DD - 17 months. Cant currently cope with her behaviour

[pamelat]

I have posted many times about how my lovely DD is high spirited but challenging.

My grandma died on Saturday morning and I am/was very close to her.

Since this time DD's behaviour appears to be even worse and right now I feel unable to cope with that.

I have posted in bereavement about my grandma so feel able to focus on DD's behavour here.

I had to take her with me to the hospital at 6am on Saturday morning but I was 7 minutes too late to say my goodbyes, which was hard. DD was with DH so she did not see my grandma but has obviously picked up on everyone elses grief.

Then saturday afternoon we "had" to go to a close friends wedding. DD was invited but her behaviour was appalling, basically just shouting and being very almost aggressive. She keeps hitting me. I have been dealing with this calmly but this weekends its just been too much for me and I have taken it personally, silly I know.

DD is ok as long as we leave her alone and dont make her do anything, such as stay away from dangerous things or behave quitely for a few moments. She is very independent, and we obviously cant leave her alone as she is only 17 months.

DH had to take her out of the church as soon as the bride came in, despite me having bought lots of exciting foods and new books for the occassion.

Then yesterday there was a family gathering, mainly to support my grandad and once again she was very hard work. She would not kiss anyone goodbye and just kept shouting "no".

Worryingly she has also become very upset about flies/spiders/ants and specks of dirt. Screaming and shouting no at them.

She has gone to nursery today as normally I work on a Monday but if she was not at nursery I dont think I could cope with her

She normally sleeps 630-6am but last night she did 9pm - 5am .... she was still in bed from 630pm but just would not sleep. In fact she seemed fairly happy alone up there, happier than she had been all day

I read that emotional behaviour improves in a couple of months?

I haven't read your other posts about your dd, but she sounds very similar to my dd1 who is almost 2.

"No" (or "nom as she says ) is her favourite word - normally accompanied by finger wagging - and she says it to everything - even things she likes!

She whines pretty much all the time and needs constant attention/distraction to keep her happy.

She gets upset about little things - "mess", the pinky ponk, her baby sister etc

So I think it is just a stage

It must be hard when your Garndma has died as I am sure you wish she would just be loving and cuddly - but they never are when you want them to be.

Not the same - but my dd got worse just before her sister was born - it was as if she knew how anxious I was getting. So I am sure your dd is picking up on all the emotions.

Dd1 is now trying out hitting - I have taught her to stroke instead - but she still likes to test me.

Please don't take everything to heart - it is great that your wee girl is spirited and it sounds like you are dealing with her really well.

Thank you. Its nice to remind myself that its not just my DD.

Yesterday I over heard one of my family telling another that DD is "always like that" and I knew that they meant "noisy/difficult/loud/demanding" but she is the only child of the family so its difficult as people forget how hard toddlers are.

At the wedding I had people say "didnt the other babies do well", they were 4 months old!! Its different.

if they say stuff like that, just say "yes isn't it great that she is so spirited" - that will shut them up.

Your dd sounds like a toddler to me - they shout and demand attention all the time - but they can also be so funny in their little ways!

The 4mo babies will turn into horrors one day too!

Thanks I know I am being over sensitive but to lose grandma and then to have to go to a wedding and pretend that everything was fine was a bit much, and just feel a bit over whelmed by everything, to include DD's behaviour x

Your dd sounds totally normal to me and just like my dd from about 18 months until about 2 and a half years! Now she's 3 she seems to have come out of this stage finally. This behaviour is bound to seem harder to deal with when you're going through a bereavement. Try to ignore unsupportive people especially those who have forgotten what toddlers are like.
Hope things get easier soon.

Thank you

I think DH blames me a little and thinks I have caused her behaviour in some way but I really haven't

Two weeks ago she was fine with ants/spiders and used to laugh at them. Now she is terrified but its not anything I have done or said. I think its just that she is suddenly aware that they are real and that they move and that she can't control them?

I have no idea at all why she is suddenly scared of things like grass in the paddling pool or bits of dust/flecks on her?

I think you're spot on, she's starting to realise she can't control everything and it's very frightening.

I'm sure she must be picking up on the tension as well but there's nothing you can do about that so don't feel guilty.

Give yourself lots of TLC and try to take your mind off things by doing some fun things with dd so you're a bit distracted from the grief. I know it helped me a lot when my grandad died in Feb to have to get on with things as I had dd1 - 2.8 and dd2 - 1 month old to deal with!