Help....I hit my 4 yr old DS in pure frustration.

[wickedmummy]

Please do not judge me, It has taken me ages to pluck up the courage to post here.

My ds just turned 4, and lately it is like something has possessed him, my normal little boy has turned into a monster. I found myself shouting a lot and he has even had the odd smack, (I have tried sticker charts, but he is not interested in them).

Today things came to a head when we were running late because of him messing around and we were going to miss the bus to the childminders, I lashed out, without warning and slapped his leg, normally I warn and say if you do that again I will smack you. TBH I feel so awful now and crying at my desk (luckily I have my own office) as I know that I hit him out of pure frustration. I am not a violent person and he probably only gets 2/3 smacks a month for really naughty things.

I would value come advice here because I am feeling like I have failed at motherhood.

We all have are limits and you would only be a bad mother if you had no guilt, didn't recognise it was wrong, and used it as a constant source of discipline. I take it you haven't hurt him or caused any pain so i'd chill out a bit. Take deep breaths, burn some oils, have a massage or something! Your obviously stressed which we all get!

You haven't failed! Don't panic! Honestly, we all get to the end of our tether sometimes. You're normal (or I'm abnormal too) and they really know how to push our buttons don't they? I have tried not to smack but I'm not a saint and I have done it in the past, usually for completely the wrong reasons, i.e not as a considered thing but in anger as you've just done. It doesn't work at that age IME but hey, I've still done it. I also know the 4yo turning into satan feeling, it does pass (or did in my case) but it is horrible at the time, I know. I got some great advice here when I was desperate - search on behaviour/development and you really will find you're not alone, I promise you. You're not a bad mother, just a pushed-to-the-limit one.

wickedmummy, don't be so hard on yourself! why do you think you have to be perfect? do you know anyone else who is perfect? I bet there isn't a single person here who hasn't done something to their children in anger that they have felt awful about ever since (my particular little secret is telling my SWEET 4 year old daughter when she was being a nightmare "just leave me alone, I really don't like you very much at the moment". Her face just crumpled, I couldn't believe I'd said it - can still picture it now).
Anyway the most important thing is not that it happened, but that you feel so awful about it. So it happened - you were stressed, you snapped, but it was only a slap on the leg and because you feel awful it almost certainly won't happen again. But don't sob in your office (it will only add to your stress levels) don't think you have failed at motherhood (!) and don't think you are the only one!

Wickedmummy, Others might have more info, but I think little boys get a surge of testosterone at about the age of 4, which explains why they seem to change personaltity into more active demanding creatures. I think our children always know how to press our buttons, I find myself getting very fustrated with my little one sometimes (e.g. last nights furious tantrum over not being allowed a bag of crisps before his dinner) and find that I need to leave him while I calm down. If my DP is around he takes over or else I step back and ignore my ds for a few moments taking deep breaths and counting to ten. Would that sort of approach help? I wouldn't worry about lashing out in fustration once as I think the shock of realising how far they can drive you will help you to recognise the same feelings again and you will be in more control the next time. HTH.

wickedmummy, please don't describe yourself as a failure, because none of us is perfect and we all do daft things as parents when our children push the limits. Our ds is nearly 4 too and there is a definite "dip" in their cooperativeness around now, especially in boys, and lots of mumsnetters have posted about it and how trying it is. As another mum working outside the home I also know how intensely stressful getting out of the house for that crucial bus is, I was just thinking this morning that we had a nice journey for a change because I had not once had to nag ds about socks/toast/rucksack etc.
In the evenings at the moment I keep dipping back into "Raising Boys" by Steve Biddulph (reservations about some of his views but I think he has lots of good things to say as well) and into "Toddler Taming" and "Beyond Toddlerdom", both by Christopher Green. The tips both these writers have for dealing with the rising fours are really helpful and practical. One specific thing I would suggest is that now is a good time to start phasing out any smacking. IMO, at four or so children are of an age to react much better to other forms of discipline.
We have only found star charts work for specific objectives - clean during the day for example - not for general larking about. What works better for us is asking him to do something nicely, then telling him if there is no action, then some treat sanction like no video when he gets home from nursery is discussed. Sometimes we have to follow through the threat and we find it is important not to relent, without seeming to harp on about whatever caused the problem in the first place. We also always try and explain to ds why we have to catch buses, be up and dressed at a particular time, and this does also help. But some mornings they are just cussed...
Please don't be sad. If you are sitting in your office agonising over this morning's events it means you are a good, thoughtful, concerned parent, not a bad one. You just had a bad morning!

It sounds to me liked you are a very caring mum judging from your reaction to what happened - but it is not for us to all tell you that (as you can see, i am not the only one who thinkks this) you need to forgive yourself straight away and accept that being a mum is bloody hard work at times.. It also sounds like you are going through a really tricky time with ds - and as wickedwaterwitch has said - a stretched to the limit one.

Don?t waste any more time feeling bad about what happened - I bet he isn?t. Instead how about taking a little personal audit of your life and work out how you can make it a bit easier on you for a while - eg. can parents/friends chip in and look after him for an evening a week to give yourself a bit of space to relax/go out/catch a movie etc. if there is a dp/dh on the scene (sorry, don?t know your circumstances) can they help out with a little delegation of household jobs and responsibilities such as getting him ready in the morning? Another good thing is to choose to have some really good time once a week with just you and ds to enjoy each others company again - eg. swimming on a Tues eve, swings on a Sat afternoon or baking biscuits or just about anything that you both would enjoy and not feel would be stressful. Taking time to improve both of your lives a little might help you get through the rest of the weeks chores. I have just started weekly swimming with my dd and a weekly family walk on a Friday as soon as dh gets home - it sounds like normal activities but to us it has really made a difference as we talk to each other calmly again and actually act like a family who are relaxed and happy - even if only for a few hours!!
Don?t be miserable and guilty, get your thinking cap on and act positively to improve things for both of you. Good Luck

I hope this helps.... I have never told anyone other than a counsellor, but I hit my son once out of pure stress, and I felt incredibly bad for a very long time. The thing is, they play up more when a parent is stressed, and eventually, with help, I realised that my stress, tension and anger were turning my children into little monsters. It was the hardest thing in the world to admit, and I did go through a stage when I thought they would be better off without me: unbelievable, but that's how low I got. I would say to you, no, you haven't failed, but the stress this morning pushed you too far, and that's what you have to deal with, not him. FWIW, I learned to say "I'm sorry, I lost my temper/shouted etc, I was feeling very cross about things and ".... it helps children to know that they are still loved no matter how cross you get at times, and that gives them greater confidence in you. I cannot tell you how much I affected my older children's temperament before learning how to calm down, and to be honest it still upsets me to tell someone else, even on the internet. Try and work out what all the stress points were, and you may find that he picked up on that tension. Please don't shoot me down if I'm wrong though.

Wickedmummy, you are far from alone! My ds is 4.25 and, although adorable, is a little monster! It's not surprising that we mums get wound up to breaking point sometimes. It would be surprising if we didn't! Ds is either being naughty or whingey just now and it drives me bats! I guess it must be the testosterone! Today, for instance, I took him to school to see his sister's assembley. He sat through it but when it was over he was running around the hall like - well, like a 4 year old!! - and fighting with his friends. Then on the way home he was whacking people with his coat (made one child cry). Later in the supermarket car park he climbed on the bonnet of our car then leapt onto the bonnet of the next car. Inside the supermarket he was such a hooligan I had to put him in the trolley. Co-operation is not in his vocabulary just now. He often makes us late for school. So, of course you haven't failed. By now, you've probably had lots of cuddles with him and feel better. Have a look at him as he sleeps tonight, they're so lovely then!

its the 4 yewar hormone surge. Wwe had it too at tahat age

(beer)

Wickedmummy ... agree with everyone here ... you are NOT a failure AT ALL ... just the fact that you have posted means that you care so much for your little boy ... Keep smiling!!

I agree with all these posts, too, Wickedmummy (and please change your nickname at once! If you were wicked you wouldn't be posting about this.). Whilst I'm sure all of us try to restrict smacking to a minimum, a frustrated smack on the leg isn't going to do any lasting physical harm. And in fact your DS may have learnt a valuable lesson from it. Namely, that Mummy has feelings and emotions too and can be pushed over the edge.

Imagine how scary it must be to have a perfect parent. How on earth is a child going to live up to those ideals? Now, he knows that adults are fallible and that can be a liberating thing. He will realise that if grown-ups don't always get it right then he doesn't have to get it right all the time, either and it's ok to make mistakes.

They say the terrible twos are bad.....

You have not failed wm. Our kids have to the power to produce extremes of emotion in all of us. They can make you cry with happiness and they can wind you up like no-one else on the planet. It's a double edged sword, parenthood.

This period of 'bad behaviour' should pass soon, it might help if you can try and remind yourself that it is just a phase.

Hi wickedmummy, hope you are having a more relaxing morning. No bus-to-childminder angst today, I hope.

I have a 9 year old son. When he was your son's age I used to hit him in just the way you describe for the same reasons. Not a lot but now and again. A couple of years ago I was reading a pro and anti smacking discussion thread here. It sparked something off in my mind and I asked my son if how upset he had been when I'd smacked him around the age of 3 - 5 years. His answer totally surprised me. He said he couldn't remember it much, no incidents stuck in his mind and it hadn't really upset him at all. Yet I know he can remember lots of stuff from this age. He said a far worse punishment was being denied privileges. He'd much rather be smacked.
The punishment was then over and done with.

While I'm not saying we should all go around routinely smacking our pre schoolers because they won't remember it, my son's answer did help stop me feeling guilty about the times he was smacked.

One more thing to add. The thing that made me feel really guilty, much worse than smacking was to be nasty to my son at bedtime. I did this once or twice but in the end always gave him a gooodnight kiss or got my husband to go up to him. No matter how horrible our day, the thought of slamming the door on my ds was too much to contemplate and I know this would have made my son would have been far more distraught than a smack during the day. If you follow the odd daytime smack with a goodnight kiss and cuddle then IMO you have nothing to fret about.

Gilli, read your comments with interest. Have recently admitted to be in need of counselling firstly due to my complete depression at having two children and the anger I feel towards them sometimes for ruining my life. I too lose my temper almost daily and shout and scream beyond belief. The counsellor I'm seeing is probably more geared towards depression than anger management so be interested to know how you went about getting help for that specific problem.

Trifle - not sure there is a difference between depression and the anger that comes with pent up emotions - I think they are two sides of the same coin, and both need dealing with. I can only speak for my own experience. I learned that the rage I felt was due to an almost constant feeling of loss of control over my life, of having to always please other people, of always saying yes, of never saying no or taking time to look after myself. I had to learn that these were situations that I had to change for myself through positive action, rather than through inertia. To do that I had to think about the choices I had made and would make in the future, and to learn that my choices mattered. It sounds trite to say it, but having children hasn't ruined your life, but it has put demands on you that you may feel are unfair or impossible.

Counselling took 18 months, and even now (nearly 2 years later, I have to stop and think w"what would X have said?". I learned to control the angry outbursts by 1) not getting overtired 2) not setting unreaasonably high standards for myself/the day/my children etc 3) learning not to want total control all the time 4) learning to control my temper and not to shout (not always successful!). I do mean 'learn', it took a lot of work and I am only half way there now. I still don't like myself very much at times, but I remind myself that I am the best Mummy my children can have, and keep trying, Good luuck.

thanks Gilli - great advice for any mum.

Thanks for the great advice Gilli. I recognised the need to adhere to those 4 points that you mentioned, in order to balance out my life with my children somewhat. It has helped a lot.