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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DD 3.6 rejects DH and wants me to do everything

16 replies

Monkeyandbooba · 30/07/2009 09:38

Have you had this and how did you deal with it? She says 'I don't like you Daddy I love Mama' Occurs a lot at bedtime and we have massive battles when DH does the bedtime routine stuff. Ends up with her sobbing and DH feeling grumpy and rejected and I feel miserable

Got a DS too.

OP posts:

bigchris · 30/07/2009 09:44

does he take her out on her own? something fun lime going to see ice age at the cinema? or just doing jigsaws and reading books together
without meaning to sound horrid do you tend to takeover? how about organising a night out with the girls during bedtime so dh has tk do alone and dd knows you arent going to takeover if she plays up?

Original poster

Monkeyandbooba · 30/07/2009 09:48

He does lots of fun stuff with her on their own (DS is still little and BF so I can't go out during bedtime at the moment although I did pre- DS). I do leave him to deal with it and don't take over but it is heartbreaking for us all so want some strategies to help sort this out.

OP posts:

thenameiwantedwastaken · 30/07/2009 12:09

Just a thought - could this be more about her wanting mummy time than rejecting daddy? Maybe if DS is downstairs cuddling up to you and bf-ing she feels like she's missing out on something/ getting the second option when daddy tucks her in?

I say this as mother of only 1 but a former jealous big sister whop at 4 yrs old demanded to be fed only angel delight when her sister was born (my poor mother!)

fluffyanimal · 30/07/2009 12:15

I think first of all you need to find ways of getting back involved with the bedtime routine which is a special time (I need to think of this too as am about to have dc2 any day and foresee this with my ds1...). But also, how you deal with the daddy rejection is important. I saw this kind of scenario once on Tanya Byron, and she made sure the favoured parent went to give the rejected parent a big cuddle, all the while ignoring the child, and having the parents and the other dc going into another room for few moments. I think the point was to reinforce affection for the rejected parent at the expense of the child's attention. it really worked on the TV prog anyway.

phdlife · 30/07/2009 12:19

I have this prob with ds (2.3) but he's always been like it - since he was 10 weeks old. they have a hoot playing and dh always does the bath/pj's routine, but bedtime is a whole nother nightmare. Shall watch this thread for useful advice!

bigchris · 30/07/2009 17:33

how about doing bedtime altogether and see what happens, so dh cuddles dd in bed while you read a story and feed ds so dd sees it as a whoke family thing? and put ds in the bath with dd before bed and both you and dh make loads of fuss if both of them

Original poster

Monkeyandbooba · 30/07/2009 18:48

OUr bedtime routine is currently like this:

We all go upstairs and then we alternate children so one day DH sorts DD and I sort DS and then the following night I'll sort DD and he'll do DS.

Get both children undressed and DS will wait in his room with some toys whilst DD has a wee and brushes her teeth (whoever is sorting DD that night will help DD) then both children go in the bath. We then dry our child of the night(!) and get them dressed for bed. Both children then into DDs room for a story (whoever is sorting DD will read the story, if it is my turn to sort DS then I will feed him whilst DD has her story read if it is my turn to read to DD then DH will hold DS and I'll have DD on my lap whilst reading.

So we try and have equal amounts of time with each child at bedtime but the nights DH takes charge of DD are a nightmare. It was my turn tonight so all was well but I am dreading tomorrow night!

OP posts:

LittleMissMummy · 30/07/2009 20:10

Monkeyandbooba - cant really give advice on this as my DD is only 11 weeks but just wanted to say your wee bedtime routine sounds so cute! Sorry I know your having some problems with it but it all sounds lovely - family all together for the evening - also sounds like you and DH are a great wee team

Original poster

Monkeyandbooba · 30/07/2009 22:18

Thank you that means a lot. Also why I feel so frustrated because we do try hard to ensure that we have that time together at the end of the day.

Hopefully it is just a phase that will pass soon!

OP posts:

Vmama · 01/08/2009 20:07

If it's any consolation I have the same problem but the opposite way round. My 2.5 year old DS constantly rejects me in favour of his daddy and it breaks my heart. I do everything I can to do more with him and often take him out on my own but he just prefers his dad and always has done.

He's fine with me when we're on our own but always wants his dad if we're all out together which is hard going for both of us. We've had many rows and tears about it and I'm beginning to just resign myself to it but it still breaks my heart and I feel like I'm failing as a mummy because aren't kids supposed to need their mummy the most?

jelliebelly · 01/08/2009 20:18

We have had this with ds (3.10) rejecting dh for the last few months but now (hopefully!)we seem to be turning the corner. All started 6 months ago when dd was born - he has always been a "mummy's boy" and I suspect that it has been more to do with wanting time with me than not wanting time with dh. We have just been away for a week on holiday when ds and dh got to spend loads of time together on their own and this seems to have helped him turn the corner. I really do think that it is a phase that will work itself out eventually provided that dh can remain strong and not take the comments personally (dh managed this brilliantly but I know that I wouldn't have done if it was the other way around). Typical conversation:-
ds: I don't like you daddy I want mummy to do bath tonight (accompanied by tears and wailing)
dh: I want to do bath tonight, I like bathtime
ds: but I said I don't like you daddy
dh: well it's a good job that I still like you then isn't it
ds: I still want mummy to do it
dh: well mummy isn't going to do it so you'll just have to put up with me...
after bath, teeth, stories etc.
dh: night night ds, I love you
ds: I still don't like you...

Fortunately dh has a thick skin and a sense of humour and I think that this is what helped more than anything

Katenotts · 26/01/2010 13:22

Jelliebelly, you are so lucky with your dh. We have the same problem, but mine says, "well, I don't like you either" and storms off, leaving me to cope with a really really upset 2.5 year old and a crying 5 year old who is upset on behalf of her brother and her daddy. God, please let this phase pass. It is driving me mad!

mammamia25 · 26/01/2010 13:33

Vmama, I have it this way round too. While generally I have a very good relationship with my dd (2.5), she only wants dh to put her to bed, and get her up in the morning. If I go in to her first in the morning she screams "No, mummy, no" and waves me away hysterically - an observer would, 'm sure, hink she was expecting me to harm her , which makes me feel awful. Will keep checking this thread for tips - but like the one about getting the favoured parent to give me a cuddle to show I'm not completely rejected!

Arianrhod · 26/01/2010 15:11

Here's another one hoping it's just a phase that will pass really soon!!

Glad to read these posts here, since DD (3.1) has suddenly decided she only wants mummy to do anything for her whereas previously she mostly wanted DP to do everything; for example, DP and DD were playing together in her bedroom one morning, I went in to join them and it was "no mummy, you go in the other room". Fortunately I saw the funny side of it at the time But she's suddenly decided DP mustn't do anything for her, she doesn't want to cuddle him when he's around (she used to be all over him), unless of course he's not there and then she desperately wants him. Driving me a little bit nuts, fortunately DP is mostly taking it in his stride although a bit hurt, I can tell.

Please let this phase be over soooooooon!!

Skimty · 26/01/2010 19:11

I'm quite strict about this with DS (3)actually.

He has a tendency to cling to me and it's not fair on me, DH or even him. So I explain that I don't like him being unkind to Daddy and he doesn't have a choice. We have a sticker chart for going to bed without whinging.

Obviously if he's ill etc. then it's different but he has lots of time alone with me (15month old DD naps quiet regularly and we go out at the weekend together) and he needs his Daddy.(And I need to Mumsnet )

mrsmarzipan · 27/01/2010 20:57

I have exactly the same situation and it started once Ds was born 11 months ago with dd.

It is a game to her to see if she can get her own way, she wants me all the time if daddy is home and quite often says "i don't like daddy", "i love you mummy not daddy" etc.. and i have to do bathtime, teeth etc.. otherwise she gets hysterical. She has now started wanting Daddy when he is at work and crys for him however as soon as he is home she is back to me!

It assume it is her working out boundarys and seeing how far she can push us to do what she wants.
I hope its a phase as it drives me demented and must really get to DH even though he trys to not let it bother him.
i always said i wanted a "mummys girl" when she was tiny and now it has come and bitten me on the bum!!!!

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