family crisis over pop up sink plugs....

[margobambino]

DS is obsessed with sinks and pop up sink plugs. He loves removing those plugs and putting back them again. Do you think it is very weird thing to play with. Anybody else also had this problem?
Today it led to a crisis in our home and I feel so sad and lonely at the moment. I'll try to summarize what happened. We usually keep the sink in the ensuite clean and allow him to play with it and I told him to never play with the guess toilet's sink downstairs as we do not show any speacial attention to its cleanliness tbh and would not be nice to touch its pop up plug I believe. I told him not to do that several times and today he did it again, so I got really angry and may be first time (definetely did not happen much) I shouted at him really badly. Then I asked my husband to take him upstairs as I was really angry. He was eating snacks in the kitchen. My mom and dad were also at home so my dad took him to his playroom. DS started crying and obviously having tantrum then my also mom went there. I was able to hear their voices, first they tried to calm him down but he did not listen. Then my dad started shouting at him which i believe was a horrible thing to do. My husband interestingly still having snacks in the kitchen. I firmly asked him to go and look what's going on. He refused first saying that he needs to eat something as he is going to take his meds. Then he also went and 2-3 min later he called me urgently. When I went there my poor ds was crying in the ensuite as he took him there to play with the sink "to calm him down". This was the most stupid thing I have ever heard.
3 grown up people could not manage to calm a toddler down and they really s...d it up basically. I don't even know who to get angry with at the moment and feel very very lonely and low. I don't even have a space and a person to trust to get angry and lose it a bit once in a while.
I would appreciate any comments.

If it helps, my DS (2.5) LOVES fans and has done for over a year! He even had a tantrum in the car on the M4 near Reading as there is a large wind turbine and he wanted to see the "fan" again! Plugs sound as random as a fan!!!

mathanxiety, thanks for your post. I find it very helpful to read and analysing what happened last evening at the same time. Yes this is what I am going to do, I told the same thing to my DH, I shall not count on him in a similar situation next time. This was a good experience although was also traumatic for both DS and me. He is my little boy, I love him so much and I will never ever count on other men in my life and basically I will never put myself in a situation of needing them.
I have also spoken to my dad and he was really sorry and even apologised from DS who at first turned to me and said "tell him to go" did not even look at him, but then I think he has forgiven later. My dad is really given in now and doing waht ever he wants which is not very nice actually for long because they are looking after him when I am at work. I do not think that my dad would do it ever again, he is a quite sensitive man and feels very guilty now.

I thiknk that you probably have all the answers you need, but just to add my two cents about plugs, I just think it's hard for a little one to understand that he can play with one plug and not the others. So I would either clean them all, or just stop him from playing with them all together.

Hi mumofoliver my DS also loves fans and he adores those large turbines near junction 11. On Saturday we were on the M3 and he asked for the wind turbines and I found myself explaining him this was M3 not M4, which was really funny.

Hi Margo

I remember your other threads, I have a ds same age as yours. It is great to hear that your ds has been assessed as normal and bright. I am also very pleased that you are going to start on CBT. I know you have been very anxious about your ds and his health / development, and that you have had some very good advice on mumsnet about looking into why you feel this way, rather than focussing on ds.

As to the plug obsession - my ds loves putting the plug (ordinary one not pop up) in the sink and filling it with water, pulling the plug out, putting it back, turning the (cold only!) tap on and off. I think it is a very normal thing for children, particularly boys, to be interested in how things work, and they will concentrate on some things, or go back and back to the same thing for weeks on end!

I am sorry it all went so wrong for you yesterday. I have been in the same position as you of shouting and then feeling terrible. You have learnt how to manage a situation like this and your son will have forgiven you don't worry - at this age while being shouted at is not nice, as long as everything is now better and he feels safe with you (which I think your time with him on the bed demonstrates) then there is no harm done.

FWIW your standards of cleanliness are way above mine!! A few germs will not harm your ds, in fact they will help to build resistance, if he only ever plays with sterlised objects or on surfaces cleaned and wiped every hour he won't be building up any resistance for the future. Don't be afraid of letting him get dirty. I wouldn't let him play with the toilet brush (!), but I think a plug which has had a clean recently and isn't obviously gungey or horrible isn't going to harm him, particularly if he's not putting it in his mouth.

HTH. Am thinking of you and wish you all the best for Thursday and onwards.

(I posted on some of your other threads but have changed names since and can't even remember what name I used on that one. Can't seem to find a name I like).

Hi LittleRedBook, mumsnet really helped me at that stage. I wnet through a very difficult phase during his assessments as although he was very good at our native language he wasn't speaking or understanding English very well. He was and (still is) feelign quite uncomfortable when English speaking people around. A private practitioner in UK did a horrible assessment which we all found very inappropriate and stressful. At the end our HV, who was very supportive advised us to get him assessed some one who speaks his language which was an excellent idea. I found a professor who was trained in Yale and has very good reputation. She did 2 proper assessments which he recorded too and a team watched us behind the screen. She said she and her team are 100% sure that he does not have autism. It was really nice to hear that. I still find myself thinking "maybe she was wrong" but I now know that it is a form of anxiety that I need to cope with.
They were such long threads and more than one, so difficult to find names there
Thanks again.

I have just noticed that I made lots of mistakes in my post yesterday. I hope i will be able to correct all of them grin

Hi LittleRedBook, mumsnet really helped me at that stage with lots of good advice. Our GP (and HV) did not see any symptoms of autism but she agreed to refer us just for reassurance to a private consultant (we chose)in the UK. We now deeply regret choosing that person, because unfortunately her assessment was really really poor and stressful for all three of us. Before asking our GP to refer us, we contacted that consultant and explained her that DS was very good at our native language but he wasn't speaking or understanding English and therefore he was (and still is) feeling quite uncomfortable with communicating with English speaking people. I believe she shouldn't have accepted seeing us at the beginning but she assured us that she would be able to do that instead.
After all that trauma, our HV, who has been very supportive from the beginning, advised us to get him assessed by someone who speaks our language which was an excellent idea. I then found a professor who was trained in Yale and has a very good reputation. She assessed him properly over 2 days. Her team was watching us behind the screen and she also recorded her assessments just in case. At the end she said she and her team are 100% sure that he does not have autism. That was really nice to hear and was quite reassuring too. I still find myself thinking "maybe she was wrong" sometimes but I now know that it is a form of anxiety that I need to cope with.

I heard from a couple of friends that there are some private autism doctors doing quite expensive but poor assessments too. They say NHS is much better. I think language is important for this type of assessment and I think you've done the best thing.
I agree with what others have said re the plug problem. I would clean them and supervise him when playing with it.