Other mothers at the school gates

[jmb1964]

Our ds1 has been diagnosed with Aspergers recently, and the main problem has been his difficulty in 'fitting in' at school. He still has quite outrageous tantrums, and can be quite physically and verbally aggressive sometimes. BUT, the school is doing its best, he's in a supervised lunch club and is monitored quite closely at playtimes.
However, I have been ambushed by other boys' mothers twice in the last week, both complaining about incidents involving their ds's. On the first occasion I know somethng did happen, but today I'm not at all sure - his teacher said he'd had a great day today, and he says he didn't touch the child. But B's mother says he was punched in the face by my ds and has a bruised cheek. She told my ds off in the playgound before coming over to have a go at me about it. I said something about ds1 having some communication and social problems, I was sorry her son was hurt etc. Ds1 very upset and angry - refused to speak to me or anyone else for an hour or so - and I felt pretty wretched too. Am I being paranoid, or do they all hate us? I have a feeling that this sort of thing might continue to happen, so.... does anyone have any coping strategies?

Every mother I know with an AS or high functioning child tells the same story I'm afraid. Some of the behaviour I've heard of (from the other mother's) is absolutely appalling!

I agree with maryz- explain that he has AS

Sometimes I'm actually pleased that my DS1 can't talk as I don't tend to get into these scrapes with other Mothers!

jmb1964, I too am appalled to read of the other children's parent's behaviour - but don't be too harsh on yourself, I think I too would have done exactly as you did if I had been ambushed by another child's parent.

Sadly, it looks like these won't rare occurrences but at least you will now have a strategy in place on how you want to deal with things rather than horrible parent having a go at your ds and you. FWIW, I think maryz's advice sounds great but it would take me a while not to react instantly.

Hope you find more supportive parents too.

I think it's true that other children can be quite protective as well. Sometimes I bump into other children from D1's nursery in Sainsbury's - and they always expain to their parents "A can't talk". The know what he doesn't like as well- and look out for him. IME other children are generally brilliant. You get the odd one who doesn't really know how to deal with DS1, but most are fantastic, so Maryz's idea of giving the children some idea of his problems may help.

Echo others comments on the inappropriateness and insensitivity demonstrated by other mothers. Maryz's advice seems excellent.

Not the same at all but I was left feeling completely shocked recently on an aeroplane when a man turned around and shouted very loudly and aggressively at my son for kicking the back of his seat. We had literally only been in our seats for 5 minutes and I hadn't even noticed that he had done it. DS was extremely upset by the shouting and the end result was a more difficult flight for everyone than if the man had spoken calmly and politely to me about it first.

I too have been in situations when an adult bypasses me and tells off my children direct. Sometimes it's OK with me, depends on the situation and the adult.

However if I'm pretty sure my child didn't do the alledged thing, or it happened at school and I hear about it in the playground, I feel instinctively uneasy about extracting a sorry out of my child there and then. I think it's really important to get your child's side of the story and I don't want onlookers around when I do this.

If I feel the least bit doubtful I always say to the adult, thank you for telling me this, we will sort it out at home. What I hate are the long looks of disapproval that can follow.

jmb1964 could you not ask the school to build in a social interaction / circle time within his supported time from a teaching assistant, this way children within his class can have his needs explained to them and to get to understand his needs and at the same time allow all the children within the small group build up a friendship with your ds. I don't know if this would be possible at school but maybe it's worth asking, I know a lot of schools do it around where i live.

Thanks everyone for all your comments - it's heartening to know these things have happened to other people too, and that my shock at this other woman telling off my son wasn't misplaced. The next day the teacher confirmed she knew nothing of the supposed incident, and, like your son, maryz, ds1 is always pretty honest.
I think finding a way of telling other people he has problems without them thinking he's some sort of weirdo is our next challenge. Dh doesn't like to talk about a 'communication problem' because he thinks communication just means other people being able to understand what you say (but then he's a bit that way himself..), and the problem with saying Aspergers syndrome is that most people don't know what it means - 'is it something he'll grow out of then?'
Having said that, the few friendly parents I have chosen to talk to about it have been sympathetic and interested. It's the ones I don't particularly want to tell who are the problem!
Ds1 had a friend round after school today, and the visit was really successful, so there's room for more of that sort of thing to help him have some allies at school. Then this evening we went to watch his big sister in her ballet show - 'that boy looks like a tomgirl to me' he said at one point, rather too loudly. Can't see ballet being his thing somehow..

This may be a strange suggestion but could you print some leaflets saying "My son has Aspergers. This means he has difficulties doing A B C... it does not mean X Y Z" This may help educate to other parents and save you explaining the same thing over and over. Is there a way which makes explaining it to a child easier too so the parent can help their child understand why a child with Aspergers behaves differently to them?

I have absolutely no idea what Aspergers is and it would therefore not be my first assumption if I saw a child behaving "badly" (IYSWIM). From things I've picked up on Mumsnet I'm getting better at giving "badly behaved" children the benefit of the doubt.

When I say "badly", it's just because I can't think of how to put it! I hope you know what I mean.

Good idea Soupdragon. Didn't jimjams says she had some of those for her son, who's autistic? Jmb1964, might be a thought so you don't get completely sick of trying to explain. My sympathy too, the other mothers sound unreasonable. I wouldn't tell anyone else's child off unless I actually saw what happened and I certainly wouldn't 'have a go' at the parent either. Good luck with this.

jmb- you can get little cards from the National Autistic Society. They are business card sized and look official! Could be idea for this sort of situation- then you don't have to explain! Give the card and run. I've never used them but I suspect I will have to as DS1 gets older.

Dinosaur- something just stuck me about that- does your ds1 have trouble recognising faces?

I've been feeling quite relaxed about the hitting stuff because DS1 has only ever hit adults- never children...... until.....last Friday -agghhhh!

The sad thing is he was hitting them saying"an an" which means no. He does it to dh thinking it is a great joke- so he was probably trying to interact. Obviously we'll have to stamp on it-and have when it comes to doing it to dh- but I do hope it doesn't put him off finding more suitable ways of playing!

Thanks again for the suggestions - I think I will get some of those cards. Ds1 in trouble at school again today - hit a boy because he wouldn't tell him why he had brought a toy to school today - you're only supposed to bring things in on Fridays, for 'Golden Time'. So both sets of parents were phoned, but he didn't get sent home this time, and tells me that the other boy picked him to be his partner in some game later on, so presumably there weren't any hard feelings.
Ds1 isn't too good at faces either, he tends to remember people by their clothes, school bags etc. Reminds me of when I went to West Afica as a student and had real problems learning people's names and faces.
Jimjams - 'stamp on it'? Surely not!

Maryz - thanks for a very tangible tip; I have copied and pasted your brief explanation, and am thinking of perhaps using it to produce our own little information card for people. Perhaps I could even scan in a photo of the little darling?
I think they are trying to help at school. Today there was a case conference and we met his teacher for next year, as well as two workers from the Visiting Teachers Support Service, who have been with ds1 in class for one or two sessions a week recently. They seem to have lots of good ideas for his class teacher, who isn't very experienced, but next year's is older and has taught a child with similar problems before, so we are optimistic about her.

We still don't know whether the hoped for full-time classroom assistant will materialise or not - long bureaucratic delays at Edinburgh Council (we don't have LEA's here). It's looking as if we might have to push for a Record of Needs, but at the moment the Ed Psych doesn't think we should. Who knows? We feel very unsure about it all, and anyone we speak to seems to have a different point of view.

jmb1964, excuse me butting in, but I'm just wondering whether it's possible our children are in the same school? I'm also in Edinburgh, and my ds has Golden Time on Friday, but maybe everyone does? I can understand if you don't want to say exactly, but if you are on the South side let me know! If I am one of the "Other mothers at the school gates" then at least I could say hello (nicely, no ambushing!)

A friend of mine's ds has ADHD and autism - he was in dd's year at school for reasons similar to those you describe the school issued a letter to parents - this was mostly written by my friend but issued under the school banner. It sounds similar to the cards/notes already suggested i.e. L has ADHD and autism, he has difficulties with x, y, z etc. Saying that though when the boy that L played with every lunch time moved away, the school didn't even bother to warn my friend which she was pretty annoyed about.

I couldn't find this site, can you do a link?

Jaybee - yes, it's change that seems to upset ds1, and I seem to spend my life trying to plan ahead.
Maryz - I will be investigating these websites you recommend too. I'm sure you're right that pushing for the extra help at school is the right thing to do - one barrier is dh's embarrassment about how much attention ds1 seems to be needing. I need to get more assertive and less apologetic with the school too, suggesting things that they can do, and pointing out when things have gone avoidably wrong. Must stop feeling so GUILTY!!
Tamum - yes, you guessed it, we are Southsiders - the school is Sciennes, where are you?

Hi jmb, we're close- Bruntsfield. Hope things improve for your ds, and for you.