Should I encourage my dd to be assertive?

[sjs]

In my mind the answer to the question is obvious... but I'd love some feedback on the best way to do this. My dd is 2yrs 4 mths, she is an only child without a large family close by so she doesn't have a lot of family interaction with other kids. She interacts well at school and in social situations... she never cries but is likely to observe rather than rush in. That's my natural style too so I have no concerns there.
She has a close friend also 2, who she plays with most days. She loves playing with, asks after her constantly if she doesn't see her and cries when they are parted. Most of the time, they play well together and enjoy one another's company. However, the little friend, often hits her, pushes her and takes toys from her etc. Friends parents and nanny all react fine to this (tell her not to, remove her, encourage her etc) but dd sometimes cries, gives in, etc. I want her to learn that this is not OK for her friends to do this and as she grows up to have the confidence to fight her own battles. Also want her to know that hitting etc is not acceptable. What do you Mumsnetting experts advise? We have been thinking of teaching her to say.... "No (Friends name) don't do that..." or something similar. What do you think?

At 2years 4 months that is play school not real school in case you think I'm totally barmy...

I think that sounds like a good idea. DS1 was very much like DDs friend and so when DS2 came along 18mo later we found that we was being controlling and aggressive to his younger brother we had to do a similar thing. After all, if you don't show her that its not ok, who will ? Obviously you don't want to raise a bully but I don't think that what you are thinking about doing would cause that.

'HE' was being, not 'we was being' ! Sorry, trying to type and keep watch of DD (9mo) who is crawling around the room !

I think that sounds like a good idea. DS1 was very much like DDs friend and so when DS2 came along 18mo later we found that we was being controlling and aggressive to his younger brother we had to do a similar thing. After all, if you don't show her that its not ok, who will ? Obviously you don't want to raise a bully but I don't think that what you are thinking about doing would cause that.

Hi sjs - your post could have been from me a few months ago, when dd1 was going through something similar with her best friend. There wasn't malice behind the pushing etc - just frustration when dd1 (happy to potter along by herself) didn't want to do things her friend's way. Like you, I didn't want to encourage physical retaliation - dd2 was tiny and might have copped it! So, I did exactly as you are thinking of doing, and also encouraged playdates with different friends, and am happy to say that this worked. In fact, a few months down the line, dd1 has grown in confidence greatly and is now much more independent than her pushier friend.

All the best to you and your lovely dd. x

sjs - I've had this dilemma too, and I'm afraid I sidestepped it a bit by not seeing so much of the more assertive toddler friend.

But, when DS comes home from nursery saying things like "xx hit me", we always discuss it, and I tell him to tell xx that he doesn't like that - it's not nice, and then to 'tell a grown-up'. This was the advice that they gave at nursery - as they feel that children should stand up for themselves, but knowing that they have the backing of adults in situations where they are being badly treated and should not have to retaliate themselves to seek an equitable outcome.

The "I don't like it when you hit/snatch/whatever" also provides an immediate 'peer' rebuke to the child doing the hitting/snatching etc, so he or she is more likely to stop the behaviour.

Well... that's the theory!!

Thanks for your good advice. DD got a big clunk on the head on Tues from friend. Her parents are distraught and decided to keep her occupied at home / spend some time with her alone to see if they can settle her better. She has always been a bit more agressive (just the normal toddler pushing, snatching etc) but it has got worse lately. She has just had a new baby sister so I'm sure that's part of the problem. In the meantime, we'll work on encouraging dd to speak up and when they play together again in a few days time, hopefully things will be better.
Thanks for responding.

This is so difficult; I have a sister with a son a couple of years older than my ds, sometimes they play brilliantly, then all of a sudden my nephew will shove my son accross the room or do something else equally nasty! Its got to the point where my son (who, although is growing in confidence, does not stand up for himself) keeps asking why his cousin is pushing him and I'm always at a loss what to say!

any ideas?