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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

My daughter's a liar

45 replies

Jix · 29/06/2009 19:53

My 5 year old daughter is an accomplished and serious liar. It's come to a head this evening, when she asked if she could have another chocolate brioche. I said no, but when I went through to the kitchen the packet was next to her on the kitchen table, where she'd been doing some colouring.
She assured me, serious-faced and wide-eyed, that she hadn't taken one. I believed her! Then my son came through asking for a biscuit and I gave him one. She asked for one too.. and a sliver of doubt entered my head about the brioche.
I say: "Hang on.. I can check if you had a brioche by seeing how many are left in the packet!" and I pick it up.
At this point, she breaks into hysterical crying, screaming that she didn't take one.
I look in the packet and there are only 4 left, so there is one that's unaccounted for.
I'm furious but also shocked at how convincing she was.
She's gone to bed, hysterically claiming her innocence; I don't believe her but don't have definitive proof.
Do I just drop it now?
If I do, is it just showing her that she can get away with lying.
I want to encourage her to tell the truth, and in the past have even assured her that there won't be a punishment if she just tells the truth.
She's never cracked and has always point blank denied any charges.
This latest incident has been pretty blatant though hasn't it?
Any advice pleeeeaaase!!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

FAQinglovely · 30/06/2009 00:45

you know custardo I usually agree with you as you speak common sense. But I honestly believe by 5yrs old a child is old enough to not touch stuff (including food) that they're not supposed to.

Tortington · 30/06/2009 00:46

vive la differance!

FAQinglovely · 30/06/2009 00:47

btw - have you come to a decision about your holiday? I've lost it on threads I'm on.

Shitemum · 30/06/2009 00:51

5 yo DD1 did this today. I had just gone down the stairs with DD2 when DD1 called out to warn me there was broken glass on the stairs. I came back up and there it was on the top step near where she was playing.
To cut a long story short she had broken an (unimportant) old piece of crystal from a chandelier.

She wouldn't admit she'd dropped it even when I said I wouldn't be angry with her for breaking it.
I said 'What's worse - me getting a bit annoyed with you or one of you standing on a bit of sharp broken glass with your bare feet?

In the end she owned up.

I think most of the time when they lie they are just afraid of being told off - so maybe we should try not to be disporportionately angry about things that don't matter...

Tortington · 30/06/2009 00:52

dh said no - we rowed about it various comments along the lines of " what the fuck is this 1956 - i'm not asking your permission"

and from him " i don't need to articulate it Custy, its simply a fucking pisstake!"

so we eventually both gave up after some good news from BIL regarding something totally unrelated - had a brew and a fag and had done with it!

FAQinglovely · 30/06/2009 00:54

so are you going or not

Tortington · 30/06/2009 00:56

about accidents and lying - i always said " i won't be angry at you for breaking something, but i will be cross for lying. so tell me the truth and lets see what comes of it!"

thats another thing - apart from the food thing - that gets on my tits - shouting at a kid for accidentally doing something - now if they hit little sister on the nose with a cricket bat becuase she stole his brioche (that was left on the table ) then fair enough

but accidentally dropped a bowl in the kitchen - deserves at the very very worst " oh dear! pass me the dustpan please and get some shoes on!"

Tortington · 30/06/2009 00:57

no not going - i am going with rhubarb next year anyway so happy days!

FAQinglovely · 30/06/2009 00:58

oh yes I agree with you on that - telling off for something that happened accidentally is a shitty thing to do.

FAQinglovely · 30/06/2009 00:59

aww - that sucks about the not going

going with Rhubarb next year sounds good though.

Tortington · 30/06/2009 01:01

pmsl - i was thinking about it - i was conjuring up elaborate work related conferences that took a whole week

but fuck it never mind

Original poster

Jix · 04/07/2009 18:42

Just to clarify -- I'd left the brioche in the bread bin... She's the one who left it on the table!!!
And yes of course I don't mind accidents.
I think the reason I was shocked is because the lie was Sooooooooooooo much more convincing than I would have expected.

OP posts:

joburg · 07/07/2009 10:27

Jix, i read through this thread and i can say i don't agree with many of the things written here. I think i know what you mean when you were shocked about the convincing face she gave to you while teling the lie. I do agree a kid on her age will certainly take the cookie and eat it if left on the counter, or even go searching through the drawers for one, but i also expect our DD to admit it if she did such a thing. lies are smth i just can't take easily.
we used to have the same issue with our daughter for more than a year and i am proud to say, she starts to realise what trust means and starts to show guilt on her face when telling a lie. she still does it from time to time but she has now learnt the guilt of such an act, so it's so much easier to spot it on her face, while previously, when she was just 'running for her life' after doing a naughty thing, she felt no remorse so she was indeed very convincing in her lieing. i think it's just about teaching the principle of truth, and the one of loosing trust.
i was desperate at one time, about a year ago, when she started with all the lies (most of the time, probably, just trying to test our limits) but then one day, when she crossed the line pretty badly, i told her i am not talking to her anymore as long as she is not telling the truth. i just don't want to talk to people who lie to me! i would rather talk to gloria (her teddybear) instead, because gloria never lies to me. then i left the room. she came after me and i insisted that i don't trust her for now and if she has something to tell me, better tell gloria, so gloria can tell it to me. it made a huge impact on DD. a few days later she lied again. i told her i know about it (didn't make a joke of it, on the contrary, i was very serious and explained that in our family we DON'T lie to eachother), then she lied again, then again. the next time she came to me (i knew she was telling the truth this time) i refused to listen to her and told her i can't trust her anymore for today (i made sure i set a time limit, and don't make her feel like she is a lier for ever!) she went back to her room. it didn't take her more than 10 minutes to come back and appologies for her lies. and she was really feeling guilty and sorry for what she did.
it won't stop here, i know it, but at least DD is learning that trust is smth valuable and worth working for and lies should not be taken easily. hope this helped a bit.

bigTillyMint · 07/07/2009 10:35

I knew and old and very experienced teacher (much loved by her pupils and parents) who convinced all her little charges that she would know whether they were lying by looking at their tongues, which would turn black.

She was very successful in getting the truth out of children!

I think you should place alot of value on telling the truth - praise and even reward her when she tells the truth, even if telling the truth could get her into trouble.

I also think that leaving a packet of chocolate brioches out, even in sight, is too much temptation for most five-year-olds [

mrsruffallo · 07/07/2009 10:45

God, joburg, sorry but I can't stand those kind of emotionally blackmailing type games with kids.

I don't find lying that shocking. Little kids are still working stuff out. They live in the moment and want to avoid the inevitable telling off, so they lie to get out of it.

I try to ask in either a big jokey way or make it a general question.

joburg · 07/07/2009 10:50

... oh, and i make sure i do admit my own mistakes in front of DD! i try to explain them in front of her in order for her to understand that it's ok to be wrong, to do mistakes but it is the right thing to do to admit them. she takes great pleasure in talking about it over and over again afterwards, which is damn annoying, but at least she learns that admiting things is the right thing to do.

joburg · 07/07/2009 11:02

mrsruffallo, why do you call them emotionally blackmailing type games? wouldn't you act the same in the adults world? if a friend lies to you, you simply don't give him/her your trust anymore. it's not a game, it's just how life is (teaddybear or real person).
i fully agree with you about kids avoiding the inevitable telling off but they do need to start learning to take account for their own actions (i.e. lies are bad and we all need to be able to admit our bad deeds). do you think it would be better to postpone this learning for later? how late?

Sherried · 09/07/2009 03:12

Hi All. It's my first time posting here. After reading the diverse opinions I must say that I fear trouble in the future for the little liar. Our own little liar (lovingly called a pathamagical liar for most of her childhood) has grown into a 19 year old compulsive liar. She will lie about anything! All the childhood stories we told her in order to promote honesty clearly did not have the desired effect. Over these many years we've tried every approach you can imagine. No consequence ever worked for very long. If I had it to do over again I would engage the services of a professional (counselor/ therapist) early on. This can be a much bigger problem than many parents care to admit. The lies told by our young adult now have the potential to cause great harm and she has assured us repeatedly that she "gets it" and will stop. Hasn't happened yet!!

GorgeousMumOfTwo · 12/07/2009 00:24

I believe the OP should not overlook this. Her instincts are probably right and she needs to help her dd soonest.

Sherried ,I'm sorry about your daughter and i hope she gets over it. I have a sister like that and it's very disturbing.She's 22 years old now. What bothers me most is that she seems to believe her own lies and will never accept they're lies. I think she needs a professional and it's not too late to get one for your dd too. I also have an Uncle and an Aunt like that. Could it be hereditary? Anyone else in your family like that?

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