please help me with ds's behaviour its getting out of control and i don't know what to do

[AwayWithTheFaries]

this may be a bit long!
ds is 4.7 years old and started school in September

where to start

he started playgroup last Easter and we had issues with him hurting other children, hitting, biting, kicking ect this started a few months in after starting playgroup and was stopping not long before he left and he never played with the other children played alongside them and their sen co said that there is something wrong with him

during the summer holidays he turned into a little toad!
biting, hitting, kicking his dad and me and having strops over anything and everything stopped doing it to me but still does it to his dad and the strops have mostly stopped

hes doing well at school its lunchtimes hes hitting, punching and kicking the other children

iv spoken to his teachers and we don't thing he does it to hurt them delibertery we think its his way of communicating, his way of asking the other kids to play but he doesn't understand iykwim he says sorry as soon as he hurts someone and he tell me hes hurt people but he cant tell me why its as if he doesn't know why hes doing it

hes had two lots of speech therapy as he has delayed speech and hes being referred back to the pead, we saw one a about 2 1/2 years ago due to the delayed speech and they said he was fine just a bit behind

his attention and listening has always been bad too but is getting better and his speech has come on leaps and bounds

one of his teachers after him having lunch at school for all of 3 days said to me that he will have to go home for lunch and i said well lets give it more time and today she said he had a bad lunchtime and again said that he will have to go home for lunch
but its not really a option as its a 20min walk there and back and i know ds will not want to either leave or go back

the school have talked about doing a reward chart with him but haven't yet

i bought ds some sticker books one pirates and one diggers for them to reward him with

I'm not ruling out adhd of something as my dad has asperger's and my sister has learning difficulties and his dad is dyslexic

sorry that was long and i hope it makes sense!

I think you need some serious help, have a
discussion with the school and develop a strategy to try to solve the problem. Sending him home for lunch isn't going to solve anything, it's just going to avoid him hitting other children but he will do it again if he has the opportunity. What do you do if he hurts a child? What does the school do? a reward chart is a good idea but on its own it's not enough. How do you tell him off?

How is his general behaviour at home when you dress him? Going to bed?

hes really good for me 90% of the time just the normal 4yo stuff but he does play up for his dads attention
the school make him say sorry and have timed him out in the first aid room be back after dinner

Is he being disciplined when he hits? he needs to understand that kicking/hitting is not acceptable, that nobody will put up with it. He needs to be told 'no' very firmly, and put in time out as soon as he hits and every time he hits (or whatever discipline you choose. Does he have brothers/sisters or friends that he plays with? Everyone has their own method of disciplining their child that's up to you, but you have to be firm and consistent.

when he plays up at home he gets a warning then put into his room
i think the dinner ladies tell him off
im thinking of going up to the school and watching him to see if its really as bad as they make out

his teacher said again about him coming home for lunch and again i said its not really a option

I think that going to school for his lunch would be a good idea, alhough he might not behave the same way if you are there. If I was you, I would take this very seriously, and go for lunch all week, and show him how to behave well with other children there, with the school permission of course.

I don't think that the school would make up stories about this. If didn't think it was a serious problem they wouldn't ask you to take him back home for lunch.

You say that the Senco at nursery said there was something wrong with him. Has that ever been followed up (I mean by an assessment by a developmental pediatrician, for example)? If not, then I think you may want to consider this - it may be "just" his language delays causing a problem but it would be as well to be sure about this.

I think observing him would be a good idea, esp if you can work out what is triggering these incidents. Maybe he is not sure how to join in, or gets frustrated if the game does not go his way or possibly he is being teased in some way to goad him into a reaction?

hi i had a chat with a friend today who works in a nursery and has had lots of various problems with her 2 boys shes suggested cutting out all chocolate and sweets, and junk, monitoring the amount of TV he watches and giving him omega 3 multi vits
and said he might be struggling with the 60 odd children in such a small play area and it is quite small
and im asking for him to see a behaviour liaison officer
and dp wants me to arrange a meeting with the school so we can try to sort things out
wb the senco didn't say
i think hes just behind with his social skills and needs to be taught how to interact with the children properly