Dressing my 4 1/2yr old daughter

[Madasahatter]

My daughter (eldest of 3) and going to Nursery is a nightmare to dress in the morning. Whatever I choose is not to her liking (unless new/novel), she constantly complains about ill-fitting knickers/socks/shoes/vests/tops/dresses - anything and everything! This morning she took off her trainers 4 times and tried 4 different pairs of socks. My husband and I are getting desperate. Has anyone been there? Anyone got any advice?

hi, mad! (can i call you mad??? nice name but a bit long!)

i did have this with my daughters, to a certain extent - at least, they used to stay dressed before nursery but when they came home it was changerama...clothes everywhere. i used to mind what they wore, matching socks etc, and we did used to have rows about it and i used to get cross with my dh because he didn't do it right.

now, with hindsight, i would have let them choose their own clothes. my youngest (boy of 8) has gone out in some extraordinary outfits - when he was younger - he has a bit more taste now! he does forget where his jumper is 3 or 4 times a day and gets another one out - i find them all over the place.

could you let her choose her own and then grit your teeth and pick up after her? it really is just one of those incredibly annoying phases - does she go to school in sept? will she have a uniform? that will solve your morning problem (if it still exists by then.)

in the words of one of my child development books - take your wind out of her sails - just withdraw from the confrontation!

Goodness, how I can relate to this one! My daughter is 4 1/2 too. Sometimes I impose one outfit if she is being particularly annoying, but am reluctant to do this a lot, as we never had any choice as children and I suspected this may have been one of many reasons why we grew up so unselfconfident.
I often end up taking clothes out of the drawers and showing them to her, then if she rejects them, at least we haven't wasted time putting them on. If she chooses them, then that gives me a reason to insist that once on, they should stay on. Another thing, if she consistently says she doesn't like a particular garment, I get rid of it. Memories of having to wear my mother's taste in summer dresses (sleeveless shift dresses) which has NEVER been mine, even at the age of 3.
What is really infuriating at the moment is that my daughter has taken against a very expensive Laura Ashley denim pinafore dress that she said she liked in the shop!! She looks gorgeous in it too.

Jan & SML - Thanks so much for suggestions - can I get back tomorrow on my comments. Got to dash home now - believe or not I work 4 days per week - that's why I call myself 'Madasahatter'. Yep, you can call me mad, cos that's what I am most of the time.

Can you let her choose her clothes herself right from the drawer? I'm sure she'll come up with some weird combinations, but just let her do it. Don't criticise, smuggle something warm along with her if she's going to freeze. Remember, her taste will be NOTHING like yours but she'll be happy and independent - and the nursery staff will have seen countles fairies or red indians or whatever turn up. Looking at the kids I know who went through this, they all turned out to be wildly imaginative ... and stubborn

Copper - yes - that's my daughter to a T.

blimey ! boys must just be easier - I put out the clothes for my 4 yr old and he wears them - no arguments !

My boys must be unusual then! The oldest has definite ideas about what to wear and the youngest will NEVER wear knitted jumpers. It has to be a sweatshirt or a fleece! The oldest used to have a thing about labels inside clothes and we had to cut them out.

Hi, I'm back. Was off work wed, thu, fri last week, so i couldn't catch you up. Anyway, the general consensus seems to be to let her wear what she wants. (I'll have to grit my teeth and close my eyes. I can imagine the most awful combinations already.) I will have to draw the line though at polo-neck jumpers in the summer, and beachwear in the winter. I have decided therefore to arrange with my daughter what she'll be wearing the night before as I don't have time for this in the morning. I've also told her that we shall go through her wardrobe and give away all the clothes she objects to. As for labels on inside of clothes, it's also the seams on socks, and the width of gussetts on knickers. Boy, I cannot wait until September - yes, it'll be uniforms - for both daughters! Yippee!

Hi, I'm back. Was off work wed, thu, fri last week, so i couldn't catch you up. Anyway, the general consensus seems to be to let her wear what she wants. (I'll have to grit my teeth and close my eyes. I can imagine the most awful combinations already.) I will have to draw the line though at polo-neck jumpers in the summer, and beachwear in the winter. I have decided therefore to arrange with my daughter what she'll be wearing the night before as I don't have time for this in the morning. I've also told her that we shall go through her wardrobe and give away all the clothes she objects to. As for labels on inside of clothes, it's also the seams on socks, and the width of gussetts on knickers. Boy, I cannot wait until September - yes, it'll be uniforms - for both daughters! Yippee!

we choose all the clothes the night before after bath time and put them in the same place. Not allowed to change mind in morning it has worked even with my very cantankerous 4.5 year old.

For my eldest I used to choose 2 outfits and let her have the final say. I remember going on morning to the childminder, and her saying "Christain dressed hinself today - so DON'T say anything".... he was wearing 3 t-shirts.
And yes I have photos of my daughter in wolly tights and swimming costumes. There was a summer when she would only wear pink knickers, and my youngest had a pair of 'doggy' knickers that I could wash and tumle dry ready for the nect day. They are a bit older now, but still have favourites. I have several mail order catalogues and we choose clothes together, she goes through putting a cross against what she likes and then I vet her choice. that I am.

Sometimes I am soooooo glad I log on to Mumsnet my ds (4 years old) is not the only boy in the world then who drives me absolutely nuts in the mornings. I pick up a perfectly good t-shirt and he says "no mummy its not cool" what are you on child you are 4 not 18!!! Plus the next annoying thing is his socks as we all know socks come in readlly odd sizes and they just dont fit his feet and he takes his shoes and socks off countless times until we get the seam right! Labels too I have to cut them all out "they hurt my neck mummy" aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrghhh is all I can say - I dont mind him choosing odd outfits its the socks and the coolness I have a problem with -now thats better I've got it off my chest!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Am I being too soft? Is to too much to expect a 7 year old boy to dress himself every morning? I always lay out his clothes for him, but typically I end up putting most of them on him!! He says he simply cannot do up the buttons on his school shirt, and I've never yet got him to put on his trousers. Yes, the buttons are a little fiddly, and he needs someone to do the shirt cuffs for him, but, if it's a question of manual dexterity, how come he has eagerly learned to do his tie?

School mornings are - or course - the worst. Weeekends are easy. I say he can't go out to play unless he's dressed, and he scoots upstairs to pull on his clobber. However, weekend wear consists of drawstring waists and sweatshirts - all easy peasy.

Although my son has recently changed schools, he was just as bad a dresser before this. I needed a very strong coffee at work this morning to calm me down after the shouting match we had this morning. I ask, I threaten, I hold up the specific item, then I shout and still nothing happens. He just lies on the sofa not hearing me. I have thought about waking him up earlier, and not rushing him, but he can be downstairs for an hour before I begin to ask him to put his gear on ( 15 minutes of gentle then less than gentle reminders) and still he resists.

He simply wants me to dress him from head to foot and he knows that if he does nothing that is exactly what I will have to do: He has to be dressed for school. I have to leave for work. My time is finite. He is a little better with his father, but not much.

So I am beginning to wonder, am I really expecting too much? do others here still dress their primary-school aged children? Help!

Batters, you don't know how tempted I am to bundle him into the car in his PJs. The thought has crosed my mind on many occasions.

Problem is I don't actually take him to school. The deal is that I oversee his dressing and my husband oversees breakfast and teeth cleaning, and does the school run. I go to work earlier than my dh, but not early enough to leave the whole morning routine to him - and dressing is the start of the routine. My son is pretty OK with all other aspects. He's happily pour his own cereal and milk etc and clean his teeth. It's just that he likes me to dress him. But it adds extra stress to my mornings because I am already dressing his brother and getting him ready to take to the childminder.

His school teachers have recently made a comment about his slowness in getting himself dressed. My son tells me he likes someoone to help him get into his clothes after PE lessons, as well. I've asked him if his friends get dressed by themselves and he says yes, most of them. He seems to have absolutely no desire to prove he's a big boy and be independent, even in front of his peers. In his mind he's one up if someone gets to dress him, and has 'lost' if he is forced to do it himself.

It takes me longer to cajole and threaten him into his clothes than takes me to dress him - should I just give up the fight for the moment?

We had a similar situation with our DD, except she was the youngest at the time, so it wasn't really of much consequence to my mornings. However, it came about in a conversation one day that only I was dressing her (she was 8 btw) and she cheerfully dressed herself when Daddy did the school run! It definitely was a win/lose situation, with her, the little monkey!!

I would be inclined to try Batter's advice, if you can, although it might be an idea to rule out any possiblity of your DS having coordination problems or something that would make him less dexterous than other children? What about changing the order in which you do things, eat first, then dress? Good luck!

Sympathy to you Tigermoth1. Its so hard to have pressures from all round like that. Have you tried " backward chaining eg starting off with him doing the last bit of everything by himself anand getting a great big tick on a special chart fo it with no end reward other than the large number of ticks that he'll accumulate. Eg do a deal that on the 1 st day he'll have to do the last button of his shirt. if this goes ok proceeed to last 2 if not stick at last button for a bit aaaaand do not help him under any circumstances ( after all it won't matter if its not done but if it is you can give big praise and a tick.) After that you just work backwards so he gradually does it all himself. Otherwise be very bored with the whiole procedure wheree you do have to be involved still and do all your bit with minimal discussion... maybe he likes the extra attention from you even if its negative...its a bit of special mummy even if not the best quality! if he gets dressed quickly by himslef maybe he'd have time for eg a quick story or something? that's what did it for our 5 yr old...
good luck

Tigermoth1 - to save your sanity, I would be inclined to say leave it as it's nearly the end of term and try again next term. I still dress my eldest ds (age 5) simply because he is so slow(basically lazy, I think) and still manages to put things on backwards, inside out etc! Infact, the other day he went to school wearing 3 pairs of pants! I didn't know about this until after the school day because he told me he'd asked one of his teachers to help him take the extra pairs off - they must think he's got a halfwit for a mother (and some may say that they would be right!)

Funnily enough, I was going to put up a posting about the very bad mornings I am having at the moment with my little 'treasures'. They are driving me mad, well the eldest 2 anyway, by being totally uncooperative and winding each other up all the time (it's the same after school too!) I've given up getting them to dress themselves/clean their teeth etc. as that was just turning into a joke (and not a very funny one!) but even simple instructions like "Get in the car" they have to turn into a battle and either go in the opposite direction or do a really, really, really slow walk . This is just one example of the many delights I face every morning. I try to be patient with them, but when you've got 3 kids and yourself to get ready in the morning, time is against you anyway, so it's not easy. I'm hoping that it is just an 'end-of-term' thing and that after a refreshing(?) Christmas break, things may be better. Talking to a friend today, she said that she was also being 'psycho-mum' at the moment as her's were driving her round the bend, so I feel better that I'm not the only one!

Tigermoth - my eldest is only 4.5, so I have no experience of 7 yr olds - but what does your son do for an hour downstairs before getting dressed? My son was faffing about in the mornings, and driving us all crazy, so we just made a rule that he didn't come downstairs until he was dressed. Yes, he sometimes puts his clothes on back to front, often deliberately, I think, but nursery teachers are quite used to this, and no-one seems to mind. If he gets dressed quickly enough, he gets a story, or to watch a bit of a video or something before breakfast. If he takes ages, he doesn't. But it has transformed our mornings - he sometimes takes a while and gets distracted, but he just gets on with it himself, and it doesn't turn the house into a battleground before 8 am, which I hate.

I think I would definitely start afresh next term - make it clear to him what you expect, and that you will tell him only once. Could you possibly arrange to have a day-off, or late start, expecting to take him to school in PJs, if your dh is not prepared to do this?

Sorry, this all sounds so dogmatic - you're probably thinking "she's got no idea - I'll be laughing when her kids are 7!" Hope some of these ideas help, anyway.

Tigermoth, I don't know if anyone else has suggested this but could you fasten most of the buttons when you're putting his clothes out and let him pull his shirt over his head?

My 13 yr-old rarely unbuttons his, only the top 2 or 3 (and he doesn't fasten the top one ever because his neck is too big) and the shirts go through the wash and onto hangers like that (poly-cotton - tumble dry - no ironing!) and he just pulls them on.

It might smooth out your mornings, and his getting-dressed-after-PE if he remembers not to undo them all.

I bet there are things he can do better or quicker than the others, too - they just don't show up as much!

KMG, same here my DS doesn't go downstairs in the morning until he's dressed. I put it all on his radiator so it's warm but he only has a polo shirt and sweatshirt so no fiddly buttons. R.

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Sorry, I know I shouldn't be laughing at this but loved the "really slow walk to the car" bit. My daughter still likes to be babied as well, wants to be carried EVERYWHWERE. As soon as we get out of the car her "legs are tired". Sorry, I know this isn't being supportive but that comment struck a chord.

Lol Tinker, my 5 yr old dd does this too at bedtime..."my legs are too floppy" and wants to be carried to bed!

With the dressing thing Tigermoth, I think tufty's advice was great. Any praise for any effort is the best thing, rather than pyjama threats and belittling comments about not being a big boy etc., which makes dressing seem a negative experience.

I have the same problem with my dawdling dd mind you, and the only thing that seems to work with her is to turn off the tv and to tell her if she is dressed and ready for school by 8.15 she will have time to draw or colour in (her favourite things to do at the moment!) before we go. Maybe if your ds has a favourite game or pastime you can offer that as a reward for being ready (as opposed to a punishment by denial if he's not!) In other words make sure he's aware beforehand what he could get for cooperating, rather than telling him afterwards that it is too late.

If your mornings are hectic as most mum's morning are, maybe he is just looking for some one on one time with you and he thinks he has hit on a solution! Even though it might be mum ranting or being cross (been there, done that), it's still mum's full attention, as tufty suggested...Is there any way you can give him a different kind of attention, arrange things so you sit and have breakfast together and talk, or maybe your dh could dress your other son instead of you, and you could take over breakfast or teeth? I know mornings can be a nightmare but it sounds like it might be worth trying a change in routine to see if it will help!

The only other thing I would say is to ask his teacher if he has any fine motor skill difficulty, eg writing, threading, cutting, tracing etc. As he is still not dressing himself in front of his friends at school maybe there is a deeper problem, but it would be worth finding out if dressing is the extent of it.

If he is otherwise fine then it is probably just attention seeking or simply dependence on you as his "dresser"! Children should be largely self-dressing by age 3 or 4...if he is used to you doing it for him maybe he's just never bothered to learn. I know it seems easier to do it yourself when you are in a hurry, but in the end they think they are unable to do it themselves.

So basically I think the encouragement for any effort and a chart would be a really good start; also to check with his teacher on any other aspects...let us know how you go!

what can I say but isn't it nice knowing that whilst your own house is in mayhem every morning up and down the country there are lots of others trying to keep equally calm and get everyone ready!
My 3 yr olds favourite trick at the moment is to try to do a weee "like Daddy" just as we're about to leave the house. THis means 50% is in the loo and the rest is on his clothes, requiring a complete change! Ho hum
Nearly holidays!
hang in there everyone.. LOL