Aggressive toward pre-school techers and other children help please

[TEAINNEED]

my soon to be 4 year old started pre-school in January and up untill know he has been ok towards staff and other children tho i did expect this to happen before now, i say ok he really doestn interact much with the teachers and join in in the learning part, but he does love going,

I got a phone call to day from his teacher asking me to cum and collect him as he has been bitting other children and not lising to her he also scratched a teacher 2 days ago, also a few insidend last week which i didnt find out about untill today, i was asked if anything had happend at home that may have coused this behaviour to happen and i can onistly say on my side nuthing has happend to bring this on, im a single mum and he does have conntact with his dad which he loves doing every second weekend and a week hear and there he spend a week with his dad a fortnight ago and i know from what he tells me and what his dad tells me that they play the playstaion i ask what games he plays and all of them are either 12,18 and one 7 year old one, my ex used to play all day and thru the night when we were toghter and he says that it is educational for son to play it and its probally 4 5 hours at a time if not more, so when he comes back to me its routine time and rulles once again and he does not like it, ive been told by son he doesnt like me he hates me, he will bite me, kick me and get very angry at me and i mean angry when he returs from ex it takes a good few days to regain control over him but why has today happend? i felt mortified my eyes were full of tears picking him from pre-school. he was often bit children at playgroups ect and hitted and i really thought this had passed he is such an angry wee boy and i really am stuggilng with what to do, i really hope someone out there can help and understand me and my writing i really have just blurted it all out..

I have asked my ex to day and numerious other times to stop playing the playstation in front of him and not to let him play games that are not sutiiable for his age but when i comfronted his it got turned around on me and that it is my falt he is angry becouse we are sepperate (ex was violent to me thru words and threats) and that i wount get back together with him that is whats causing this to happen..help

please somone help..

I work with children and have looked after children like this.
Your son sounds as if he is really angry, and this is causing him to behave viloently towards other people.
He is not really being helped by the pre-school though is he? I am shocked that they asked you to take him home. they should have coping stratagies and behaviour policies to follow.
You are right to be concerned about the affect of the playstation games, it will affect his behaviour.
Ask the pre-school for a meeting to discuss your concerns about your son's behaviour.
Ask them to observe him and to spot any triggers to his behaviour.
Ask their SENCO for advice, and whether thy would consider writing an Individual Educational Plan for him.
Ask if your health visitor can go into the setting to observe him.
Please don't worry, there is a lot that can be done to help your little boy. There are a lot of behavioral stratagies that can be used.
The pre-school should be able to come up with some suggestions. If they can't then they are adding to the problem by not addressing your child's needs.
You might need to look for another pre-school/ nursery.

Good advice from Pure purple.

I just want to add, have you got a local sure start? They often run courses for parents to help them deal with difficult behaviour, teaching strategies and so on.

You will be able to turn this around, because you want to and your not burying your haed in the sand.

Is there anybody in your ex' family that you could ask to speak to him regarding the violent games, maybe a brother or sister who could have a subtle word.

Thank you so much to both of you for replying ive been in tears reading it just so gratefull for some advice..
I to was supprissed that the school phoned me but semenyl it was the head misstress who witnesed wht he had done and told the pre-school teacher to phone me, i will be speaking to the pre-school teacher on monday and ask her for a meeting to discuss his behaviour also to ask to see what triggers it thank you for that advice, What is SENCO?
I have spoken few times to my health visitor a few times and they say that the pre-school will contact them if they had concers so mabye now this has happend she will be contacted..I really do hope i get the support needed from them, as i really am feeling the crapiest mother i want the best for him and want to brig him up the best way i can to respect others and enjoy life. as to thinking to moving him to another preschool they are all run by the same council and are a very tight comunity..There isnint a sure start but a similar course that being run webster staton i think its called so im going to look into that on monday to see when there running the next one as getting tips on how to deal with this will be relly helpfull as i dont have the convidence to belive in what i think should be done.
I spoke to ex this morning and says that he will not let him play it anymore which i was really supprized at but thankfull but il belive it when i see it, tho ex stiill thinks that its my falt that heis like this couse im not with him and refuse to go back to him..

Thank you Ladies for taking the time to read this youve made me feel a whole lot better ill keep you posed to how it goes on monday

xx

Please be assured that this is normal behaviour for some children, especially where there has abeen a breakdown in a relationship. This is not your fault, children all react differently.
But you both do need some advice and stratagies for coping.
SENCO stands for Special educational needs co-ordinator and they are the person responsible for working with parents and other agencies so that each child gets the best possible start in life.
This does not mean that your little boy is stupid or not normal, but that he might need a little extra help for a short while to cope with his feelings and emotions.
If problems are not sorted out early, then behavioural issues can cause major problems with learning later. It is best to get any concerns dealt with now, before they become habits.
You should be able to ask your health visitor to go in and assess him. the pre-school can't do anything without your agreement.
I think that you will need to set the ball rolling ans ask for the initial meeting to discuss your concerns.
I am glad that your ex is being agreeable, it will be easier to tackle this together.
I have just spent 2 years looking after a little boy a bit like yours. He lived with his mum, dad was in prison and he had a lot of different people picking him up from nursery. he would be at different peoples' house on different nights.He was a ver angry little soul.
He had difficulty with formimg friendships as he used to be very aggressive. he would bite and lash out, and sometimes i was on the receiving end. Never did I think that I should refuse to care for him. I saw him as a child in need of my expert care and help'.
Anyway, he has just started school and he has changed so much. I did a lot of 1-1 work with him, and getting to now him, getting to know his interests and using star charts and other rewards has worked.
Keep positive, there is light at the end of the tunnel!

I was going to suggest Webster Stratton.

If you can get on that course, please do. Ask DSs teacher if she can put your name forward.

I have really seen families turn around after being on Webster Stratton. It basically works by focussing on the good behaviour and ignoring the bad.

So when your DS does something good, even if it is something you would expect of him, like sitting nice at the table or sharing a toy with his friend, go really over the top telling him how good he is and how proud you are.

If he is throwing a tantrum or acting up, just ignore him. Obviously if he is hurting somebody he needs to be told off and have time out. But dont drag it out. This way he will learn that he gets more attention from being good than being naughty.

If he is having a hard time without his dad, try to do more activities together, like playing in the park, baking, modeling and so on. This will give you lots of chance to give him praise and also get him enjoying things away from the TV.

Good luck

Thank you for the advice there to both of you it was really usfull, my ex and aye split up nearly 2 years ago know but i suppose its mabye know that heis getting older he will be showing his fellingss more it makes me so sad that this is a factor in his anger but i do still feel that thease playstaion games have played a big part in it, i will ask the school tomorrow about senco or something similar were in scotland so it may cum under something else..its really good to hear of a similar storyfrom you purepurple and the fact that you wouldt refuse to care for a child because of a anger problem is great to hear i just really hope that hear its going to be the same story.im going to also giv my health visitor a ring as i have spoken to her about this before so i really think its time to get some help.
sadly tho my ex didnt keep to our agreemnt when i went to pick him up 2day i dilibrety went half an hour erlier than arranged to collect him, only to find son on the playstaion playing which is a pg game which wasnt to bad but when i asked how long heid been playing it he said about 4 hours, i just thought 2 myself what was the point in having the conversation we had and him agrreeing, he said that he doesnt belive its the playstaion at all and that is causing the anger and that it helps him to relise some anger. what im really cross at is he went against what i had asked of him and when i said this 2 him he said the rules he has in his house are his and i am not aloud to interfere with them, so i think i can saftly say im not going to get the support from him..
when he does return from his dads i do go that extra mile to make him fel seure and happy again with me as i know he is sad to be away from his dad and the playstation.. we do lots of playing, walks, swimmming, painting doing big coulages with things weve collect from our walks going to the park lots of exiting things together which he loves i do lots of prasing really exagirating it when he does sumthing taht is good i do my very bset to ignore the bad behaviour but there are somethings that ovisiouly have to be corrected eg what you said teamcullen,
bit nervious about pre-school tommorow so gono go have a bath to try get a better sleep 2night..

thank you once again for the good words and help xx

How did you get on Teainneed?

Dont be too hard on yourself. You sound as if you are a relly good mum who is trying very hard. I have every confidence in you and your son getting through this.

Keep working with the professionals but dont let them start to single your son out as the "naughty boy." Everybody needs to be working from the same page.

Can you speak to your ex's family to try and get some support.

it went well yesterday the teacher was fab reasurerd again that she will keep an eye on him to see what triggers the behaviour and try to prevent it and also to teach him how to cope with his feelings i was really pleased after leaving as i got it across ti her that i want to be involved as much as possible and to work with them to deal with this as i did fell as i was getting the finger pointed at me.The heatlth visitors comes in on a regular basis which i didnt know 2 c how its all going also to giv advice to the teachers on certin things they come in 2 see all the children so if his teacher has concerns about a single child she will seeck advice.
The taecher said this morning that shes not going to tell me every little thing that he does wrong just the majour things, he did scratch a child yesterday for taking at hat of his head silly things really.

I spoke to his dad yesterday and really didnt get anywhere he did say tho that he will stop the playstation just to prove a point, he also blamed me once again that its cause heis with me all the time and thats why he is the way he is came off teh phone feeling crap again (heis a very controling man will not let me get a word in edge ways)

As to asking his family i would get the support from his mum but she can say one thing to me an then say another to him so i think i need to have a think about that one and approtch it with care..

Thank you Teamcullen for being there for me your given me a boost everythime i read your replyes..

Im glad everything went well for you Teainneed, and you are feeling better about the school supporting you.

As you say, its very hard when your ex wont support you, but at least you recognise that he is trying to twist things, your probably best innoring him rather than letting him get to you.

Maybe when your son's behaviour begins to improve for you, he might listen a bit more. He probably wont, but at least you and your son will be happier

Good Luck

Thanks teamcullen once again im sure ill be back on here at sum point with hopfully good news if not then asking once again for help,
i really have appreciate you words it has helped tremendisly..good luck to you 2

You poor thing! it is not your fault. Your Ex is something else though, does he not realize that letting a 4/5yr old play 18rated games is a form of child abuse, they are not educational and can seriously impair brain development. The school sound harsh and just want an easy life, my son went through this phase at a new pre-school and he hated kids and staff my HV told me to move him pronto as she said the school was not right for him. I did and we did not look back he became a happy little lad again, so sometimes it is the school NOT THE CHILD that is all wrong. You carry on with your love and routines and pat yourself on the back.But please dont let your ex let him play on the adult PC games they are addictive. Tanya Byron (House of Tiny Tearaways) has been commissioned by the govt. to study the effect of exposure to violent PC games on youmg children, her findings make v. disturbing reading. The young boys who nearly killed 2 friends last spring had been similarly exposed. Deny your ex access if he does not shape up, you will have the law on your side. This is so important and you can make the difference!!!

Thank you UL im on the same wave as you i really think it can and does have a inpact on behaviour it did so with my ex i witnesed so many times, he has said now that he wount let him playit (but he has said this before) just to prove a point that it does him no harm i really do hope he does stick to what he says as i will need to stop him seeing him altho i dont want this to hapen as my son addores his dad and id hate him to turn round ina few years and say he hates me and wants to live wit his dad ive already been told a few time by him he doesnt like me becouse i dont have a playstation and that he wants to go stay at daddys it is heart breaking to hear that but i know that the best way to deall with that is to ignore it..it was really interesting to hear story of your son im gald heis doing well, the schools in my area and for the next 100 miles are all run by the same council so sadly i dont have a choice in that one but the teacher at his pre-school has been really good after the insident i think it was all blown out of proportion. Where did you find out about the Tanya Byron studdy is it out already id be really interested in reading this i have such strong feelings about violent games and the causes it can leave on the mind..Thank you taking the time out to reply to me hope ill hear from you again

just found Tanya Byron study on the net of to go read it..

I'm glad it seems the pre school will be helping you and supporting your son by looking out for triggers for his behaviour. I feel so sorry for your little lad, that his dad thinks it is any kind of life for him to be playing hours and hours of adult playstation games. What a waste. Shame his dad can't be bothered to do better than that. I don't know your son, but I actually feel genuinely sad for him.

I'm sure your willingness to help and support your son has played a big part in the pre school being able to keep a good eye on his behaviour so good for you At least your son has you!

If you want to know the truth about what I would do from here then I'll just say 1) keep on talking to and supporting the pre school and 2) if your ex does not stop allowing these games and does not make it possible for you to communicate with him properly about your son, and your son's behaviour doesn't change I would contact a solicitor and ask for contact to be in a supervised contact centre from now on

Hi TEAINNEED,
Just thought I'd let you know you are not alone! I'm a single mum too and have similar problems.

My DS (3yo) has always been a bit naughty but since starting pre-school a few weeks ago he's been a nightmare, very aggressive.

I had a meeting with his teacher as he had hit a little girl, I was so mortified I ended up crying, which was even more embarrassing!

They have started a 'smiley face book' with him, and he has to get two smiley faces a day, if he does I get him a gingerbread man - he loves them and they are ideal as an everyday treat, even going into the baker's and giving the lady the money is all part of it for him! If he doesn't he doesn't get his TV time and also is limited to one bedtime story instead of 2 or 3 (can't bear to take that away altogether as I think reading is so important, especially with boys).

If he gets 2 every day for the week we do something different (e.g. not the park or kids am at the cinema as they make up a typical weekend!), for example yesterday we went to the Natural History museum to see the dinosaurs.

It does seem to work in the short term in that he behaves to get the smiley faces, but he doesn't always get them and the good behaviour doesn't last.

His other big problem is spitting which is a fairly new thing - used to be biting but seem to have got over that using 'naughty step'

I also tell him I don't want to talk to him until he can be a good boy and will not speak to him or reply to anything he says for ten minutes - this drives him mad as he loves to talk about anything and everything and I am a single parent so he is a real mummy's boy and hates it when he doesn't get attention from me. However again not long term, he will say sorry then do the same thing again 5 minutes later. He also doesn't discriminate between adults and children, will spit at/hit/kick both, including me.

We have long chats about why he should do bad things but he still does - He knows right from wrong which makes it worse, if he didn't realise that it was wrong maybe that would be easier to understand!

I know for me the probable causes are that I work full-time and that his father chooses not to see him (he left me when I was pregnant and has only seen him once since he was born).

I will say, my son is with a childminder (who is ABSOLUTELY fantastic) 9-5 mon-fri so she takes him to pre-school and picks him up, and for the first couple of months with her his behaviour was bad too, so part of it may be related to change, it's quite a big deal at that age and it's so much like school that they just aren't used to that sort of environment (which is why I put him in there!) and at least if it's happening now hopefully the problems will be ironed out before they start school.

As for the aggressiveness I don't know where it comes from with Ben, he doesn't see any violence at home and his TV is time-limited and content-limited so I just don't get it. But I do know how you feel!

Maybe you could ask your ex to get one of the educational games consoles for kids like the v-tec one, he could tell him it's his new one and hide the playstation when he's there? Then he's still playing computer games but they won't be doing any damage?

BTW, my son tells me he hates me too, whenever he doesn't get his own way, so don't take that to heart, I think that's just a kid thing - how can I hurt mummy the most?!

The best thing we can do is maintain the two-way support with the pre-school.

Sorry just realised how much I've been rambling on!

Good luck with everything

Thank you for ur post im sorry for not getting back to you to thank you sooner..youve made some really good points its put my mind at ease

it so nice to have someone who knows how it feels, my ex still insists that the games are not causing his aggression and after hearing that your wee fello doest see any violence its made me think twice that mabye its not the cause and its just one of thease things that some kids go thru. I got him a v-tec for his birthday and he loves it and i do to ive said to his dad that he can take it up there to play instead of the games he plays up there but he dint want that so im learning to accept my ex is neevr going to change his ways..

Thank you for rambiling on, we all will get there one day ..

Good luck to you to