Finding motherhood so difficult, wondering if I am cut out for it...

[rosycheeks81]

Hello,
I am new here (aside from a couple of posts about feeding), I usually post on another board but know people very well there and feel a bit ashamed of what I am about to say, was really hoping for impartial advice as I feel I am cracking up

I have a 16 wk old DD and I just feel things are getting harder and harder. In my darkest toughest moments I wonder what the hell possessed me to have children and reminisce over my old childfree life. Don't get me wrong, I love DD more than anything in the whole world, but it's just so difficult

It was tough from the start as due to f**k ups at the hospital and generally rubbish support and advice DD didn't latch on to feed - it became a majorly big issue for me and the first 4 weeks were a blur of expressing, bottle feeding and trying desperately to get her to latch on as she screamed at the breast

Then she did amaingly latch on and then despite the expressing my milk supply wasn't enough so I spent 3 weeks doing various things to increase my supply. It worked but all I can remember about the first 7 weeks are the feeding issue, it overshadowed everything. Then when she was eventually exclusively breastfed her sleeping was so messed up she fed every 1.5 to 2 hours round the clock (as opposed to going 3-4 hours when she was bottlefed!). It has been every 2 hours at night since then and to say I am exhausted is an understatement.

Before I just kind of got on with it and the daytime made up for the lack of sleep, however last week we had a reprieve and she slept 7-1, then waking at 4 and then 7, to me absolute heaven. I was really happy, DD was happy and I thought we had come through the tough start

This week however she has become like a child possessed, waking up completely at night to play and not going back to sleep, grumpy nearly all the time in the daytime unless I'm holding her, I can get her to nap but she wakes up after 40 minutes, obviously still tired but I can't get her back to sleep no matter what I try so I get her up then she needs to go back down 45 minutes later. The smiles and playing and happiness that made it all worth while seems to be gone and she just grizzles continously. I wondered if she had an ear infection or something else wrong but been to drs and she is fine.

I know these are all phases, but one difficult phase seems to be replaced with another and I seem to be continuously wishing time away. my friends who complain that their baby only sleeps from 7-4 are really getting to me as well. I just feel like I am continously doing things wrong, especially when the books I have read(you'll be able to guess the ones!) tell me that I have got into bad habits, or am making mistakes

The worst thing about it is that my DP who was keeping me calm and sane is now really getting down by the broken nights and the general grumpiness so I don't even have him to cheer me up, in fact it's become the other way round!

Please someone tell me it all gets better and is worth it, I feel like a bad person for even feeling like this when I have been given such a gorgeous gift. I just never realised it would be this hard

Sorry for the length and general rant, just makes me feel better getting it all down

Rosycheeks - as others have said, many, many mums on here have written the same thing (if you look back on my posts from a year ago you'll see how similar they are). The first 6 months for me, were honestly the worst six months of my life which is a dreadful thing to say, but true.

I read every book out, like you I was so used to being successful at work that I couldn't understand why I couldn't get being a mum right when it's supposed to be 'natural'. I remember crying to my mum that I just wanted my little boy to be happy, and my DH and I agreeing at 3am after another sleepless night that we would never, ever have another one...we started to see a chink of light at 5/6 months and by 9 months DS became much easier.

He's now 15months and is the happiest, smiley little boy you can imagine with a very cheeky sense of humour. Don't get me wrong, he still has the odd moment when we get tears and tantrums, but it's absolutely worth it. We're even starting to think about another one....

Hang in there!!!

Lots of brilliant advice here - all I can add is that I HATED being a mum for the first five months and only really started enjoying it at a year with each of them. It is just so unrelenting and (whispers) so bloody boring. I was convinced that they cried because I was doing something wrong because none of the other mothers at mother and baby group would admit they were finding it hard. Now they talk about the "first year hell" - I just wish they had admitted it at the time.
The sleeping is normal - each time she is just about to do something new developmentally her sleep will get messed up but it will become more manageable (and you will get used to it, it's amazing how many women of toddlers cope on 4-5 hours sleep really well)

It does get easier and more wonderful - I promise.

Are you getting out and about? When DD was about 4 months I just used to get up and go out for the day. She was always happier when out so I just used to go into town or take a train trip somewhere. I also (when the weather was nice) put her in her pushchair just as she was about to sleep and walk to the local park with my book. I sat on the bench reaing and when she had been asleep for 40 minutes (a baby sleep cycle) I used to push the buggy back and forth and she would drift off again.

Anyway - as everyone says it is completely NORMAL to feel like this. Just keep responding to her needs (even if inside you are screaming) and she will soon be a happy, confident little person who makes you feel wonderful.