6 yr old DD who is nasty and unkind to friends and doesn't listen to me or DH

[ducdo]

Feel awful even saying this about our DD as she can be so lovely, but at the moment is going through a really nasty stage and however hard we come down on her, she doesn't seem to care about the consequences of her actions.

She is nearly 6 and middle child. 2 brothers aged 8 and 2. Her teacher called me in to school as she made children cry. Things like 'you can't sit next to me', you can't come to my party', 'my drawing's better than yours'. All very petty but to other 5/6 yr olds, they start crying.

Week later, Rainbows leader said she smacked her friend (who did something to her but not as bad as hitting). Yesterday a friend and parent from school called me to say my DD had made her DD cry. I asked her about it and she said she didn't want the other girl to join in with her game.

We take things away from her, early bedtime, shout and scream, sticker charts, do the calm approach, give her lots of (positive) attention. You name it we've tried it but she just doesn't seem to care. Puts her hands over her ears and doesn't want to listen to us.

We cannot tolerate this behaviour, we won't stand for her being horrible to others and I don't want her to lose friends and be labelled as the nasty one but whatever we do, she is not improving. Or she has a good couple of days, then something else happens and we're back to square 1 again.

Would really appreciate some advice as to what to do. Sorry for long message.

I think you need to stop with the coming down hard on her, taking things away from her, shouting and screaming at her.

Stick with the positive attention, and the calm approach. And most importantly, lower your expectations of her.

She is still 5 and she is still learning the social rules. Give her lots of time to learn. And let rainbows deal with stuff at rainbows, and let school deal with stuff at school. Don't get into talking with other parents about it. Let her leave it at school and have a clean slate at home. Obviously you show her you back up the school and approve of them giving her consequences but IMHO she needs home to be the place where kindness and patience and thoughtfulness are modelled.

If she does stuff you don't want, don't shout, scream, or 'come down hard' - give a clear and calm consequence yes, but role model all the time how you want her to behave. Because that imo is the main thing we learn at home, is the social stuff

I think you could take it all a bit less seriously. Trust her to be fine - she's still so tiny, she'll learn

Thank you, I am welling up just reading your response, you are so right.

I try so hard to be patient and stick with the positive attention but sometimes she just keeps on and on pushing us and pushing us, seeing how far she can go until I am done with being positive and feel the only way is getting cross... but even whilst I am getting cross I know that is not the right solution and no doubt where she is picking up the bad habits.

Don't get me wrong, we don't smack her, but we do shout and I may wave my finger at her telling her the behaviour is unacceptable (which is know is the wrong way to deal with the situation )

That's whats so frustrating is that where is she learning this bad stuff .. I believe they learn it from home, yet my DH and I consider ourselves parents who are fair, fun, approachable, not too strict but enough to let kids know their boundaries .. which is why it puzzles us that she can be so un-kind.

After reading your response, will try extra hard to give more positive attention, be much calmer (leave the room if necessary when she winds me up) and let her see that our home is a kind, patient place to be.

Thank you

I would echo comments made and just say - hang on in there! as the mother of 3 dds girls do an awful lot of this especially at school. It sounds like she is pushing boundaries in every direction at once. I think that you do need to calmly explain consequences, eg if you do not act like a Rainbow, you will not be able to go anymore and there will be nothing that mummy can do about it. Agree, leave school stuff at school. she will be on the recieving end of this kind of behaviour from others ( if she is not already) and then will have a much better context to put it all in. Peer pressure is huge at this age and she will soon find out that being left out by the others is no fun at all. I do totally understand how hard and frustating it is, my DD1 drove me to distraction and back at this age. She is now a lovely 14 yr old who helps out with Rainbows and Brownies. Hang in there...practice counting to 100 a lot!

oh I'm so glad it was helpful ducdo

I think one major thing that I have learned having DS is that we all as parents do a lot of projecting of worries. We project that because they do behaviour "A" now, at 5, they will always do behaviour "A"

of course behaviour is about being 5 not about the long term behaviour or personality of the child!

and she's not imho learning to be un-kind; I think this self centred, un-social, egotistical behaviour is inherent in us, it's part of our development as human beings; we needed that selfishness to ensure we survived in the old days. That's what childhood IS, imo, it's the long process of learning to suppress that side of us for our and everyone's benefit!

It is hard to remember though - but I often tell myself to keep faith with ds and take the long view. Helps with the calm!

good luck