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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

9 year old's independence / being late

15 replies

DeadTall · 19/05/2009 20:18

My 9 yr old has just started to go out on his own to play football with his friends in a local park. He has a watch and I've given him clear instructions on when he needs to be home, and he rings me from his friend's houses if he moves from one place to another. One weekend he was 25 minutes late and I made sure he realised how worried I was and how important it was to get home by the time we'd agreed. Since then he's been about 5 mins late each time, which at first I wasn't too worried about. But as it happened every time he went out I told him that the next time he was late I wouldn't let him out the next time his friends invited him out.

Today he came home nearly 10mins late, very upset as he knew he was late. I have to stick to my word - he's devastated & I'm now worried that I'm expecting too much. Any thoughts?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

wrongsideof40 · 20/05/2009 00:00

Stick to your guns, otherwise will not improve !!

bettyjack · 20/05/2009 01:43

Can I just say that 9yr olds are alot more independent than years ago. My 9yr old girl often plays out with her friends as long as she tells me where she is going. Never too far maybe 10 mins walk max. I always like to meet her friends and chat to them first so they understand etc.

I think 5/10 mins is not bad...If you get to anal about minutes it will back fire. Just amke sure that when he comes back you have a good conversation with him about what he has been up to in a friendly way. He will then want to come home and chat to you about his day and perhaps not want to be late. If he is a little late and you are so harsh with him everytime then surely he will hate coming home??

Just my opinion.

KingCanuteIAm · 20/05/2009 01:49

He is obviously pushing his time to get every possible second out of it - and getting it wrong, he needs to address this and sticking to your word will make him do that! Can you get him a watch with an alarm on it for the future? Set it for the time that he needs to leave to be back on time until he gets used to the idea that you have to leave earlier than you want some times!

Tortington · 20/05/2009 07:03

watch with an alarm on

and beware when they have the 'might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb' mentality.

i used to say - when the street lights come on as its an indicator that you cant really miss, although this was during summer break and they were only on the street.

mychildrenarebarmy · 20/05/2009 10:19

Stick to your word and don't let him go out the next time. But maybe also try a slightly different tactic. Say that if he makes it back on time the next 3 occasions he can have an extra fifteen minutes the time after that. Make sure he understands that the extra fifteen minutes will only apply the next one time. The idea of having a watch with an alarm on is a good idea too as it means it can be set for say 5 minutes before you think he should be leaving (but tell him that is when he will need to leave to get home on time).

Try to find out from him what is making him late getting back. If it is friends egging him on to stay longer then he could always tell them he has to leave before he really does. Then he can play along with being persuaded to stay while at the same time not actually doing anything wrong. If it is because he loses track of the time then the alarm idea would also work for that.

Hope that all makes sense. They are all things that I have tried in my nannying days. My DD is only 6 at the moment and won't be allowed out unsupervised until she is 56

KingCanuteIAm · 20/05/2009 10:32

I have just thought of a differnet tack you may like to try.. it is going back on your word a little but, I think, at 9 he should be old enough to understand the conversation and see the responsibility.

SO, you usually let him out till, say, 6pm? Tell him that, because of his time keeping troubles you are now going to test ou just how good he can be at getting home on time, therefore, instead of grounding him you are going to let him go out and play with the others but that he has to be back 1/2hr or whatever earlier than normal (fix an apporpriate amount of time depending on how long he is usually out for). Then if he makes it back on time you will elt him go back out to play with his usual curfew, if he doesn't he stays in and has his grounding the next night/

My thinking is this, he is clearly upset and it appears he has not been naughty as such, just pushing the boundaries too far. If you give him the opportunity to prove himself to you he should feel a sense of pride in doing that, he also stands to gain some respect and responsibility from you. You are not actually giving him no punishment, you are postponing the actual punishment to allow him the opportunity to show he can be trusted, if he does it then he will now you mean business but that you are fair, if he does not he will know you mean business as he will still have the punishment... I am waffling..

anyway, just a suggestion that I thought could work - alongside the alarm watch which I think is key in these situations!

Custardo, my Granddad used to say "be back before the lights come on" how on earth are you supposed to do that then? I never quite figured it out and was always late/grounded

Original poster

DeadTall · 21/05/2009 16:17

I will definitely get a watch with an alarm for him - never thought of that. Thinking about it, I don't believe he's being deliberately naughty, at the moment he's just getting too caught up in having fun to notice the time. If it becomes a problem even with an alarm, then I think I'll try KingCanuteIAm's strategy.

bettyjack - your comment about hating to come home really made me think.

Thanks all!

OP posts:

ICANDOTHAT · 21/05/2009 19:05

Didn't let my ds out to park until he was 11 .... is that late ? Didn't feel he was responsible enough until then

KingCanuteIAm · 22/05/2009 00:00

Good luck Deadtall, he sounds like a great chap!

Icandothat, no, lots of stuff is dependant on lots of other stuff and part of it is your own feelings and your judgement of your childs abilites. I don't think 11 sounds old

nickschick · 22/05/2009 00:27

My sons, unfortunately due to where we live, have all had to abide by very strict rules,I tell them what time I want them home and I expect them home then so either they fone and tell me where they are and why they are late in which case I might send their dad for them or they come home late and every minute= 1 day of grounding.....strict but effective.

At 9 tho my dc are still quite restricted and certainly not allowed where I cant see them.

mumeeee · 22/05/2009 16:26

I wouldn't punish him if he was only 5 or 10 minutes late. It.s easy to lose trak of time when you are a child and are having fun with your firends. i didn't let my children start going to the park on thier own until they were 10.

nickschick · 22/05/2009 19:30

Mummeeee its only recently that my middle ds who is 14 has been 'allowed' out of view of the front door and thats why I imposed the strict rule of 1 minute=1 day of grounding -ds2 is very capable of stretching a 5-10 minute lapse into another 30 mins..if he fones me to say im at xxxxx place can i have an extra 30 mins?- usually i say yes.

mumeeee · 23/05/2009 00:14

I expect a 14 year old is old enough to keep track of the time properly but I think this is a bit much for a 9 year old.
By the way why have you only just started leting your 14 year old out of view of the front door?

nickschick · 23/05/2009 10:08

Well if you lived where i live you would understand - actually I live opposite the football pitch where most of the local kids congregate other than that they hang around the shops.

Although I understand you may feel Im 'strict' the fact remains where we live there is a huge drink/drug problem with teens-just last summer a young girl collapsed paraletic(sp) on the pitch across the road- she had a heady mix of alcohol and lay unconscious on the floor -she was 12 .

Amongst their friends (i also have a 15 yr old) most of them drink and smoke-others outside of their social circle do drugs and there have been rapes and teen pregnancies.

I would say that my parenting is responsible.

My children are 'safe' in this environment they can walk the street - we often take our dog for walks in the evening and see these kids loitering around - indeed we witness drug busts and car jacking frequently.
But this isnt a way of life Im keen to encourage - my dc are happy following the rules and do go to friends houses and up town/cinema/maccy ds etc just that I know where they are at all times.

Very sadly a schoolboy from their school was killed in a tragic road accident early one evening and that too as affected how i feel.

I have an 8 yr old ds who is very popular he plays on the pitch too (its a pitch and a walk area with trees and stuff) with his friends and they play in each others houses too but he too has 'rules'-one of his friends lives out of view of our house and he fones me from there to say hes there and safe - its a 27 second fone call and it ensures my ds is safe.

nickschick · 23/05/2009 10:11

BTW I forgot to add the vital part of the explanation ds2 is quite a poorly boy has M.E and can collapse or become very weak, so it is wise I keep my eye on him.

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