking into some sort of therapist for him, a specialist for child behaviour because without any sort of professional help we worry this will only get worse. his teacher told me today he doesn't think that he (our son) can handle a full day at school as the mornings are usually when ds behaves the best and come lunch time, and the afternoon is when the unfavourable acting up starts.

i'm hanging onto my wits end, but just barely these days.

thanks to you all who responded, it does mean a lot to know that someone is willing to take the time and read and offer some kind words.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page