quite clingy, weepy, non-active toddler, am I doing something wrong?

[mummylonglegs]

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MMLL my eldest DD (now 6) was painfully shy and although chatty and friendly with adults she knew well in the home environment, would never converse or even reply yes/no to anyone outside. She went to the same nursery and pre-school from 2 1/4 to 4 3/4 years and only opened up to the staff and other children in the last 12 months there. She did however seem to enjoy going and listened and would participate (silently) in the activities. My second DD (now 4) is also shy but less so than her elder sister and came out of herself more quickly. With both of them I'd say they hit a stage at about 3 1/2 where they really craved a special friend or little group of friends and become at times just as bossy and animated with their close friends as any non-shy child. So I'd say give your daughter time - there's a good chance she'll begin to open up when she's ready. A familiar environment plus as some other posters have said a burgeoning friendship that can develop in the home and then progress to shared activities outside will likely also help.

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MLL, this must be hard for you because you identify so strongly with her situation. But I wonder whether it might help her if you were to try to detatch yourself emotionally from it a tiny bit. Is it possible that, by empathising with her so strongly, you might in fact be reinforcing her anxieties?
DD has shy tendencies (as do I) but in a situation that has the potential to be frightening, I try to force myself to radiate happy assurance/confidence. I can see her taking the cue from me on this, and it does seem to help. But perhaps you've already tried this and it hasn't worked for you.

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exactly this kind of child! But I've just posted a PROUD thread on 'parenting' - if you read it you'll see why Our 3.5 year old ds is very shy and it takes a lot for him to get used to people/children etc. He's great at home - chatty, happy, etc. but doesn't like being in busy playgrounds/parks and hates it when people start to talk to him - he'll never respond and usually bury his face or hide away. But, he's doing really well at nursery now - and this has only been in the last few months, so there's plenty of time for things to improve. He's now got friends!!! Something dp and I really worried about a year ago - he's starting to really like and look forward to nursery and happily tells us what's been going on.

We've tried not to push him into being more sociable and his grandparents (he sees them at least every week but it still takes a while sometimes for him to start talking to them) understand and give him space which is great.

Just try not to worry as she'll probably sense it and wait until she's ready to socialise - honestly the difference in our ds in the last few months has been amazing and when he was your dd's age I wouldn't have believed it, so fingers crossed she'll come out of her shell over the next year or so!

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I'm glad I am not the only mum with such a shy child. I have a 10month old boy who has been going to coffee mornings, classes and toddlers groups since he was 2 months old, and one would think I am torturing him! He doesn't join in with others as he isn't crawling or moving around and If he had his own way he would stay at home or be out at the park with me and noone else! It's hard to know how far to push ones child isn't it as sensitivity should be nurtured and not pounded, but it's a thin line.. I no longer feel that I have the only shy child, thank you all!

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Yes It's good your daugther is trying. We forget it must be so hard to have to learn everything, and once they've mastered one aspect, their perspective and understanding changes and we wonder why they are nervous again!
I think it must be best to support and be sensitive to thier needs. My husband apparently was 6 before his mother said he was emotionally ready to start being independent. He is a very social adult, however has kept his guard which serves him well in life! Lessons we all have to learn huh!

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Hi MLL

Both me and my husband appear outgoing but are secretly shy on the inside and winch at loud aggressive types! I wonder whether shyness is nature or nurture. My son was always from day one not wanting a lot of fuss, like my husband and I, but during the last 3 months, he cries as soon as another child makes a noise above a certain sound level, which as you know they do when they are having fun or not, and the sound level isn't high. It's as though he is upset that they are in pain or upset, which is very sweet when you think about it, but frustrating that you have to leave or he becomes inconsolably upset. Fortunately other parents don't take it to heart, but some babies find it funny and shout out to watch him cry, and then giggle and do it over and over again, cheeky monkey's! I'm sure he will grow out of it in his own time and until that day I shall continue to supportedly push a little more each day for him. Good luck to you also!!

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she sounds adorable, and obviously has a sensitive soul

My dd is a bit similar to this and also living in dodgy bit of SE london (although not as scarey as I thought when I first moved here) - so really interesting reading all the postings. My daughter is 18 months but seems to be get more clingy, so much so that she reaches meltdown when I go to the toilet at playgroup and I can hear her screaming for me. I just feel that I've done something wrong - either given her my shy genes or overmummied her (my huge failure to delegate care to anyone else excpet husband). I can see this getting progressively worse so doing all I can do to stop it (playgroups, NCT mornings, etc) but feel that it's having the opposite effect. Trying to believe she will grow out of it but really frustratign cos I can see that other mums think she's highly strung and prickly - she does have an array of dirty looks that she can flash anyone she is cautious of - so she doesn't even come across as shy just unfriendly. Esp as her 'best friend' is really affectionate and dd really doesn't know how to handle it. looking into montessori pre-schools in the area but not sure whether they'll be any good

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It's difficult isn't it Jellymum. I am sure people think my son is unfriendly and that he would do better for a good bought in nursery! I personally think it would make him more clinging, but who knows. Like you we go to NCT mornings and playgroups and everyone else children are all smiling and friendly, and my son will look away or cry if anyone gets too near. Sweet little boy! If you find anything works I'll be interested in hearing about it

Hi again
dd just had a really nice play with her friend this afternoon (after a diffiuclt morning) so maybe I'm just over concerned. I was told that they just get like this from 18 months then grow out of it eventually, but dd's been like this on and off since about 8 months. i do think she'd be a lot worse if I didn't take her out as much though as getting to know the people and different environments really has helped. It also helps that I am more relaxed with everyone if she does reach meltdown
btw mummylonglegs i live in Hither Green when I want to sound posh, catford when I'm more honest and there's montessoris in lewisham, blackheath, greenwich and forest hill as far as I'm aware

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my ds was very shy too, when we went to toddler groups he would only play with me and no other children, he is a only child and is now 3 and half and in all that time has only been left with my sister for half a hour, he started at nursery in jan and it has taken up until now for him to be enjoying it and going the full 2 and half sessions, he would cry and say he wanted to be with mummy, so i would only leave him for half a hour, it upset me but i perservered and i am glad i did, cus he is really enjoying it now, still does'nt have any friends tho, spends most of the time there with the nursery helper who he has become attached to. I think i may have been over protective with him, because he is my only child.

Hi mml

Have you thought about taking her maybe to a childminder for a day each week? My youngest is a very sensitive little boy - he'll mix with most children (apart from one who was consistently horrid to him from a very early age) but if he gets upset, its quite difficult for him to get over it. I find that a childminder is much better suited for him than a nursery purely because of the smaller number of other children.

In all honesty, it was difficult at first because I only worked part time then & it took a good few weeks of him crying, clinging to my legs & begging me not to leave him before he completely settled in I clearly remember one morning, I took him and had to physically strap him into a buggy so I could get out of the house. I got as far as the garden path, turned & looked through the window & he was happily playing with the other children!!!

On my days off, we used to go to the wacky warehouse and also a SureStart group which was absolutely great (so much so that now I'm back at work full time, I miss it maybe more than he does!!).

My childminder also collects older children from the local school so he's used to going there which will be a great help (hopefully) come September when he starts.

A small part of me thinks that maybe because you have such vivid memories of your own shyness, you're worrying more than your daughter. At the end of the day, you sound like you're doing a great job!!

Lots of luck to you all

Hi, MLL my dd is 3 and sounds very like your dd. She has inherited my shyness, I fear - is soooo confident and chatty when on a 1-1 situation, or with people she knows really well, but clams up and clings to me in many other situations. She goes to nursery (has done since 16 months old) and had settled well (though it was hell for six months). She's just had to move nursery and has been quite withdrawn and today her teacher said she keeps going off in her own world. It's heart-rending, isn't it? Have same worries as you about starting school, etc - we also live in London and just can't imagine her in a big school with no loving adult (like at nursery) checking she is OK/hugging her etc. Sorry, no advice really - just to offer some support. Hugs

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Mummylonglegs, I looked so hard for a loving nursery for dd and was lucky enough to find one (fab Montessori). I looked at so many and was beginning to lose hope of ever finding one when I stumbled across it. The other place I left dd was a lovely creche at our gym, really small, with the most loving women working there. Left her for an hour max at the start. Maybe something like that, or a small playgroup for an hour, would help....?