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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

is too much praise bad?

36 replies

mrshibbins · 30/07/2009 17:15

had HUGE row with OH yesterday because he sees my refusal to inflate SD's (8) abilities as me being horrid and mean to her.

What happened was this: we were out for a meal, and a family friend said to her 'I bet you are good at sport, aren't you?' and my SD said 'mmm, no...' and I said I 'ummmmm not really' and my OH said "Yes, she's brilliant at sport." and then had a right go at me in front of family friend for not being encouraging. In fact SD as she admits hates sport, wont catch a ball, and sees all sport as not being 'girly' and just generally makes no effort, moans all the time if she has to even walk anywhere...

This is part of an ongoing problem with us - OH absolutely lavishes praise upon his DD (an only child), about anything and everything, which I think just devalues the praise and is giving her totally unrealistic ideas about her abilities - which are ... at best mediocre (sorry SD).

I think he is turning her into a very conceited child and also into a praise junky - she just can't live without it and demands it constantly (e.g. i'm really good at drawing aren't I? do you like this I did, it's great isn't it? did you see me, aren't I the just best? i'm just so good at this, aren't I? i look so cool/cute in this don't I? I'm really beautiful, aren't I? everyone says I could be a model, don't they dad? All the boys want to be my boyfriend etc etc it's just constant all day long).

My policy has always been praise where praise is due and encourage her to do her best, and better herself where she can and not to give her unrealistic ideas about her abilities and talents ...

I know he thinks he's being kind and loving but I just think he's setting her up for awful disappointment, to not have any real sense of that golden glow you get when YOU know yourself when you have done something really well....

WTF? Am I doing this wrong? Should you tell children they are wonderful at everything regardless?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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edam · 30/07/2009 19:26

Oh, sorry, when you said step-mother I was imagining the usual set up with divorced parents, as in she'd have her own mother who she lived with at least half the time... oops.

Gosh, you have all had a bloody hard time. No wonder she's a bit insecure/dh is over-praising like mad/you are trying to redress the balance!

Needs a bit more than the standard advice about being specific with praise, then...

Must be tricky for dh - do you think the sport thing is a symptom of him hoping desperately she doesn't turn out like her Mum?

Original poster

mrshibbins · 30/07/2009 19:41

yes, edam i do think so ... he was a very sporty and arty child (not so sporty now mr beer baby! hah! although he is still an artist) and he sooo wants his DD to turn out like him and NOT to turn out like her mum ... so there is a lot of expectation and hope on her to be arty and sporty. he keeps trying to get her to do sporty stuff with him but it just doesn't work out. i just think she should go with what she likes eg fashion and trendy stuff, so i talk to her about maybe being a beautician or a hairdresser or something like that. i got her a fashion model game for her nintendo ds for her birthday and she is really enjoying it.

tbh i think i'm a bit exhausted and very pre-menstrual and ratty. not my usual self.

OH doing a gig in london tonight which i have opted out of, even though i could really use a night out we're still very techy with each other. And SD has a sleepover. So I am home alone to reflect upon my sins and shortcomings, which are many ...

OP posts:

edam · 30/07/2009 20:30

Don't be so daft, MrsH, sounds like you have been handling very difficult circs. extremely well!

edam · 30/07/2009 20:32

But the thing about dh being keen to suppress aspects of dd that are like her mother is really, really complicated. He has to let her be who she is, rather than try to squish her personality for fear that she'll turn out like her Mum.

mum24uk · 30/07/2009 20:45

I want to praise you for actully steping in and being a parent to a child that isn't natruly yours and guess what - you'll get it wrong sometimes, like all the other mothers here. we aint perfect!

I think the fact that your seeking advice is brill. Well done you !! xx

(my child is only 18 months, so im not at that stage to comment on ur situation)

Original poster

mrshibbins · 30/07/2009 21:13

thanks to everyone for all your comments, all of them. there is a most magnificent sunset over the fields right now, i have a large glass of nice red wine and i am running a deep bath. just got a text from OH in london with several kisses on it which is a relief. there are an awful lot worse places i could be in the world right now, no matter how bad it sometimes seems .... and i'm finally getting a trip to the hairdressers tomorrow to get my increasingly grey roots sorted out!

OP posts:

edam · 31/07/2009 11:11

Glad the thread has helped!

Mum24's right, no parent is perfect, whatever the biological relationship with the child. I'm sure ds will turn round one day and list in huge detail everything I got wrong...

Grammaticus · 31/07/2009 13:44

Then it's lovely that you have things to do together that you both enjoy and which will build your relationship. I suppose I was thinking of you learning a new skill together or engaging in some new activity that would challenge you both and which you could then master together - to show her the value of hard work and perseverance without your OH sticking his oar in! I don't know what would appeal - karate classes are often adults and children together, climbing, a musical instrument maybe?

fizzpops · 31/07/2009 14:01

I read the title and was going to pile in and say of course not. My DH and I were discussing last night how well our DD (15mths) responds to praise and we want to be as positive as possible with her so she gains confidence.

Having said this your SD is much older and should be able to cope with some gentle constructive criticism. Perhaps it would be kinder to avoid negative opinions though as these can become concrete ideas about things they are not good at/ don't like/ can't eat which are very hard to shift later.

I do think all building up and no caution is a terrible thing for anyone. You only have to see how shocked some people are on the X Factor and particularly American Idol when Simon Cowell says they can't sing. All they have heard is their family saying how wonderful they are and as a result have been humiliated and devastated on TV.

edam · 01/08/2009 13:43

fizz - reality TV talent contests are a bit more complicated than that. The researchers really flatter contestants, convincing them they are brilliant at each step, until they get in front of the judges and are torn apart. Exploiting people makes good TV.

fizzpops · 01/08/2009 17:19

I was talking more about contestants such as that poor girl who was on X Factor singing 'My Heart Will Go On' (I think) and her Dad had made her dress and the whole family were there saying what a great voice she had etc etc.

Cue the anti-climax as she opens her mouth to sing.

And the American contestants who have not been brought up with a 'not good enough' mentality - anyone can have a dream that comes true, regardless of possessing any talent.

I am sure that the programme makers are ruthless in their exploitation of what people want to hear but it isn't the first time they have heard it.

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