Separation Anxiety - please tell me it gets better!!

[CeeCee123]

Hi,

My DS is 20 months old and overall a happy little chap. He's had some sort of separation anxiety for quite some time, probably about 4 - 5 months if I think about it honestly. It's been fairly low level - preferring me to settle him at night instead of DH, getting a little upset when I leave in the morning but basically being OK.

Recently, we moved house then two weeks later took a two week trip to the US to visit family. Also, my DH did not travel back with us but stayed in the US on business for another week. Ever since then, DS has had major sleep issues and pretty severe separation anxiety. Today he just collapsed in a heap in misery when I went to leave. He won't even let DH carry him downstairs in the morning while I finish upstairs without acting like we've broken his heart. He's still fine at his childminde's, who he loves, although he's been clingy with her too and cries when she leaves the room.

I totally understand why he is this way, especially with all of our recent upheavals. However, we've all been back for two weeks now and it doesn't seem much better. I know it's partly the age and he'll be better once I can explain to him what's going on, but boy, is it breaking my heart! My day is just about off on the worst foot possible when I've peeled a sobbing child off my leg. Not to mention that my DH finds it stressful to be treated like a second rate citizen and not being able to comfort him although DS is totally devoted to him when we're all together.

sigh - just looking for some friendly words of advice and encouragement right now! I'm drained....

It does get better. DS is still clingy and still prefers me, but he does now go happily to playgroup. He still plays very near me when we go to toddler group, but this is better than him being on my knee for the two hours every single week.

He is 29 months.

Gosh, I feel grotty for a long time after coming back from a long trip. DD has taken about a month to get back on track from our trips to the US, what with jet-lag and settling back into boring ol' normal. Perhaps a bit more time will do him nicely, or at least get him to the pre-trip status.

Maybe even more cuddles and affection for awhile, since you have had a lot of disruption lately? Maybe more explanation of the situation in calm moments?

But I dunno.... I'm sure you know what you're doing and it's just hard. Separation anxiety is just a tricky one. Not nice for parent or child! So in any case, from my cling-on to yours, commiseration and encouragement to you!

I'm sure you know the obvious, enact a routine for bedtime and stick to it, be calm in the run up and make sure he knows what to expect all through the day by explaining things and preparing him verbally.

Time will help things, but making sure he can feel confident in what will happen will help too. You can't help it when plans change but explaining things really can help. If you say 'mummy is going to the loo, I will be two minutes and you can wait outside the door and I'll talk to you through the door' is easier to handle than just nipping away suddenly.

Things are changing a lot for him, he's tired and confused and he's clinging to you because you have never let him down and he knows he can rely on you, why would he let you go? If you put yourself in his place, it makes a lot of sense.

Be calm, be predictable, he'll come right.

yes it gets better, but you need to give him all the love you can when you can - don't peel him off you/insist he sleeps alone/whatever unless you absolutely has to. The only way he can become more secure is by getting what he needs emotionally from you. He'll get through it, but will get through it faster the less you make him separate from you as that just compounds it.