Beaten by 2.5 year old's behaviour

[exasperatedmum]

First let me start by saying that I have working in the caring professions for over 10 years, have taught courses on positive interaction and dealing with challenging behaviour. I am now a teacher, and my background is in psychology. I know the theory - and feel absolutely horrified to admit this, but I feel 'broken' by my dd's behaviour. She is a lovely girl - articulate, warm, and up until recently a joy to be with. Ds was born several weeks ago (and I know - it is a major life-changing event for her) and I'm struggling to cope. Every day I tell myself to be calm, to take deep breaths, to reward the positive, ignore the negative... Every day I end up at some point or other screaming and shouting at dd, and in tears myself. I hate the parent I have become. I can't even put my finger on what is so bad about her behaviour. She refuses everything, shouts "No!" and hits me. She attacks ds, and clambers all over both of us when I'm bf him. (Yes - I've got a box with toys and bits and bobs for her for when I'm feeding, and he doesn't feed for too long, about 10 minutes). I feel increasingly like I just don't want to be with her, but I've got no one to turn to for any kind of break. She's up at the crack of 5.30am every morning, and the screaming and wailing about what she wants and doesn't want is fairly unremitting all day long. Meal-times are a nightmare - she spends an hour or more being literally coaxed mouthful by mouthful, and she manages to spin everything out to last so long (e.g. getting dressed/washed/eating) so that we never have time to do anything or go anywhere. I can't really get out more because I'm so stressed and exhausted just finishing the day in one piece is my only goal. She doesn't go to nursery, no family able to help out - what can I do????

ohhh i am feeling for you, my 2yo dd is demanding andbossy and all that and i don't have a newborn..

one thing i picked out is the mealtimes - definitely think you should just leave her be and don't fight with her. it would be one less thing to worry about... offer the food, if she doesn't want it that's fine. keep nice snacks around so she can have at least something when she finally decides she's hungry, and eat her food yourself, youa re bfing so you need the extra calories she will not starve and you don't need to fight about it, and if she only eats biscuits and cheese for a week that is fine too it won't kill her you can sort it out later when you're both feeling more agreeable.

the behaviour is difficult is combo of typical 2yo and bit of jealousy, not sure of a solution, can you read to her while you bf so she still gets some physical closeness with you but is distracted from climbing on you both?

the shouting - i think almost everyone shouts at least once a day it doesn' make you a crap parent! but it does make you feel guilty and as you are tired and stressed it is all magnified... she won't just remember the shouting, she will remember the good stuff too.

do you go to any toddler/baby groups?

our failsafe solution to strops and paddies in the house is to go for a walk with doll and buggy and pick every single bloody dandelion we see. occupies her, gets some fresh air and daylight, and i get a walk too. baby can go in buggy or sling..?

hope that helps.. it will get better i promise

Thanks jb - just glad to hear it will get better!! We go to one toddler group, but only manage that because it is literally around the corner. Even getting in the car with both of them is a major logistical exercise at the moment. Have tried really hard today, getting craft materials out and trying to do fun things with dd, but she just whinges and cries and screams and it really gets me down. I suppose I just have to weather the storm!! I'll try to get out for walks more - never seem to be able to time it right with feeding ds, nappy changes, meal-times etc. I know it should be easy, its only a walk after all, but just can't manage it at the moment! Thanks for your thoughts and advice though, really good to hear someone has been through this!

Hi exasperated mum. Just wanted to say that I could have written exactly the same post (apart from you career). I have a 9 week old. and my DD who will be 3 in July is testing me every day and I fail on numerous occasions. I never thought I would be a shouty mummy but I have become one and at times I have really had to control the urge to smack her. She too has become controlling at mealtimes (she's never been a superb eater) so I now leave her to it and have decided to fight those battles a little later down the line.
I feel like I spend the days just shouting different instructions to her and she is defying me most of the time. Naughty steps turn into a game of cat and mouse which she enjoys so I don't think that's the answer for us at the moment.
I sometimes dread each morning as I don't know what the day will bring and it saddens me as she used to be such a beautifully happy girl. Now she just seems angry all the time. I start each day with a pact that I will be as calm as possible, smile when I really want to shout etc but it does tend to defeat me. Although I don't have answers, I hope that my post helps you in some way to realise that they are growing up and dealing with many different new scenarios and that at some point it will end. That's what I have to tell myself anyway!!
Got to go as DS is waking up!
Chin up!!
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