tantrums: distraction or ignoring - which is better?

[MamaChris]

ds nearly 19 months and can get dramatically upset about very small things - seems like his emotions just too big for him to contain. dp says it's the start of "terrible twos".

I think we need to take one consistent approach to avoid adding to his confusion. Ideally, I would like to be able to sit down and quietly talk him through his emotions, but that can't work when he's in the throws of screaming. I'm inclined to ignore, then talk later. dp prefers to distract, and distraction does seem quicker when dp does it (but I'm not very good at it).

which approach (or what other approach I haven't thought of) do you think is "better" in the sense of teaching ds how to handle things, and lessening the duration (particularly when we're out!)?

Distract if you can catch it before it turns into a full on tantrum. But if it's gone past the point of distraction, then ignore.

To be honest, at 18 months I think talking to him about his emotions (other than helping him to label them e.g. "you're sad / cross") is going to be a bit pointless. Great for a bit later though when his langugage is better.

Exactly what neolara said.

what neo said!!! I can't add anything to that, that would be my approach exactly. Certainly found with my ds that any input at all just 'fed the flames' of the tantrum. Ignoring works.

But do remember that when he is in the throes of a tantrum, you can't actually stop him. Only he can do that - don't put pressure on yourself, don't 'over parent', just keep calm yourself. Keeping calm yourself is the best thing you can do for him when he's beside himself imo.

Develop and inner stillness so when he throws a full wobbler, you drift away on a calming cloud of calmness.

For distraction techniques I always found "oh my goodness! Look at that badger"

The kids still think we have a very shy badger in the house.

'Toddler Taming' by Christopher Green is WELL worth reading, I would highly recommend it.

It's very good for making you realise what's normal for each stage of development and for helping you to keep a little bit of sense of humour about it

i don't necessarily do either tbh

mine are pretty non-distractable when in the midst of a tantrum, so it's rare that i can use that.
but i don't ignore because (definitely at that age) tantrums are a developmental thing that they just have to go through. they can't control it, and i think a tantrum can be as scary for the child as it is horrid for hte parent.

so, no ignoring here, but i tend to just sit nearby and now and then i will just try and reach ahand out to see if ds2 is ready to be calmed or come for a cuddle, and basically just be his buffer.

i think he needs to know i am there for him while he is going through it, and then eventually he gets to a point wher he just will fall onto me aned have a cuddle and then be fine!

O think thisisyesterday's post is interesting - id I sat with my ds during a tantrum, oh my goodness it was like lighting the touch paper -ALL his anger focussed on me and just getting worse! I do think though that the ignoring doesn't have to be done in a punitive way - I often said to DS how sorry I was he was feeling so awful, and looked sympathetic. Then I ran for the hills but I think it's important they feel you understand.

I think it goes to show that of course they're all different - you will find a way that works for your child!

lol at theinvisibleone's badger. We have a giraffe!

I would say just what neo says, distraction is the best if they can be distracted, and then if not, ignore. Distraction actually teaches them to distract themselves later on, so they can learn to calm themselves down from something they find frustrating - what psychologists call emotional regulation, which is important for their development.

oh yeh ds2 gets angry at me too. but that's what parents are there for isn't it?
at 19 months or thereabouts they aren't in control of it, they have tantruims because it's the only way they can respond to how they feel.
they NEED to tantrum and i find that if i sit with ds2 he might aim that anger at me, and it may increase, but it's over a lot quicker than if i oignore him

your DS is a lightweight then thisisyesterday

oh my goodness his tantrums were not going to be over quicker with me sitting there Thank goodness he grew out of this phase fairly fast. He didn't have loads of them, but when he had them they were hum-dingers!

Remember mamachris it will end, it's a phase!

MrsJamin- we have a giraffe too! But that is because we live on the first floor (second floor at the back) and a badger wouldn't cut it

Neither works for me. Distraction is never interesting enough to hold her attention long enough to forget the tantrum unless there actually is a giraffe/badger/other influx of wildlife.

Ignoring doesn't work since DD goes from angry to upset in a blink so if I don't catch her at the start of the sobbing I have a sobbing mess of a toddler who inevitably wets herself with all the trauma. I have to get her to the toilet and cuddle her to get through them. "Stop making the noise and tell Mummy with words what is wrong" (repeat calmly ad infinitum) seems to help get to the bottom of it.

thanks for all the replies!

ds was crestfallen this morning to miss the parrot which decided to fly round the room just as he realised his breakfast was finished , but timed it perfectly and one meltdown avoided. I think this will only work for the predictable ones (end of food, taking away of dangerous but fascinating object etc), but that's a big help.

I'll probably try the being nearby during a tantrum as thisisyesterday suggested and the running commentary of HFTBETW appeals too. But I guess ds and us will work out together what's best. Good to be reminded that once the storm's hit, it's too late for distraction.

Hoping this isn't a long phase...

I'm sure this is immensely useful advice for a toddler. I'll turn off her cell phone right now.

Oops, got distracted by reporting this post.