Concept of death - 3.9 year old. Share thoughts please on age old issue

[Sycamoretreeisvile]

Hi Ladies,

My DD 3.9 said to me the other day "mummy, children don't die do they, only grown ups die".

And also "mummys and daddys don't die to they, only old people die".

I was quite shocked to find myself just slightly swerving the issue and generally making noises to suggest she was right.

DD's beloved Grandad died when she was 2.5. She didn't really understand it but she knows he has "died" and we knew it was coming so she was as prepared as it's possible to prepare her.

We're not religious so I haven't done the whole "he's watching over us, with the angels" thing, but I have said that I believe he lives on in our wonderful memories of him and all the good deeds he did whilst he was alive, and all the things he taught us (can you tell I'm channelling Badger's Parting Gifts? )

Anyway, back to my OP. I realised I felt there was little point worrying DD unnecessarily. My thinking is that sooner or later she will realise that everyone, including her will die eventually. And by that time she'll be old enough to understand why I protected her from that at such a young age...if she even remembers me saying it.

I know some of you will say I'm setting her up for a shock if something tragic DOES happen but I have to say that's a chance I'm willing to take.

Am interesting in how any others have handled this issue with pre-schoolers, and anyone whose gone through it and up to the point where their DC's are old enough to realise now that everyone dies in the end.

I think 5 is quite young to 'worry' about death. I think it's more common around 9-10. I can remember being petrified of dying or losing a parent at that age. I think the questioning from the OP's child is pretty basic. The concept of dying at that age isn't as we understand it - a case of someone is gone forever and all the heartache that goes with it, I think it's more likely to be 'sleeping for a long time' iwswim.

"I use the same philosophy as with sex questions - if they ask the question, tell them the answer gently and accurately, and don't add any more information unless they ask for it"

I know this is the accepted approach to sex questions, but I feel kinda odd about it. With any other question my 4 year old DD asks I try and give her as complete an explanation as I can, but with sex I clam up because, well, that's the done thing and I fear the disapproval of other parents

Riven, I'm appalled. Just appalled. My OP seems stupid in light of your post

I think that when I was 5 I probably thought being 10 was a long way away.

I struggled with the (when people are really poorly they might die) because after my dad died, my mum did get quite ill (as is common - she nursed him through cancer and was exhausted).

I'd told DD at that point that very poorly people do sometimes die and of course when i told her Nana couldn't come and visit because she was really ill (stupid choice of words, but I wanted her to realise nana would make the effort to visit her GD's unless something really serious stopped her) she of course asked me straight away if it meant nana was going to die...

And DD isn't matter of fact about it. She has that worried look in her eye that makes me want to hide the truth.

shit, Riven, that's farkin awful. Completely fits in with my own experience of doctors though. I have said 'he's autistic. he can hear though' before.

She may well have heard it, but I think maybe when you're 5, 10 is forever away. And doctors DO NOT know everything.

I can't say anything useful, I know. So for you both.

I can recommend a couple of books if you like
No Matter What by Debbi Gliori
Goodbye Mog by Judith Kerr
Dear Grandma Rabbit by Dick Bruna [a Miffy book]

Riven - that's terrible . People treat children as if they aren't there sometimes. The only thing I can say is that my 5 year old niece thinks that her grandmother (73yo) is 10. I hope that your DD is equally hazy about age

Have to recommend this book for anyone bereaved/sad (adults or children)

"Michael Rosen's Sad Book"

He's the guy who co-wrote 'We're going on a bear hunt' and the book is about how he feels about the death of his son.

Incredibly well illustrated by Quentin Blake.

My first little boy was stillborn almost a year to the date before ds2.

We took him to visit his big brothers garden from he was weeks old... so he has grown up with the concept of death.

he asks questions we give him simple answers.. he goes away and thinks about thes answers and a few months later he comes back with more questions

I think its probs easier to explain as we go along .. but if we hadnt loss ds1. I would be skirting around the issue and shielding him as much as possible

doesnt make sense... but hopefully you see what I mean

Its another of parenting's great challenges