dd 2.3 had me in tears today.

[ilovetochat]

the day started badly with me offering cereal or toast, being ignored, so giving her cereal, then she wanted toast
telling her to hurry and eat so we could go out, she was taking her time.
trying to get her dressed she kept running off and ended up shutting her in the bedroom with me and dressing her while she cried.
just as we are going out she wants a poo, so she sits there doing nothing and smiling but when i tried to get her off the toilet she says poo and i dont want her to poo herself so she gets to sit there and make us late. in the end i shouted at her to poo or get off the toilet and she got off but was crying again. i feel like she ignores me till i shout then she does as asked but while crying which is not how i want us to communicate
after class, dinner and a sleep i had to wake her up as she had 2 hours and i didnt want bedtime ruined. she said she didnt like me, wanted daddy, and when i said daddy is still at work she said mommy work and daddy stay home
the final straw was daddy coming home only to say he had to go back to work and dd clinging to him and when i took her she said she didnt like mommy and she is daddys baby.
i ended up crying, i felt like walking out and leaving them to it.
as i put her to bed tonight she did the toilet trick again and i ended up shuting her in the bathroom till she admitted she didnt want a poo so even the end of the day is awful.
i do everything for her and she ignores me, shouts in my face, says she doesnt like me and only ever wants daddy.
what am i doing wrong?

If it's any consolation, we're coming out of a very similar sounding situation, ilovetochat. My DD is 2.1 and over the last 6 months the tantrums have got gradually worse, including biting, headbutting, hitting, kicking, screaming, the whole works. It got to the stage where I was dreading the weekends because it was just shouting the whole time, either me at DD or DH and I...

I eventually spoke to my health visitor about a month ago, as I'm pregnant and due another baby on 8th November (decided on before the terrible twos started!). I was panicking that the violent temper tantrums would be taken out on the baby or that the baby would grow up in an unhappy, unsettled environment. She arranged for a nursery nurse to see us and she has been a fantastic support. She helped us with coping techniques for the tantrums, other methods rather than shouting, how to avoid giving attention to bad behaviour whilst praising the slightest little thing (even like "what pretty hair you have") to make her see that the bad behaviour was getting her nowhere. Most of the methods she suggested to us have been posted by others above so I won't repeat them.

Crucially, she got us to see things from DD's point of view, eg, that she has no concept of time whatsoever, that by throwing tantrums and us shouting is attention, no matter that it's negative etc. It was hard changing our mindset but we have managed it and now although DD still has tantrums, we've gone from honestly over 20 a day (and I'm talking biggies!) to one 1 or 2 short-lived ones max, if at all. If you feel like you can't see a way through it, please seek help like we did - it's the best thing we could have done. I hope things get better for you soon.

tbh dd has her 26 month check next week and i feel like telling the hv that im struggling and dont know how to dewal with dd.
i need to stop the attention of shouting.
i need to remember she is 2.
i need to remember im an adult.
thank you all for sharing your stories and letting me know im not the only one.
im a sahm so feel its my job to get it right and feel a failure for getting it so wrong.
dd has tantrums where she bites and kicks and screams till she chokes herself but what really gets to me is the constant crying and whinging and whining.
me and dp have had a chat and agree we are different in our parenting approaches but both want whats best for dd and for us and we are going to try and be united and stop shouting and work together.
heres hoping for a better day tomorrow.

Hi there
must admit I used to shout far too much when dd was that age

Agree with those who said let her choose what to wear. I still do that now, pretty much, sometimes looks bizarre, but hey.

Also what i used to do if she was refusing to get ready for music class/toddler group/friends, whatever was to pretend to phone the lady who ran it and have a conversation where i'd be saying 'sorry we can't come today because dd isn't getting ready...oh looks like she's getting going now'

That used to work well at that age.

well friday is normally terrible as im ready to explode by the end of the week and dd wont get ready for gymtots.
but this morning i kept calm and gave dd no choice of breakfast and just left her to eat what she wanted and then got her dressed, she refused to come to me so i counted to 3 and then carried her in and got her dressed no problem.
she was a bit whingy at gym so i told her i would take her home then and she snapped out of it.
ive ignored all minor things.
then the hv came and did her check (3 days early but never mind) and was really pleased with her and said some lovely things and made me feel lots better. i couldnt tell her how dd plays up as dd was good as gold and what she said put things into perspective.

Hi ilovetochat. You've had plenty of ideas from everyone but just wanted to add (again!) that you are not alone, it is SUCH an annoying stage before they will understand reason, feels like you spend all day trying to persuade them to do things within a tight time frame (which as others have pointed out is an adult one as they don't understand any need to rush).

Just wanted to recommend a book called Toddler Taming which I read recently, which has some really good tips and like mumsnet basically reassures you that you just have a toddler on your hands and not a little monster.

Good luck!

thanks for all the support, i think ive read that one, obviously not well enough eh

Hi (again) ilovetochat... something I've just read that you put was about how Fridays are normally terrible? Yer, I'm TOTALLY with you there. Friday's ARE terrible, usually not because DS1 is being anymore testing than he can be, but because I'm knackered come the end of the week.

I find when I'm tired, he seems far more unmanageable.

And what's worse is that when I step back, and try to see it from his perspective, I'm the one over-reacting. He is, after all, just 2.

This is one of the things that makes me understand why some of my friends choose to go out to work! They openly admit it's easier!

hi shakey, yes when im tired, ill, pmt (this is the main culprit) then i cant cope with dd.
but i know thats my problem, as you say she is just 2.
every so often i need a kick up the bum and then i start again all good intentions and it slowly slides till im here again, sahm who struggles at home and struggles being a mom, good career choice eh?

I was in tears by 8:30am! DS is very teary at the moment and goes into meltdown over anything. He wanted weetabix for breakfast but DH put milk in the bowl and that was it - cue tears and sobbing - unbelievable!

ILC - our DS won't sit in his booster seat now and wants to sit like an adult - if your DD can reach the table maybe try her sitting independantly - she may just want to try and be a more grown up part of the family and thinks the high chair is too babyish? Means they can get down when they want but DS tends to behave better in his own chair.

Made me laugh because that is exactly like dd (3.1). I don't know how often she orders me out to work! Of course Daddy is wonderful and perfect; he's not there all day and when he is, he's probably not trying to do the cooking and cleaning and get everyone out of the house on time - he just has to play with her!

haven't had a chance to read everything so sorry if someone has already said this. Have you considered getting DH to do some of the 'mundane' things, like getting DD dressed in the morning? It is easy to fall into the fun parent/shouty parent pattern (certainly in our household!). It is also so tough having sole charge of a 2yo. Perhaps you could grab a moment to yourself while he sorts her out in the morning or gives her her tea. If this isn't possible on weekdays, he could get her up and put her to bed on weekends.

Since we re-organised our routine so that DH does the morning stress and I do the evening grump, things have evened out a lot and I am much less ground down.

Hiloveto
are you online atm?

sorry your having a stressful time with your dd atm, i wish i had some good advice, but my dd is a hell raiser at times

one thing i would say though is she is very advanced compared to my dd with her talking about toileting.
but i guess that can make it difficult at times too.

everyin says its just terrible twos but i suppose for us as we have no other chiildren we think oh god are they going to be like this forever
but im sure they won't

how has today been?

dd is quite small and i doubt if she could reach the table on a normal chair but i may try. she has a little table and chairs for colouring on and if i put her lunch on that she sits lovley but i like to have dinner as a family.
yes dd has a meltdown when she asks for milk, i say ok and walk to the kitchen and before i can open the fridge she is wailing why no milk why not why not like i have refused??
dp is out early and back 6pm all week but he does get up with her sundays and he baths her and tucks her in most nights, as you say his time with her he just has to play, not cook or do chores etc. i told him last night he is making me into badcop, we both agreed to change things a bit and back each other up.

hi carrie, thanks for the hug, today has been quite good, gym for 2 hours wore her out and she slept 2 hours after the hv did her 2 yr check.
she has eaten dinner at the table as she was hungry as she hardly ate any lunch. sometimes she isnt hungry as she isnt a big eater.
and she has been telling me she loves me and cuddling me which makes everything alright in my world.
i think my pmt is passing which helps.
hows your ds speech coming on now, has she had her 2 yr check yet?

glad todays been better

my dd is crying atm, fireworks woke her up mast night and she came downstairs and i think she thinks shes doing that agian onight.

we had a nice day as we went to surestart in the am only for an hour though then had a mcdonalds for lunch.

dd speech is worrying me she hasn't really improved much

she had her check and the hv said shes ok.

ilove to chat, I am so with you! I have a 2.5 year old (and a four month old) and your day sounds very similar to ours. But we have good days and bad days. i have started turning off the light in the bathroom to get my toddler out of the bath (once most of the water has drained away!) and also walked out on her at storytime last night because she was messing around so much. Try to pretend that you dont notice / dont care. The more wound up you get the more they just seem to revel in it. I know it's hard but I try to tell myself that if i was back at work I would be finding this all harder to deal with...I have nothing else to do all day except look after the kids, until maternity leave ends, then the fun really starts!

i dont know, i think its because i spend so much time with her that i find it hard sometimes, if i was at work id miss her and have less hours to fill.
i am trying to ignore unless its dangerous.

carrie, if the hv said she is ok i wouldnt worry, today she said all they look for in speech is starting to put 2 words together, dd was happy with the pink bookstart set

hi loveto, hows it going today?

DS1 wqas very like this when he was 2.4 and DS2 was just 4 months. Don't think it was in reaction to DS2 - just his age - but it was dreadful - reading your post brings it all back.

Everything was a battle and whenever we tried to leave the house he'd refuse to go - live in 2nd floor flat and he could see how the stairwell was a challenge for me so played on it. There were usually about 4-5 major tantrums a day. Friends used to have to come round to collect us before toddler groups etc cos it was so difficult to get him out.

I instigated the naughty corner, ignoring and lots of counting to ten and actually following through on the threats tactics(not violent obvioulsy - just no pudding stuff). Not an enjoyable phase but if it's any consolation, since he's hit 3, he has been a joy, so sweet and co-operative. If he's procrastinating I now only need to say 'I'm going to count to ten' and he's usually responding by the time I get to '3'.

It's just an age thing and it will pass just hang in there.

ilovetochat, sending a hug to you as I know how hard it can be. Especially the Daddy thing, its so hard when all you want to do is give them a cuddle and you are being rejected in favour of Daddy. My DD does this too but a friend said to me that the reason they act out with us is because they feel secure in their relationship and know that even if they push you away you wont actually go away so basically you have done a really good job building your relationship with your DD.

Things I have found which have worked are:
When asking DD to do something, get down to her level close to her face but not in her face IYKWIM and ask her in a firm voice to do it, seems to work for the moment at least, not always straight away but she definite doesn't ignore me.

For her delaying tactics could you try and build these things into your schedule, ie if you need to be out of the house for 9.30, in your mind aim for 9.10 knowing that she is going to ask for the toilet etc so that it just becomes part of your routine and your own expectations and therefore hopefully you wont find it so stressful

i am ignoring bad behaviour, leaving her on the toilet to get on with it so she gets less attention for it and if she doesnt come when i call her i count to 3 hen pick her up and take her where i want her. so far so good.
last night we went to a bonfire and she was good as gold, although when a few people talked to her she replied with "i want a poopoo" but we ignored it.
today we have been to remeberance service and again she tried shouting "i want a poopoo" but we said she would be taken home if she didnt stop and she stopped.
she sat at the tabel for dinner, no fuss and ate everything
im giving less choices but letting her help loads, she puts teabags in cups, spreads sandwiches and puts the meat/cheese on, pours her milk and she loves helping.

sounds like your getting there loveto

whats it like there today? its raining here

pouring, yuck.
my mom has been round and dd has just gone to sleep, she has a chesty cough and cold .

aww, hows the little lamb now? horrible when there ill.
dh has got that atm.

she is still awake, keeps coughing and choking and her chest sounds terrible, almost wheezy.
hows your dd?