Not judging, genuinely curious, but what should a 10 nearly 11 year old boy be able to do for himself?

[endless]

Pals boy is gorgeous, delish and a lovely boy.
She cuts up his food for him
puts tomy ketchup on his plate for him
puts out his clothes every day, he is unable to get his own clothing out in case he choses things that dont match apparently so he stands at the top of the stairs shouting to her to get his clothes out.
picks up dirty clothes from his floor
Pours drinks for him (he comes to find her and asks her)
He doesnt ever move his dirty dishes from the table.
Cant tie laces (who needs to tbh, velcro is fab)

Is this a bit mollycoddling or is this normal? Surely he should be able to do all of this for himself no (or i am bieng very VERY demanding of my 5 year old????)
I keep thinking ahead....what about when he gets married or moves in with a girl and cant do any of these things or thinks that this is what women do???

He is at high school in Sept,how will he manage? tis worrying no?

He really is a lovely little fella, but it worries me.Would it you?

I wouldn't be doing any of that and infact start getting them to do all of those at the age of 4/5

would NEVER dream of saying anything to her.
But have no expereince of children that age so wondered, and felt very {blush] about making my boy do so much for himself.

It does depend on whether the boy CAN do it for himself, but doesn't because someone else does it for him.

I have a 10 (almost 11) YO DSD. She will (if she can get away with it) get her dad to cut her food up, leave dirty clothes on the floor, hide dirty underwear, fetch her food and drinks (and doesn't bother moving dirty dishes - in fact will HIDE dirty dishes rather than move them to the kitchen)

But, I don't have - for a second - a doubt she CAN'T do it. She's not made to, so she doesn't.

If she had to, she'd do it in an instant.

I think you are right to be concerned (well, limited to your own child IYSWIM!) - my mum LOVED being in charge / in control and never taught me how to cook / sew etc., and as a result (even though I can do all of those things now) I lack a lot of confidence (which is galling when I meet someone who has loads of confidence but very little talent) - as I know I'm still suffering the effects of my mum telling me I couldn't do X, Y or Z.

SO, while I wouldn't be concerned about your friend's child - I know MY DS will be picking up his dirty underwear as soon as he's at all capable.

He already chooses his clothes (he's one) -he often doesn't match... So what!!??

I know why she does this, its because he is her youngest and has always been the baby of the family. He is adored by us all.

But like you say, this will impact on his future confidence and life.

he has very little confidence now and has her doing every thing for him, he cant even buy soemthing in a shop.

She loves this and says that he is just a "mums boy" and relies on her to do it for him. Which she loves.

Trouble comes also because he wont eat anything that hasnt been made by her saying "its not made right, its not made how my mum makes it"
He is a fussy eater to start with, so when i have made him a meal and he refuses to eat it because it doesnt taste like his mums, its a bit annoying.
She says "oh yes, he only lieks it a certain way"
So thats alright then!!

my son is 11 in august. he can do all od those things competently with exception of shoelaces. he does them,but not well enough,they undo too easily. and matching clothing....sometimes he picks out the things i wouldn't.

he also makes his own bed,strips bed to change it,runs his own bath,and tidies up afterwards,cleans kitchen and bathroom floor (he did this when i was pregnant to help,so now its a weekly chore). he also makes sandwiches,uses microwave,makes a cup of tea,empties bins and puts his own washing away....

most importantly though,he wants to do these things. and has been doing them from a young age,they all have,so its second nature now..

I suppose all kids like their mums cooking, though, don't they!??!

The problem comes when the mum enforces his thinking, so he actually believes it to be right.

I'm afraid I deal with a sister (who is 40 in a matter of weeks) who STILL won't cook a meal (believes she can't do it), STILL goes round to my parents house for breakfast each weekday morning, STILL has her washing done by mum and her pack lunch packed by dad...

My parents love it. THey are still fullfilling THEIR desire to be parents, and I often fight with my mum about her desire to control my life - she tells me I will act like this with DS and I know letting him go will be difficult... But I equally know what it's like to feel perenially guilty for growing up.

Must go - DS is playing with the dog's water bowl again!

I have a ten year old who clears the table, loads and unloads the dishwasher, hangs washing on/takes washing off the line, makes his own bed, can make simple snacks, like toast, cheese toasties and will sometimes bring me a cup of tea in bed! I should add his 8 year old brother can do the same.I wonder if your friend has daughters and if she would expect them to be more independent? My DH is very traditional and was waited on by his mother and three sisters.I don't want my boys to think women are here to wait on men!

I think Joben makes a good point about the boy's father.

My nephew still has all those things done for him at 13 and I'm afraid his father is a very traditional type. My sister does everything for both of them (as well as being the main earner).

I'm afraid the same sex parent has the most influence.

It's his future wife or partner I feel sorry for.

Drives me mad as dd (almost 6) can do all of the above apart from tie shoe laces ...and she can peel carrots, chop mushrooms, dust and polish and help hang up washing etc ...

.. she needs a bomb behind her to tidy up her toys before bed mind you

Sorry - forgot main point of that post!!

Does his father help around the house Endless if you don't mind me asking?

My DS is 9yrs old. On a school morning he showers himself, gets himself dressed (but I do put his clothes out), packs his school bag, and feeds the pets. I haven't cut his food up for years! He will clear the table after dinner if asked, and sometimes does odd jobs like hoovering the living room, or drying up. He ties his own laces and irons (with supervision) his scarf thingumy for cubs. Bless him!

my 4.5yr old does most of the things in the OP. He chooses his clothes int hemorning and puts pjs under pillow/in wash basket. sets table ofr tea and puts his dirty plate in dishwasher. I do chop up his food though...

He can pour a drink if the bottle isn't really full - just too heavy for him at the moment if it is.

At bedtime he starts running a bath for hima nd ds2 - obviously I check the temp etc, puts his clothes in wash basket and gets out his pjs.

DS2 2.5 does a lot of theswe things too. I think it's the point that he's being over mothered so why do these things if someone else will do them for you???

I think if you start them doing little bits for themselves when they're tiny, they really enjot it and it just becomes part of their day and so carries on into adulthood ( fingers crossed!!)

I have a 9yo who is mildly disabled. Out of that list I would:

help him tie his shoe laces - as he has bad joint problems (velcro not an option as he needs to wear piedro boots)

pour a drink if the container is very heavy- again, because his joint problems mean he is likely to drop it all on the floor

clear the dishes from the table- because of his disability he is likely to drop them and I can't buy new crockery every week

cut up his food- but again we are talking about a disabled child who is in pain

no way would I be doing this for an NT child

My brother is a spoilt little man and is 10 years old but even he manages to cut up his food (sometimes if it is something tough he struggles but in the main he does it himself).

He dresses himself, never matches mind! He can tie his own shoe laces, clears table, has to tidy his room and the front room when he has been playing. My Mum will sometimes do his ketchup only because when he does it then he puts on a HUGE amount, no concept of amount of ketchup in relation to food!

I feel sorry for the poor lad, it'll be embarrassing for him if he doesn't learn soon.

ahhhhh it seems that he is mollycoddled then doesnt it.
Poor lad, he is going to get ripped to shreds when he gets to high school, or in life in general.
He isnt incapable im sure (he is a whizz on those gameboy ds, box thingies).

There defo IS an element of laziness...if some one will do it for you then why bother doing it yourself.
But what about the future?
Will this taint future relationships?

I want my boy to be a good and fair husband/partner. I think i am setting him up for this by encouraging idependance and helpfullness.

I agree entirely with you Endless. My stepson is 11 and doesn't have to do anything for himself at his mum's house - the nanny does it all. Consequently this can mean tantrums and tears here when he is asked to do even the most simple things. I think he is lazy and spoilt but ultimately I believe the main problem is that it is no good for his development and independence to be so 'mollycoddled'. I really do despair at times. I also desparately hope that his two little brothers (2 and 4) will not copy his behaviour as there is no way I would want them to be so incapable (or unwilling) at his age (even the two year old picks his own clothes and tidies up his toys already)...

endless - my nephew is like this and is 15. He lives with my sister who has been a single Mum all his life and has almost no contact with his father. He no longer goes to school as he cannot handle the pressure. Its a shame as he is a lovely boy and very intelligent.

I very much agree with you, and we also treat our DSs in a way that encourages independence to be 'good men' in their future relationships.

Your pal's boy needs to become more independent to be able to live a fulfilled life as a man.

I don't worry so much about their future. My 18 yr old bro gets mum to do almost everything (ok he chooses his own clothes...but still expects mum to know where they are) but when he's with his freinds or girlfriends he is miraculously capable and even helpful. So I think they learn when they are on to a good thing.
Agree about cooking though. Mum was always irritated by us 'helping' and I only learnt after leaving home. I think it does the children a favour to teach them from early on, even if you do end up with eggshells in the omelettes.

V scary my son is 9 and helps load/unload dish washer,strips his bed,dresses himself and runs his own bath and washes himself very well,i think having a DH who also helps around the house has made it easier for my son,as for cutting up his food he'd starve before i'd do that,she has to stop thinking about her needs and think about her role as a parent to bring up a independant and confident child.

Christ think of his future wife.

He should be able to do all of that himself. Actually, he should be doing all of that by 6.

He is going to have a helluva time when he goes to senior school.

DD, 10, has just made a cake from scratch for tea . She is very capable in the kitchen and has just started to learn to iron on her own request.

Her bedroom is her responsibility and she will also help out with general household jobs.

Ds, 8, with ASD and learning difficulties, can dress himself, picks his own clothes both generally and for riding / athletics, always takes his plate into the kitchen and tidys his own toys away. He can make a cold drink and a simple sandwich. He does struggle a bit cutting some foods but is getting there.

I strongly believe in giving children life skills. ds will never be able to live independently but I will encourage him be as self sufficient as he can be.

He can definitely do all the things on your list. At 10, my son could take the bus by himself, buy things in shops, make his own lunch and that of others, make a cake, put his washing in the washing basket. Am sure there are lots of other things. Point is, your friend is not allowing him to gain any independence, which may well backfire on her at some point (either rebellion or extreme dependency into adulthood).

My Ds1 is 11 and has cerebral palsy and he can

Cut up his food
Put sauce on his plate
Choose his own clothes each day
Tidy his own room
Get himself a drink, make toast, and even warm milk in mircowave.
He does the dishwasher everyday with his sisters.
And brings his washing bag down for me once a week.

Things he can't do,
get into bath on his own,
tie shoes.
carry heavy bags
and play the violin lol

We have brought him up to be indepentant despite his disabilities, as he needs to learn that life isn't easy

DD1 told me a story once about a boy in her year (when they were about 14) who hadn't done his tie up properly after a PE lesson, he normally just loosened it and took it off over his head and then did the reverse afterwards. On this occasion his tie had come undone completely and he didn't know how to do it up again - his answer was to phone his mum to come into school to fasten his tie for him and yes she did come in.. My DS learnt to do his tie up when he went into the juniors at 7.