Confident 5 yo suddenly becoming clingy

[misty]

I hope someone out there can give me some advice - I am desperate! My 5 yo ds has always been ultra confident - always dived into any situation without so much as a backward glance, never shy and certainly didn't want mum or dad hanging around. However over the last couple of months he has slowly changed to a little boy who won't play in the (secure) back garden by himself, keeps asking 'are you ok mum?' if I am upstairs and he is downstairs by himself, has started to get upset just as he is about to go into school and says 'I will miss you', got upset for the first time when went to his usual swimming lesson last week (because I wasn't staying to watch; never used to be an issue), absolutely won't sit in the car at the front of the house while I am packing up the car (gets hysterical if he is strapped in and I dissappear into the house to get something) and a few other general things.
We've done all the usual things, such as try and find out if something/someone has upset him at school or if he has watched something on t.v. which has frightened him, but to no avail. He seems to be getting worse, and we don't know what to do!

Misty - my ds1 (now 12) went into this phase at exactly the same age, and I asked the same things you have, but never really got to the bottom of it. My advice - learned the hard way! - is to go with it: give him ALL the comfort and reassurance he needs: brief his teacher as well. He may have seen or heard something that he can't put into words for you because he doesn't quite understand it: my son had become aware that not everyone at school had a mummy and a daddy at home and for some reason that terrified him. He was petrified that I would leave, and there is no quick solution to building their confidence back up. It does pass, though, as my noisy independent 12 year old can testify!

I think some children can become aware, at this age, of things like illness, death and other less pleasant aspects of life. Maybe your little boy has discovered something like that and doesn't want to tell you about it, in case 'it comes true' sort of thing? I agree with Gilli, you have to go with it and make them feel as reassured as possible. It will pass eventually, I'm sure.

misty, no advice but we've had something similr recently - ds (5.5yo) suddenly started not wanting to go upstairs on his own, downstairs on his own if we were upstairs, said he didn't want to be left at parties etc. and it was all quite out of character. It seems to be better now and I have no idea why it happened or why it seems to have abated so maybe it was just a phase and it's over. Just thought I'd let you know that you're not alone. We kept being reassuring but couldn't really do much else at the time.

Misty, I agree with the others about how this is a phase that affects many, many children around your ds' age, apparently. Libby Purves sums it up really well in her book "Nature's Masterpiece" - they just suddenly move on from being totally sure of the world, their parents and surroundings, to having the beginnings of awareness of things like bad news, war, bereavement and uncertainty. As the others have said, she recommends going with the flow, not belittling or trying to dismiss their concerns (however kindly done) and just giving them space to get through this phase. Our ds has just started on the "I miss you" stuff too and it is really disconcerting when they have previously been such confident little guys.

I am so pleased to hear all your comments, as Misty could have been talking about my ds (5yrs 6mths). He is EXACTLY the same at the moment, he used to be so confident, would go up to children who were complete strangers to him and ask if he could play, didn't want me following him around and adored going to playgroup. Since starting school he as become a lot more shy, quiet and clingy. He says things to me like 'I hate school, because I am there for so long, I don't see you much'. It breaks my heart, of course, he has to go. I am glad to hear it is a passing stage.