20 MONTH OLD THRASHING WILD TANTRUMS... TOP TIPS PLEASE

[barnsleybelle]

My 20mth old dd has recently started having the most wild tantrums which scare me to be honest. Ds is 7 now and although we went through the 2's etc, it was never like this.
Absolutley anything may set her off and they seem to come from nowhere. I think i may know what's started it all, in that we have started a toddler group, plus she has started with a childminder for 2 mornings ( although i'm not back at work yet). Plus dh works away and has just returned to work after 3 weeks at home.

Her rage is uncontrollable. She thrashes, kicks, bites her own hand or me, pulls her hair and face and throws herself around the floor banging her head on the floor. If i try to hold her it makes the rage worse and she hits and bites me. If i try to talk to her she screams no and the rage increases. Sometimes it's for 5 mins but yesterday one lasted for 25 mins and i had to ring my friend to collect my son from school as i was scared to leave the house!! .

I suppose i would like to hear from anyone who has experienced this and have any tips on how to deal with it.

Thanks in advance

No tips I'm afraid, but bumping for you as interested in the response. DS is 18mo and showing definite signs of imminent tantrums. I've tried holding him still, but that makes him furious. Only thing that's worked so far is distraction (usually in the shape of Something Special or Postman Pat )

Bumping again, I am sure there are people around with really good advice.

My only way of dealing with tantrums is to leave the room. Without an audience a tantrum is a waste of space. I have even locked myself in the loo when I know she is safe or hang out the washing. She calms down a whole lot quicker if I do not fuel the fire. The moment you interject they have their goal, your surefire attention. If early distractions do not work, ensure she is safe and then quit the show. She may calm down a whole lot quicker.

I had a DD who had terrible screaming tantrums and rages. Somebody suggested I whisper something to her when she flew off the handle. Children are naturally curious and if you can stay calm and whisper something like "would you like a drink?" or similar, it may be enough to stop her in her tracks - because she'll want to know what you're saying. It worked for me, anyway. (As in, killed the tantrum stone dead and within a week they became a thing of the past).

Sarah... what a great idea, i will try this.
Blue... Not sure i can leave her cos she's bound to hurt herself with the way she flings herself about. I contemplated putting her in her cot but i don't want to use it as a punishment in case it throws her sleep off ( which so far is very very good ).

I have been having the same trouble with my two and a half year old. Her tantrums have been so severe in the past that DH and I were just shocked and scared, neither of us had seen anything like it before. I'm ashamed to say on a couple of occasions when I have been really tired and emotional and stressed that I have shouted back at her. I have managed to stop myself slapping back only by leaving the room, sometimes to lock myself away and have a cry!!
I am please to say though that they are easing already, it's only been a couple of months so far. What has worked for me is either telling her calmly what I'm doing then leaving her where she is, as long as she's safe obviously, she soon comes to find me and if she's still kicking off I go back to the other room again. This hasn't failed to work but sometimes takes up to 10 mins. The other thing I do, when I see one coming is to get really excited about something I can see or hear, she then forgets about it and tries to see what I'm looking at... a red car or a plane in the sky or Daddy's sock under the sofa!
Sorry if I'm waffling. Hope it helps.

Sarah! Thank you - I'm going to try that with my 4yo - have never heard that tip before!

WRT a 20m old - I've found that I just need to sit near, not interfere, not talk, just be there, and after a while they get closer and closer until they're ready to climb on my knee and cry it out.

My DS went through a stage of head banging tantrums around 18 months. I just stayed close by putting a large cushion where he was aiming his head next. The stage didn't last long - and we realized that it had been brought on by frustration at not being able to make himself understood. If baby signing had been around then I would have certainly tried it - though his speech developed extremely rapidly then so the problem disappeared.

Thanks so much for such a lot of reassurance and tips.
Melmog.... thanks for your heartfelt honesty. It made me cry because i too feel helpless and scared and tempted to shout. The idea of looking at something is a great one.
flaming... The cushion is something i will use as when she bangs her head so hard it makes her worse and then i think she's crying because it's hurt and i get frustrated that she wont let me cuddle her better.

Really hope it passes... it makes me realise just how easy ds was, as this is all new to me!

I lay my daughter down so she is safe and sometimes take her clothes off (at home that is!). She loves being nude and I have never seen her have a tantrum naked so there must be something about that one that works....Only problem is the tantrums start again when I try to get her clothes back on after shes wee'd on the floor!

sarahhappymummy That's genius!

Now can you invent a time machine so I can go back 6 years and not have had the terrible head-banging dramatics with DS1 ?

DS2 seems to have hidden the sonic screwdriver. Once I find it again, I'll get to work on the time machine!

you have described my ds exactly to a T, he's 22m and has hardly an discernable speech so i think that is the root of his frustrations and anger. He has some awful tantrums i started a thread today about it too!!

i find if i ignore or turn him away from me or sit him outside room it is better than trying to hold him, he lashes out at me and my oldest sons. We are awaiting referral atm to ENT for his ears which may have slight damage from recurrent infections. So until i know about his hearing and speech its hard to say.

Nicola My DS1 was extremely tantrummy, and had repeated ear infections (with a perforated eardrum at 18 months).

His speech developed very well, so I didn't discover he had glue ear until he was 3, and he was relying on lipreading quite a bit.

I don't know for sure, but I think a lot of his tantrums came as a result of tiredness due to the effort of straining to hear, and the discomfort that the glue ear caused in noisy situations.

oh bless him, ds3 did seem very tired today. i feel so sorry for him and his ears, and so angry that i've had to keep pushing for help from docs and finally now they are doing something.

Its nice to hear that there are other people that are in the same position as i am! I also have a 20month old who has the most dreadful tantrums. I take her to playgroups on a regular occasion and quite often she will bite, scream, head butt and even scratch other toddlers that are trying to play with her. She is a very independent girl who I think might be getting frustrated with certain situations? it is so hard to know what to do as she is still at quite a young age to put in a "naughty corner" or reason with her. Recently, she gave one girl a black eye, scratched all down her face and pulled her hair all in one day. And this is a girl who she sees on a regular basis and who is her friend! She also bits and head buts me which I find really hard to deal with. It is a constant battle but I find that a firm, strong "NO" can sometimes shock her. I tell her why she's being naughty and that is hurts people. I have smacked her hand on a couple of occasions but I then I think I am doing the wrong thing as its showing her that mummy does it too. I have stopped this now and just have to keep calm and tell her off. I have been in tears at playgroups as I can see some parents slowing dragging their child away so that Madeline (my daughter) doesn't attack them! I keep reassuring myself that it?s only a phase that that by the time she?s 20 it'll hopefully have stopped. I don?t think there is a right or wrong way to deal with this as each child is different but you have to be consistent with your punishments/discipline. Hope this has helped, any more advice welcome too please!!!

belinda I feel for you. My DS2 used to push and bit other children at this age

The playgroup thing is tricky, but while she's like this with other kids I would reduce the amount of time you are there, make sure she's not hungry (hunger had a HUGE effect on my DS2s mood and behaviour) and leave as soon as you start to see signs of her losing it. You will also have to watch her like a hawk!

If she does something to another child, I would right away show a lot of concern for the other child, take your DD away with a minimum of talking, and sit quietly with her.

If she kicks up a fuss at that point, I would tell her that you will go if she continues, and then quickly leave if she doesn't stop

Does she get frustrated when others try to join in and "mess up" her game? DS1 was (and is - he is 8) like this. He did not used to lash out, but would get very upset. Large groups don't necessarily suit them, and a chaotic atmosphere can get to them. GOOD LUCK !

screamingabadab, thanks for your post - She does get frustrated when others try and join in but she can also become aggressive towards others even when they haven't done anything! Hair pulling is a regular now to which i give the injured child a cuddle and fuss and take her somewhere quiet to tell her that what she's done was naughty. sometimes silence is more powerful. i have created a "stare" to which she seems to know that she's done wrong. We had a tantram in the park the other day to which i tried to distract her - animals, food, toys etc. nothing worked. I walked off and said nothing and sure enough she followed me crying for a cuddle.

Hungar can be a "set off' off these paddies and also she is worse if she is tired. other times i have no idea why she is like this.

i took her to the park this week - she was climing up the ramp to get to the slide, stopped at the top and waited for this boy (complete toddler stranger) to get to where she was and yanked his hair!! poor boy didn't go on the slide again through fear of my child!! i have no understanding of how my little girls brain works and really gets to me! doesn't help that im 14 weeks pregnant and that im tired and emotional too!!

Thanks for your help - bedtime is a complete nightmare too at the moment to which controlled crying = launching herself out of her cot. time to buy a bed me thinks ..................... HELP!

*belindap I know it's easier said than done,and it sometimes seems as if your child is the only one doing this, but it is very common (normal in fact),so try not to worry.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. It's just a drip drip approach at this stage.

I too was perplexed and horrified about DS2s social behaviour, and it's easy to slip into the idea of seeing them as "aggressive". Certainly, sometimes the pushing etc. IS just to get their own way.

The irony is that DS2 was and is very sociable,and likes big groups. It seemed to me that sometimes he was just trying to make contact with another child (albeit in a rubbish way), sometimes he was just seeing what would happen. For example, he went through a phase of pushing little newly-walking toddlers over. Totally mortifying! I stopped going to certain places for a while as I couldn't stand the stress.

DS2 is now 6,and a really lovely, sociable and lively boy. Very well behaved at school too. PS I had to do controlled crying too.

My dd is 20 months and has some spectacular tantrums,she hits her own head,though she hasn't ever hit anyone else,the tantrums are usually when we're leaving the park for example,and she doesn't want to,but the huge ones are when I try to say no to a breastfeed (want to cut right down/stop purely as 42 and really want another baby )..she gets so hysterical if a boob isn't produced she makes herself sick. The other tantrums I can usually diffuse quite quickly if I manage to stay calm (hmmm 90% of time fine but if she's woken 5 times the night before and still got me up at 530 I'm somewhat tetchier and snap...this never works well!) and give her a reason to want to do what she doesn't want to do (when we get home we can phone nana&papa/have lunch/watch favourite dvd etc) distraction is good for us. the whispering idea is fantastic, I'll try that tomorrow!

My 16 month old has been having rages since about 12 months he's a nightmare he finds the wall and throws himself into it over and over if I leave him or he will smash his head into a cupboard or the floor, he slaps and bites himself and scratches his eyes i let him carry on with it a couple of times so he would see it hurts and stop...but that didn't work so now I just speak to him calmly and ask him if he would like to come and look out the window or go in the garden he usually calms down sometimes if nothing seems to work I just leave him in the middle of the room to have his strop and if he goes near anything he could hurt himself on I move him back sometimes if I hold his arms firmly but not so it hurts he calms down but he has always liked his arms being held when he's upset