At wit's end with ds - he has a reputation as "the boy who bites".

[TAFKAAAAAARGHtheUrbanDryad]

Ds is 3 in Jan, and has a really bad biting problem. He bites anyone and everyone, me, his baby sister, his friends, dh - literally everyone. The other week I had to remove him from a soft play party because he bit 3 children (2 of them complete strangers), I smacked his leg - after warning him that I would - after he bit baby dd yesterday. Today we were having a really good day, so I took him to the park to meet my friend and her dd, who's the same age. I had my back turned for a minute (if that) while feeding dd and he attacked my friend's dd and bit her so hard that she is bleeding.

I just don't know what to do anymore - I have tried biting him back, smacking, ignoring and giving the injured party the attention, time out, taking toys away, removing privileges, reward charts. Everything.

He also kicks, bites, spits, hits - his behaviour is just vile, to be honest.

You know you see those threads on here about the horrible child who attacks other children for no reason whatsoever, the "little shit", well that's ds. Parents tell their kids not to play with him because he's so awful to other children.

I am at a loss. I am struggling to think of a single redeeming feature that he has. Even I don't like him anymore, and he's my son.

Another thing that was good with my DS was telling him often that he was a good boy and at the end of each day saying 3 or 4 things about why I thought he was a good boy that day, like he bought his plate out to the kitchen or shared a toy or something. I started it because out of the blue he said to me 'I'm a naughty boy, aren't I mummy' It made me realise how many of our words to him were telling off ones.

UD - you know that I feel your pain as we have gone through something similar with our DS.

He still does nip me every now and then, and even though I am pretty sure its his way of being affectionate he gets a big telling off.

I usually shove his own hand into his mouth, saying "No biting me, biting people is wrong. You want to bite? You bite yourself!" Then he will start to cry saying he doesn't want to bite himself etc etc.

Anyway.

The worst part I have with him is that I feel myself flinch if comes towards me open mouthed, and alot of the time he just wants a cuddle or a kiss, but I think he is about to bite me. Which is awful. I am sure he is the re-incarnation of my extremely bitey west highland terrier who died about 10 years ago!

I know we do not live close in distance at all, but if you do meet up, I will have no qualms about my DS playing with yours, as if he gets bitten it would be karma as he has bitten so many children at nursery.

I hope he gets better soon.

If its any consolation, I have been in tears in public playgrounds with him for doing this. But I have found that a really really strict time out strapped into his buggy regime has helped alot. Empty threats don't wash with him. Immediately as he has done something physical to someone (at the moment, body slamming is a favourite) than, bang. He is on time out.

Best of luck xxx

Tafkaaa My sympathies. I have 2 boys, one of whom got bitten quite a lot by his best friend, the other one who used to bite and push any child that moved for a while. (they are 9 and 6 now)

I know which I found hardest to deal with, emotionally. When I only had DS1 I'll admit I felt a little smug - no child of MINE would bite ! Ha !!

I too worried a lot about everyone disliking him . He was worst in exciting places like parks and soft play, and for a while I spent all my time intercepting, or apologising.

BUT, it will pass, and more quickly if you try very hard to take some of the emotion and heat out of the situation. The sort of non-sensical biting you describe is, I think, often an attempt from the child to make contact (extremely cack-handedly) with another child. My DS2 is much more sociable and outgoing.

Try not to react too emotionally as this will reward him with attention -I know it is tempting to shout and shriek so that witnesses see that you are doing something, but try to remain calm, firm, apologise, keep your voice low-pitched, and remove him. Go home if necessary, and avoid situations where he's likely to do it for a while, as others have said.

This will pass, and become a distant (shudder) memory.

I know how you feel. I have a very tough and boisterous son who is 27 months old. His behaviour is so so trying - I often feel at my wits end. He can be so loving, but after a tough day when I have had a lot of those looks from my "friends" I sometimes forget he is only 2. I keep saying its just a phase, but it's so tough.

I am going to try the 10 minutes thing. Sounds a good idea.

Take care
XXXX

My misery has just been compounded by the rogue apostrophe I just spotted in the thread title.

Thanks for all your posts, will read and post more tomorrow.

Well my friend's LO (just 2) bites - and has bitten both of my DC as well as his parents - but I am not planning on stopping being friends with her or stopping my DC playing with hers. She consistently comes down hard on him for doing it (time out and stern talking to) and I know (as does she, when not excessively sleep deprived and fed up to the back teeth of having to watch him every second and apologise on his behalf) that he will grow out of it. My DD (3) bears no grudges against him for biting, kicking, or any of the other things he has done to her - because she sees and knows that he gets told off for it, and he is always made to apologise to her.

OTOH, there is a family at school whose DC have both bitten without apparent consequences from parents. Now them I don't want playing with my DC, but there is a lot more to that one than just biting....

Yes, speaking as the mother of a biter and a "bitee", you do want the parents of the biter to say sorry in such a way that acknowledges how bloody painful it is to be bitten.

DS1 never bore a grudge towards his bessie mate who used to bite him, and nor did I because I saw his mum doing the best to discipline him.

My friend's DD went through a horrible stage between the age of 2 and 3. She would bite, scratch faces (DS has two large scars on his cheek ) pull hair etc. She regularly attacked random children at soft play. At the time it was really hard, obviously I was not happy at seeing my DS being attacked, and DH wanted us to stop seeing her to protect DS. But I could see my friend applying consistent discipline to the situation and I respected her for that. (She used time out and would also just leave social settings like soft play/coffee at a friends/the park as soon as an incident occurred). And now aged 3.5 her DD is beautifully behaved. Like everyone else says it is just a phase and you will get through it.

And another thing - does your DS ever play with slightly older children?? My friend's little girl met her match at a playdate with a 4 year old who also had older brothers. She went to bite and he punched her very hard in the hest. I'm not condoning this but it was the first time another child had stood up to her and it made an impression.

chest not hest

ten minutes is also what was recommended by speech therapist for DS who doesn't speak at 2.5 yo.

I just think that you need to think of a 'strategy' for example

• split the day in 5 parts - wake-up until snack, snack until lunch, lunch until snack, snack until tea, tea until bedtime. Do a pizza-style chart on the wall with the 5 different 'slices', and each time he has not bitten and behaved OK, stick a huge star on it. If he manages half a day without biting, have a 'pretend' party with party hats, a couple of sweets, some music, loads of cheering, etc. Really go over the top. If he manages a day without biting, give him a new toy car or something that he would like (a cheap one, obviously!).

• Try this 'strategy' for 5 days and really stick to it, then introduce a play date and see how it goes.

Or any strategy that you think would fit him. Simple star charts don't work well with my boys because they are too abstract - but a pizza-style chart with specific time, specific milestones, and a specific goal works better. The party idea is someone that really helped DS get over a phase of pushing his brother, and it worked a treat.

Hi, if he bites or hits again, pick him up so he's the same height as you and say NO BITE. Then shut him out of the room you're in with the other children. You may need to recruit a friend for this. He'll basically scream and shout outisde the door but you need to keep it shut. After a couple of miniutes, open the door and say " do you understand - no bite and no hit".
He will either come in and be well behaved or bite/hit again. If he does bite/hit then go through the same motions again.
Rewarding the positives also helps, making a real fuss of him if he's playing nicely works wonders.

I did the 10 mins thing yesterday and we had such a lovely time together. It made me realise what fun he can be and how lovely he truely is! Even though when he was rough later, it made me have more perspective about it. Would definitely recommend it. Going to do it again today.

Hi have been there and have the t-shirt do not worry. It will all go away and when your child is still friends with the recipient of your son and they are behaving impeccably they will forget all about his biting and will be apologising to you in later years - I know

You've tried biting him back, smacking, ignoring and giving the injured party the attention, time out, taking toys away, removing privileges, reward charts. Everything. Honestly try Unconditonal Parenting. Get Alfie Kohn's book from the library and try it.

You say he does it for no reason. It sounds as though he has poor impulse control. It gets better as they get older.

With punishment and all the other things you've tried it requires him to think and remember the punishment or the fact he will get a sticker if he isn't naughty. When they have poor impulse control they don't think. So they aren't going to remember any previous experiences and will just do it anyway.

Your best bet is distraction and avoidance. If you take him to the park, soft play, someone's house or wherever stick to him like glue. Do not take your eyes off him. If your DD is already mobile then this may be easier said than done though. If you see him about to lash out say be kind, gentle, nice or whatever, allow him to stroke the person if they are happy for him to do so and guide him to something else. DS also has a special toy (a rubber light up ball with knobbly bits on) that he keeps in his pocket. Every time he attempts to hurt somebody and I manage to stop it the toy comes out so he can mess with that and it keeps his hands occupied.

Sympathy to you.

You need to try one thing and stick to it, and cut down the opportunities for him to misbehave however you think best. This may mean reducing his contact with other children for a while, it won't do him any harm.

Is there an area of his behaviour that you have improved, and if so, how did you do it?

If not, get some advice on strategies via your health visitor. This sounds like a situation that could go too far if you don't do something now. (As I'm sure you know - sorry)

Oh and splitting the day up into 3 as well and making sure he gets 10 minutes of undivided attention from you doing whatever he wants (within reason)

We do from waking up to lunch time, lunch time until dinner time and then dinner time until bed. Typically we do floor play when he wakes up, drawing, building or chasing him around outside or throwing him around in the air in the afternoon and then a story and cuddles before bed.

HI everyone, sorry I haven't been back to this thread, have been MNing on my iphone which doesn't lend itself to long posts.

Yesterday I took him to the osteopaths, as a last ditch attempt at getting some help (the HV, so far, has been bloody useless, not returning my calls, hanging up on me, ignoring me in the clinic - have got someone coming Tuesday but not holding out too much hope that they'll even show up tbh) and it did seem to help. He was much, much calmer, we had a lovely day. Dd fell asleep in the pram so we went out for a pizza lunch and had a lovely chat, he was impeccably behaved - whether that was down to the osteopathy, the undivided attention from me, or the pizza i don't know, but i'm not knocking it! - and then went on to have a lovely afternoon at playschool.

We have had a more structured week this week - he has been back at playschool, who have been brilliant with him, his keyworker has been spending the whole time with him, helping him share, helping him to take turns etc - and haven't seen any other children apart from there. I've also been making a real effort to spend more one on one time with him, which - if nothing else - has helped me to remember what a delightful little boy he really is.

Arse, that's dd awake. Will try and pop back on later.

Thanks again, everyone, for your input. It has really helped.

PS: nappyaddict - I've read Alfie Kohn but didn't find it massively helpful tbh. Am currently looking at "What Every Parent Needs To Know" by Margot Sunderland, which talks a lot about brain chemistry and what I can reasonably expect of him at this age.

I think I do expect too much of him, I forget that he is not even 3 yet - he seems so enormous next to baby dd, and he is extremely articulate and bright (proud mama moment) that I treat him more like a 4-5 year old than a toddler. Something else I have to work on, I think.

I am experiencing the same thing, although I haven't hit or bitten back yet, but I'm sometimes tempted. When I am tempted I walk away (if at home) and if in social circumstances remove him and take him home.

It becomes so disheartening when they behave like this but I think they pick up on stress and anxiety which makes matters worse.

Try and keep ds at nursery because this gives you time to yourself (I presume) is there any other support for you, family, friends?

Please do not get yourself in to such a state, this is the first time I have posted a thread and for me it's reassurance "you are not alone".

I probably haven't been much use, but keep talking and we can share experiences and solutions maybe?

claire Don't know if you've read the rest of the thread but if you look at my posts of 14:06 and 14:17 those are my strategies for dealing with biting/pushing/hitting/pinching/scratching. The only thing he doesn't yet do is kick

UPDATE!

Took ds to a cranial osteopath last Thursday and the change in his behaviour has been nothing short of miraculous! He is calmer, listens to me, hasn't bitten anyone for a whole week (although we had a hitting incident yesterday, but there were mitigating circumstances!) and doesn't even retaliate when he is bitten.

Whether it's the actual osteopathy, or whether it's a placebo effect meaning I'm less stressed, so he's calmer, i don't know but I'm not going to knock it.

He got a sticker today at playschool for being a kind and helpful boy. I'm so, so proud.

Yay.
Great to hear things are improving. Well done to ds for being a kind and helpful boy.