20 m-o DS hitting her parents!...

[Tyg]

Hi all - Mumsnet virgin here, a big howdy to all of youse out there, I've so enjoyed reading your stuff I've just sat here for couple of hours when i meant to be 5 mins...! But not yet found anyone else mention my/our problem.

20 months dd likes to hit out on a regular basis - only very occasionally other children (prefers pushing! which I handle as best I can) - nope, her preferred hit-objects are self and dh... Sometimes in fun, sometimes very seriously, but almost always painfully! The other day I was changing her, we were both giggling, then she suddenly switched and clouted me upside the head so hard my eyes watered ... Was SO tempted to simply haul off and sock her back, find it is really hard on occasions like (& in acute pain) this to remember all the anti-smacking mantras - & once (so far) actually succumbed to this, & slapped her face back Someone call the social services to me I am a BAD MUM, UN peacekeepers required in our house...

But guys, what do I DO?? She may be picking it up from nasty old bad-tempered me - or she may not - she's just as happy socking dh and even my MIL, her beloved granny whom she ADORES - both of whom much nicer people, utterly gentle, sweet-natured, & completely devoted to her. & she thinks its funny when we tell her off - the more seriously we tell her, the more she laughs!

& I still never seem to see it coming... & she so often catches me in the nose or the eyes (I wear contacts)...

Welcome to Mumsnet Tyg!

My ds will be 2 next month. He went through a phase of doing this. Never other children, just dp and I. It started when he was about 18 mths and is pretty much exactly as you described. He just seems to have stopped doing it! No miracle advice for you I'm afraid..... but as with most things to do with kids, it's usually just a short phase. We tried ignoring it, then we started giving him a row for it, sitting him on the floor and walking away from him (cue tantrum and tears). But he's lost interest now.

Hope That Helps.

M2T

My ds (also 20 months) does it too - to me, dh, and sister and brothers. We've not cured him yet though two approaches I am trying are - to put him in lounge with safety gate shut and move myself away to kitchen (ie abandoning him) or - to say something like - no hits, mummy likes hugs - which usually gets the desired hug but often followed by hits again.

Hi Tyg and welcome to Mumsnet!

Of course you're not a bad mum! I'm sure many of us feel this way sometimes, but if you were a bad mum you wouldn't bother posting on mumsnet...

I occasionally have the same problem with dd who is just over 2 years old. I handle it by telling her, "you musn't hit people, mummy doesn't hit people, mummy doesn't like it so she's leaving now" and doing just that, leaving the room. Sometimes, like you, I get so angry and it's so painful that I find it very hard not to hit back, it's just a reflex I suppose. On those occasions I don't say anything, just leave the room and explain later that I left because she hits me and it made me very angry. It's actually getting better now and she doesn't do it so often, although I don't know if it's because my approach is working or because she's just losing interest. HTH

Hey Jude & Toby's Mum! Wow, that was quick.

Thanks for your thoughts. Have tried walking away/leaving her - only to feel utterly negligent after c. 30 secs... if I remain in sight, no good, if out of sight, leads to kind of incidents I've just been reading in 'Worst Mother' discussion (& laughing like a drain!)... You can't win. Leaving in cot is another I've tried, but not sure she's making the connection... & when it happens when you're trying to get her on way to bed anyway (as quite often does), this can make for a confused message, 'oh its just bedtime then'...!

Really HOPE its a phase - but she's been doing it for months now already. & she is just such a wee toughie, laughs off discipline - BOY do I look forward to them Terrible Twos...?!

Tyg - the wonders of mumsnet! There's always someone ready to give adice....

Or to party with!! Come to the Mums Arms.

Tyg.. My ds started this at around 20 months too. He's now 22 months and I have to say it has stopped quite a bit. At first, although I didn't like to, I did slap his hand back. (He laughed!!) That failed! Now what we do is stand up whether it's in the same room or not and ignore him. Hitting your legs doesn't hurt half as much as you face. The other thing we tried was if he hit me dh would love me and vice versa. It just got him ignored. He also pushes other children around, or his new one now is chasing them with a bike. (Even the cat!) When this happens while we're out I tell him that he doesn't hit other people and then give all my attention to who-ever he's hit and totally ignore him. I think this seems to be slowly working. We tried putting him out of the room but I think he enjoyed the fact that he was somewhere different and on his own to cause havoc if he wanted. Now it's us that leave him.
Hope this helps. He's just woke up!! Fun, fun, fun. Good luck

Tyg - terrible twos apparently officially start at 18 months. DD has just hit (I use that word advisedly) that landmark and is acting the same way as yours. She seems to like hugging us - complete with little pats on the back - after she has battered us and perhaps feels that, in order to do this, she needs to preface it with a clout. Luckily she doesn't seem to hit other kids, just her long-suffering and much-bruised (and bitten) parents

At that age they really, really don't understand that they are hurting you. Their brains haven't developed enough to understand the concept of empathy. If it feels good to them, they assume it feels good to you. I bet what she loves is your reaction - it will seem funny and interesting to her. My advice is ignore, prevent and distract. Take no notice of the hitting (which isn't done out of malice or with a desire to hurt, she genuinely won't understand those concepts at this age - it's just interesting to her), take avoiding action when you see it coming, stand up, hold her arm, and very quickly distract her 'ooh look, the cat!' "Let's look out of the window!" 'Here's your rabbit' "have a grape' (supermarket only, that one). My very gentle and affectionate ds recently went through a biting stage. He would hug me big time then, say, sink his teeth into my shoulder. It wasn't angry biting, just something to do when he was excited (like a cat puts its claws out when you tickle it) or hungry or if his gums hurt. I would remove him and then distract him and it seems to have worked really well as he has stopped doing it. I find tellings off at this age pretty pointless as they just make him laugh or look baffled. I have read that these slaps are often a sign of affection. I'm sure ds's was biting me out of affection too as it was accompanied by big cuddles. It hurt but I'm certain he had no idea of this.

Hi everyone! How NICE to hear you all, boy do I not feel alone with this any more...

Bear (in the big blue etc.etc.etc.), that really struck a chord - she loves to hug too, complete with little pats, yup - though so far (thank god) this isn't necessarily connected to hitting out. She's just effusive in both directions, I guess! Aloha - well, I hear what you're saying, but I have to say I think it's hard... How you supposed to 'ignore it' or not react when she hits you hard enough to make you howl & yr eyes water?? - & trust me, I would avoid it if I could 'see it coming'!! - hey, I ain't dumb, I know when to avoid physical pain! Trust me, I don't stand there & get hurt a-purpose... - problem is we don't see it coming, we're maybe concentrating on not getting poo on the changiong mat or getting her food on the table or something equally boring but essential - & she's lightning (sp.?) quick, & she likes to catch us out... & when she wallops her little chums (occasionally), not a lot of point telling them not to react...

I don't mean to make her sound like a demon either, or even a regular TT sufferer - she's actually a terrific wee kid MOST of the time, affectionate, lively, great with folk, great sense of fun and laughter - sometimes hitting evidently appeals to her sense of humour! And sometimes it's just crossness when she doesn't get her own way. Oh and - did I mention? she never does this at nursery....! I think this is what worries me. What if it ain't the TTs... what if this is just way she is....?!

Please don't think of her actions as a sign of a character defect. Honestly, she really won't have any idea that it hurts you - children this young don't and can't think this way. They only think of themselves really, eg they will push not to punish or hurt the other person, but merely to get that toy to themselves. She isn't trying to hurt or upset you, but is doing something to see your interesting reaction or because it feels good to her. Believe me, when my son sank his fangs into me a couple of times it wasn't comfy, I just really had to bite my lip, suppress my yelp and appear not to react. Ignoring things you don't like really, truly works IMO even though I agree it's hard sometimes. Most of all, don't let it worry it you. It's just a phase. It will end. She loves you really! Try to keep your calm, you could say "please don't hit mummy, it hurts', but I doubt she'll understand that for a while, and generally keep it low key. She'll probably be a fantastic tennis player one day!

Tyg - at that age, DS took to biting. Very quickly and completely out of the blue he would sink his teeth into my chest or upper arm while I was carrying or cuddling him, and it really b**y hurt, and he actually drew blood on my arms on two occasions.

The first time he did it I nearly just dropped him - then put him down and went to the loo to check out the damage. The next three times he did it I was in social situations and I was so shocked that I completely ignored it. The last time he did it we were at an afternoon barbecue - I burst into completely silent tears, threw him at DP and flounced off to the loo.

I think the lack of real feedback or attention might have put him off of continuing to try it out.

Tyg, our dd never does it at nursery or toddler groups either - so could mean it's down to affection. But know what you mean about biting your lip and avoiding effing and blinding when those "affectionate" teeth sink in. I was on the end of a haymaker the other day when climbing the stairs with her in my arms - a small glass jar of lipbalm, which was being carried everywhere as some sort of a talisman, was suddenly (and I'm talking hundredths of a second) thumped into my eye socket, it was all I could do not to drop her. They say having kids teaches you patience, they don't tell you how painful the lessons are.

have to completely agree with aloha, they have no conception of hurting others at this age or cause and affect, so she doesn't understand that she's doing something wrong. also agree that it is excitement that can bring it on and can sometimes appear to be an extenstion of affection (as far as they're concerned).

My ds(19 months) is going through simiar phase and when it happens I just put him down and walk away then distract. it really is common try not to worry about it.