Does it always have to be about bribing? rewarding? why can't they just understand that this is the right thing to do?!

[joburg]

We are ready to go on holiday to visit grandma and i just freek out thinking about the last time we were there, when DD (5 1/2 at that time) behaved like a monster. Nothing stoped her until i set the damn' chart in place and she could see the black dots instead of the damn' stars .... when is this going to end? when is it just gonna be 'i do this because it's the right thing to do' .... i know, i know, silly question, it's just that i feel so fed up with not being able to just explain things and instead having to 'buy' the good behavior with stars and so on ..... aaaaaarrrrgghhhhhhh! I'm fed up with those charts!
Am i doing something wrong here? DD is 6. Shouldn't she have started already some time ago to understand right from wrong? I am afraid she is already dependant on the little rewards and that i am using this reward system wrongly!

It works when you have been doing it for long enough! It's like everything, you have to make it your way of life...

Yes of course fabbakergirl. The doctors here weigh and measure children at every appointment and discuss nutrition!

Do you think it's a great idea to instill a fear of fatness in a 4.9 year old? TBH I've steered clear of the "you can't have xy or z because it'll make you fat" becuase I reckon that could open a huge can of worms.

On the "How to talk..." book it is great but you have to keep at it. I re-read bits of mine last night after an unpleasant afternoon when a smiley face chart went horribly wrong. Today has been so much better.

I do actually believe in telling the truth to my child, and explaining the outcomes of behaviours clearly in terms that she can take on board - which is not the same as "instilling a fear of fatness" .

BAna, i do agree with you and i tried this with DD also. Liath, i told my daughter about all the 'bacterias' that are gonna eat her but if she doesn't clean properly, it did work but only for about 2 days Do you think it was too hard from my part? Liath, why not talk about geting fat to the kid? I had my DD laughing out loud at an overweight person when she was just 4.5. Now if they can laugh at it, shouldn't they start to understand about it ?

I don't know, joburg. As I said I find the whole fat thing a can of worms. I would feel a total failure as a mother if either of my kids became obese but equally I wouldn't want to go down the whole "fat is BAD, if you eat lots of sweets you'll end up FAT and you wouldn't want that would you?" kind of thing. Honestly, I think that "staying slim" is a very odd reward for a 4 year old and not one I'd use personally. Surely it's better to focus on eating healthily, teaching kids how to cook etc without homing in on the staying slim vs getting fat thing?

I would agree that you need to ditch the star charts -she shouldn't be rewarded for something that she should be doing anyway.
I would sit down with her and explain that she is now a big girl and that she doesn't need star charts. I would be quite honest and tell her that you are thinking of a different way of doing things. Decide on a few basic rules together and write them down. I would also ask her what fun type things she would like to do at Grandma's house and write them down -if you agree that they are possible. I wouldn't make one reliant on the other, but I would try and catch her being good and give her a lot of attention. I would try and ignore the bad as much as possible-just keep calm and say, in conversational tone,what a shame you won't xxxx that is one of the things we wrote down. Try and use non confrontational language-instead of saying 'we won't go out until you put your shoes on,' try 'when you have put your shoes on we will go out'.
I would try giving her responsibilities and jobs e.g.help you get a meal ready, try and make it fun and then say 'I really enjoy it when you are helpful - I hate having to get cross'.
After a few days review the list-ask her how she thinks it went what was difficult, easy etc-does she want to change anything (all without seeming to blame-more as an inquiry). Out of the fun things what did she like best-does she want to do it again?
However you do it try to give her more responsibility especially for her own behaviour.