Scared child, but can't figure out why...any advice?

[squilly]

My 8 year old is an only dc. She's always been quite mature for her age, never been a brave child, but not overly-timid either, so this phase has caught me unawares a bit.

She seems to have regressed, behaviour wise, and is starting to do lots of fake crying, whining noises, the kind of behaviour you often get from toddlers rather than 8 year old girls.

This came to a head this week with two different incidents.

Wednesday - school trip. I went as a school helper. DD refused to go into an exhibition entrance because it was dark. Freaked out in front of her classmates and didn't want to go in. I eventually persuaded her this was the right thing to do and she went in, whimpering and fake crying all the way. Finally calmed down once she realised the environment was mostly well lit. That freaked me out a little but it all worked out o.k.

Then

Saturday - Visited my mums and my nieces. Niece has 2 dogs, very small, quite well behaved but pleased to see us. DD Freaked out, terrified, jumping up and down (which made the dogs much worse, more excitable and yappy) and kept whimpering and screeching. Same happened later in day with my sisters puppy, though she got used to this dog and played with it for ages, though still showed signs of nervousness.

Now...I know she's entitled to be scared of dogs or the dark, but her behaviour seemed disproportionately extreme.

Am I missing something here? Or am I over-reacting to her over-reaction???

HELP!

My third child did this at about the same time; combined with the baby talk she also adopted at the same time, it was enough to do my head in. Unlike with child 1, whom I would have come down on rather harshly for behaving like, I did nothing but tactically ignore it, and it went away by the time she was about 10. I think it may be a funny phase many children seem to go through. My advice is not to pander to it, and use tactical ignoring and matter-of-fact ways to deal with it. She needs to feel that although she is scared, there is actually nothing to be scared of. You staying calm may help her to regain her composure. With my daughter I might have said "you do realise you're making a mountain out of molehill, don't you?" and left it at that.

Depending on her personality though, maybe reacting to it the way you would if she were a toddler might help- lots of loud reassurance and hugs in a slightly overacted way- it might make her realise she is being a little OTT.

I think some children do go through phases of being phobic and timid about strange things. I did as a child - I grew out of most of it. I've read/heard from various sources that brighter children often go through this, because the world is a huge and scary place and there is so much to cope with and interpret for a young child it can become overwhelming and irrational fears can be a way of externalising this generalised anxiety.

I think you can only be calm, patient and supportive - she needs to learn that having fears is OK, and that they can be worked through in time, and that you are there to love and help her and not judge or rush her.

Don't belittle her fears or be too brisk about them - they are very real to her. Her psychological health will be stronger in the long term if you can be nurturing and patient with her now. Don't panic - none of this means she will be an anxious or fearful person later, just that she is still very little, and her little mind is working overtime. If she experiences calm gentle loving support through these phases, she will be able to nurture and care for herself - she will learn real, lasting coping skills and be better for it.

Thanks duchesse and greensleeves for the answers. Now I feel like Crap Mom of the Year... I did belittle her fears a bit and was not as supportive as I could have been.

She's at grandma's today, so I've got a bit of time to step back and just rethink about the way I'VE been behaving/reacting.

Your last paragraph made me feel much better Greensleeves. I think my biggest worry was that dd would end up being unable to cope with life going forwards and would be scared of taking risks with life, the universe in general!

Her fears to date have been mostly food related (fussy eater, afraid of new foods) but I guess we need to tackle this in a similar way...not make too much of it, but encourage and guide her.

Thanks again for the help....much appreciated.

I just wanted to jump in and say what a wonderfully well written and insightful response from greensleeves.

Squilly, I really, really don't want you to feel like a crap mother . You quite clearly are NOT a crap mother - you're confronted with something you're not sure how to deal with - that happens to all of us. You handle it in the best way you think you can for your child at the time. There's no instruction manual. All we can get from MN is the different perspectives and opinions of other parents - nobody can possibly know who is "right", or what the best thing is. I have my opinions, and I've shared them in the hope that they will add to the mix and be of use to you - I have no idea at all whether I'm on the right track or barking up completely the wrong tree. And for every poster who takes the time to type out their viewpoint, there will be 100+ who think "that's hogwash"

I read your OP and thought what a lovely caring concerned mum you were. I frequently think that on MN even when posters' opinions and approaches are polar opposites of my own. Our children are as different as we are, and what's right for one is wrong for another.

Don't you dare surmise that you're a bad mum! It's not true. You love your dd and you'll find a way with her - we all muddle through, it's the best we can do.

Ds went in for baby talk at this age too. Drives you up the wall, doesn't it? But he is 9, and it's gradually wearing off. Just hang on in there!

Ds did the fake loud 'crying' at 8 too, but I put his down to his new sister and therefore attention seeking. He soon got over it.

Squilly, does your Dd do it when you aren't there? have other people told you she has done it when you haven't been present?

Thanks Greensleeves. You are indeed a font of wisdom And I was just reacting hormonally I'm afraid (PMT strikes again). It wasn't your post which caused the Crap Mom statement, so I'm sorry if it came over that way.

Cory, it's great to know someone else has been through this and felt the same.

SoloisMG, it is mostly for my benefit though she has always performed this way for the MIL and SIL when they look after her. I always figured they were just infantilising her though...never thought dd would start doing this with me.

DD and I have a great relationship, so I'm sure we'll work through this. I'm just a bit disappointed with myself that I didn't handle it better at the beginning. It's like Greensleeves says, though, we're all different and we don't work from an instruction booklet, so it's a bit tricky at times.

Got to love the MN when this happens though. Thanks so much for the help.