How do I tell my friend her sons behaviour is awful!!!

[Nancy10]

I have 3 boys and so does my friend. They are all similar ages. The trouble is her middle sons behaviour is horrendous! To the point where I don't like him coming over to my house and I feel now it will start to affect our friendship. He is 5 and in yr 1 of school(same class as one of my children.) He can be really spiteful, pushes children over, bites, punches, shouts. He now has a bit of a reputation in the school for being a bully. Don't get me wrong he's not like this all of the time but it has a long lasting affect on everyone. When they come over he can be really rough with my childrens toys and his mum just panders to him. I think to avoid confrontation. My children have their toys taken away if they don't look after them and are told off. The worst thing of all is I feel their eldest son cops it. If he's naughty or upsets his brother (the naughty one)they really lay into him, yet he's nowheres near as bad as his brother. When he comes over on his own without parents he is not as bad. His mum is always making excuses for his behaviour eg tired, upset because his brothers have done something and he hasn't, he's got a cold etc. It's now got to the point where people aren't inviting him to tea, parties etc. I don't think its necessarily just because of his behaviour but more the way its handled. Do you think I should say something and HOW?

Maybe ask "Don't you think that you're a bit soft on X when he does ABC whereas you wouldn't let Y get away with it?" and gauge her reaction before trying to build up to whether to say any more of the rest of your thoughts.

Just do a MT search on 'Other people's naughty sons', should get loads of help there
Seriously, there is no easy way to confront this. You either stop having them round or confront it head on. Whatever you choose to say, say it tactfully and without sounding too hostile. Oh, and be prepared to lose her as a friend - Hell hath no fury like a women who's son has been criticised by another mother

I wonder if the mum knows there is a problem but is feeling inadequate and unsure how to deal with it? Perhaps she is laying into the easier eldest to demonstrate that she can be tough and is not a pushover, but perhaps she feels she can't discipline the challenging child because she's afraid of the reaction iyswim?

Could you broach the subject tactfully by asking about her and how she feels? e.g. x seems to really push you some times, that must be hard, how are you coping with this? And then offer some advice if you can - she might actually be grateful!

I think that could be the way to go nomoresleep! I don't want to offend her or fall out over it, or for her child to miss out either. She definately knows she has a problem but blames it on the fact she has just started back at work. Which it could be. But his behaviour was just as bad as before. Also her working hours coincide with school day so he's not really any the wiser that she's at work. I think i'm going to invite her round for a cuppa and mention that I'm concerned for her and him. She knows that I know there is a problem. So it wouldn't be out of the blue.

Don't say anything. My friend told me this summer she thought I needed professional help with my "naughty" ds. It broke my heart. I was trying my best, he wasn't that bad imo and I wouldn't have dreamt of commenting on her manipulative dd's who spent the whole day trying to wind ds up. I have decided to just meet with this friend without our dc's in the hope of saving our friendship

Shopping tend to agree and I also talk from experience

I would leave it too.

DS1 is fairly angelic but DS2 goes out of his way looking for trouble, being deliberately destructive etc. (not ALL the time obviously).

She's probably fed up with it too.

It's up to you whether to decide whether she is a good enough friend for you to keep seeing her, or whether you drop it for a while.

I'm with shopping. I have a lovely friend with a horrible ds the same age as one of my children. I just made excuses to see each other in the evenings without kids. I felt it was probably quite transparent, but at least we didn't fall out over it.