Playdate child bit and scratched DD2 today, need to nip this in the bud, need some help

[sweetkitty]

So the history is, DD1 has made a little friend at nursery this little girl we shall call A, A is a year younger than DD1 but about 9 months older than DD2 although she will be in the same year at school as DD2. Anyway we found out that she lives a street away and she has been coming round with her Mum and younger sister every week or we go round to theres, I have got quite friendly with the Mum and the younger sister is lovely.

A is very demanding though, the first time she came in she demanded the TV on (we don't have it on during the day), she whinges and cries a lot as well. Anyway it's obvious that she only wants to play with DD1, DD2 is being totally left out, they were really nasty to her today, calling her names and shutting the bedroom door (it's DD2's room as well), every 5 mins DD2 was coming in saying "A called me X, A scratched me (she did) then A bit her not hard but it did leave a mark). The Mum did keep telling A off but it had no effect whatsoever, I told DD1 off for it as well. The thing is A is not a nice little girl really I know that's a terrible thing to say but for instance I said who wants an ice lolly they all said "ME" of course, A started screaming she wasn't getting one and I said of course you are, then she said "I want the biggest one, DD2 I'm getting the biggest one, you aren't getting one" this happens all the time.

I don't know what to do or how to broach the subject with her Mum she obviously knows theres a problem as she said she had told A to behave when she came round today, my options are a) don't tell them to come round or go round but then I miss an afternoon of adult company b) send DD1 round to play by herself and keep DD2 here c) try to work at including DD2 in their games but it's hard as there is a 12 mo and 18mo to entertain as well d) tell DD1 to include DD2 more but to be fair it's really A that's the instigator not DD1, DD1 and 2 play well together as it is.

Any advice, sorry for the essay but I cannot have DD2 getting bit. Oh DD1 is 5 and DD2 is 3 1/2

This is absolutely not your problem, it's her mothers. Don't socialise with them if you think this is going to happen. If I was the mother of the bitee I would have immediately removed her from the situation because to allow her to continue merrily playing says 'it's okay to bite and bully younger kids'

There will be other mums you can make friends with. Or maybe the kid will grow out of it (doesn't sound like it if it's not tackled). It's a shame for you but it's teaching both your kids really bad lessons if you let it continue (e.g mum condones bullying because she let's the little bugger come back and do it again).

it sounds as though A isn't used to having to cut it with more than one other child around, is taking out her resentment (normal, sibling resentment) of her little sister on your dd2 by lording it over her and identifying with your dd1

could you have a chat with your dd1 about being a responsible big sister and about helping this little girl to understand how big sisters behave and how to look after littler ones and be kind?

I wouldn't stop them from playing together (although I am in no way belittling the trauma of having your baby bitten and excluded and bullied )

I'm not sure you'll get much joy out of her mum - with the best will in the world she can't control how her dd behaves when she is out of her siht, and it's possible her dd doesn't behave like this at home

I would have her over again and be much more "ever-present" for the first hour or so, stepping in and reminding about kindness and sharing and playing on the "of course you're a Big Sister, A, so you know all about this"

sounds tricky though!

OOOOH the mum was there when it happened?

I really should have read the OP properly

could you say next time it starts to get hairy "Girls, if you can't share and play nicely A's mummy will have to take her home"?

A does behave like this at home her little sister still has the scratch marks from 2 weeks ago to prove it.

She is basically very spoilt in that she gets what she wants to shut her up I think. Her Mum has often said to me "it's easier for you as you have DD1 and 2 and they are close in age and play together, A is so demanding"

I think you need to see a bit less of the child and Mum. Sorry. Your dd will make other friends at school

Yes her Mum was there, and I went out and told both A and DD1 a few times to play nice with DD2, DD1 also got put in the naughty corner as well for a separate incident.

Mum took A into kitchen walloped her on the bum and told her she was grounded i.e. couldn't go out to play tonight with the other kids in her street, A seemed v upset and was crying "sorry"

I did warn DD1 and told her DD2 is her little sister and she has to look after, in fairness to DD1 she is usually v good with DD2 but not when A is here apparently.

I think you've just told us what the problem is

"DON'T hurt other people [whack]"

I'd distance myself then, sorry. Awful for A and a shame for your girls, but there's nothing you can do unless you can reeducate the mother.

If A came over by herself she could learn the rules of your house. (as opposed to repeating the rules of her house which don't seem to be working too well). It could be the making of A.

Don't be too hard on A (or her mum) - she isn't nice now but may be lovely later. Your daughters will do awful things at some point too.

can you invite her over when DD1 is out on a playdate?

Three is ALWAYS a crowd, imo, especially with little girls. If she only has DD2 to play with she will have to get along or play by herself.

Then hopefully once she and DD2 have built up a bit of a bond you can reintroduce DD1.

thanks for your suggestions it does help to mull things over

lingle - I don't think I am being too hard on A she is only a 4 yo little girl but at the same time I have to look after DD2. DD1 is off to school in a week so if A continues to come over it will only be DD2 and her for a while I think that will help. I do think that A thinks because DD1 was in her nursery class she is her friend and that DD2 is an extra.

I have 3 daughters this is just the start isn't it?

Well, although smacking isn't good, at least the mum isn't ignoring the problem, just appears she doesn't know how to deal with naughty behaviour.

You need to come up with a strategy together and be consistent with it. A, at 4yrs old is old enough to understand that biting, and being mean to your DD2 is unacceptable.

Have you got any books you could go through together so it looks like it's not coming from you, iyswim. Timeout might be a good method for A, each time she is mean, remove her from the situation so she basically gets left out for being mean, which is a natural consequence of this type of behaviour anyway.

If someone walloped their child in my house it would be the last time they were ever invited. I'm not surprised the girl is violent if she has parents who hit her.

I'd be giving them a wide berth for a few months - see if she grows out of it - then you could always try again. your dd will meet plenty of other kids at school and it isn't worth the hassle

Normalserviceresumes, I can understand your perspective, I agree that smacking is totally out of order and ineffective, however, if the op never sees her friend again this wont stop the child from being smacked. Coming up with a discipline strategy together just might help change the mother's behaviour too.