3 year old with behavioural problems and single mum

[henryhsmum]

I have a little boy who'd 3 and a half and his father and I split up a year ago. I am havig real problems with his behaviour as while he is a very sweet, intelligent and loving boy he is hard to deal with in some ways, main ones being:

tendency to run off from me to extent i take buggy everywhere as I know I am lucky if he will walk co-operatively even around the local shop! he is very heavy and I am small and I am finding this more diffiuclt to deal with as I can't just carry him easily

Obsessive about certain toys

Won't listen if I say no - I have tried naughty step etc but he doesnt seem to understand it

Very slow to potty train - he didn't show any interest but I started it anyway two weeks ago as he is 3 1/2 now.He sort of gets it that wee should go in the toilet but he doesn't tell me.

the latest one is getting up 5.30 in the morning - i have tried telling him to go back to bed but he won't have it and pulls the covers off me. It normally ends with me letting him watch a Thomas DVD so i can get some sleep - I feel really bad for this but I work full time and can't function like this! How can I get him to accept this isn't a time for us all to get up - i don;t mind if he would play in his room but he tries to insist I get up too!It throws the routine for the whole day as he then falls asleep at lunchtime and is grouchy all afternoon

Basically I am just at the end of my tether with him as I feel i try and do everything it says in the books but he just doesn't respond. Iguess the sleep thing is the last straw as he used to sleep well, it started asfter the potty training - he wearing nappies at night becuaase he isn't dry during the day and is always very wet in the morning but I wonder if he is waking up for a wee at 5.30? The thing is he is too wide awake to go back to bed. I know this all sounds awful but basically I am getting really depressed around him as I feel he is always the weird one amongst his friends and i have no time to myself and hence I'm not enjoying any tine I do have with him.

Any comments/advice?

He sounds like a normal 3 year old to be honest with you. Walking's boring, running away is much more fun. My son is 10 and still finds walking dull so we play a game (miss the cracks on the path/I spy etc).

say no in a firm voice and be persistant. If he's not allowed to climb then make sure he's told no all the time, if you let him off he'll get mixed messages and will expect to get away with it the next time.

Potty training takes time. Make a big fuss when he does it.

If 5:30 is his time for waking then let him get up. Can he not play in his room for an hour whilst you sleep? He's too young to understand that it's not the right time to get up so give him something to occupy him. Is the sun getting him up? A blackout blind might help.

I know some of it is normal 3 year old behaviour. The problem with him is that no matter what I do to convey the message that something isn't acceptable, he will not listen and does not stop or obey me. This is why I often end up carrying him in shops becuase its either that or he will just sit on the floor and not get up. I guess really I just need some advice on how to get him to listen and obey me. I do try to be conssitent but the trouble is he is very wilful and just ignores me!

7am used to be his waking time. I have tried to get him to sit in his room but the troube is he screams and says he wants to go downstairs. I've got a blackout blind in there so I don;t really know what it is that gets him up. Do you think letting him watch a DVD so i can get some sleep is really bad?

Of course it's not really bad. You need sleep to be able to care for him. If it works and he's OK then there's no problem with it.

I used to bring ds straight home if he stopped listening to me when we were out or he started to misbehave. It's tough having to be the loving mummmy and the one that tells them off. You do need to show him that you are the boss though. If he ignores you then you need to show him that this is not OK and that there are consequences. A warning will help, it's like a stop and think order. Have you tried a warning then return home?

Sounds normal, but hard to cope with on yur own.

Running off - maybe try one of those rucksaks with a long handle on. Can't think of the name atm.

Obsessive about certain toys - is that really a problem? Chose your battles wisely!

Potty training - if it's not happening leave it a couple of months and try again.

Early mornings - have you tried one of these? It's worked wonders for us in conjunction with reward charts.

I havent tried a warning then return home as he generally wants to go home anyway and is playing up because he doesn't want to do something. I often end up bribing him with a Thomas magazine in supermarkets to get him to behave but I wouldn't be able to do a full shop without him being in the trolley - I'm lucky if I can buy 3 or 4 items without a tantrum.

At home I will take Thomas off him and that sometimes works.He is obsessed with Thomas and not very interested in his other toys other than books.

Part of issue with him is he doesn't really have conversations with you. His vocabulary is good and he will form sentences and answer quesions but two way converstaion with him tends to be limtied to questions and answers about his immediate needs e.g. I can't get a response if I ask him what he did at nursery or what is your favourite colour

I guess i'm maybe expecting too much but part of my concern stems from his nursery saying his conversation/interaction skills are a bit delayed although they do say he's intelligent.

Hi

I haven't tried the thomas clock - I;ll look but I'm not sure if he is too young to understand it. With the running off its more that he wants to go in the opposite direction and sits on the floor or runs off - how can I make him walk if he doesn't want to?

I tried him on reins and he tried to grab them off and sat down when I persisted! Annoyingly with his 6 year old stepsister he trotted around quite happily with her holding them. I have to admit its me he plays up with more than anyone something his dad is quite smug about it

P.S. What is a good bedtime for a 3 year old - is bath at 7.30pm asleep by 8pm too early?

The Thomas clock worked when our ds1 was 2 1/2. We did star charts and if he stayed in his room until Thomas woke up for 5 mornings then he got a reward.

Bribery is alive and well in this house and I think I would tackle the not walking/running off with a simialr tactic! Something like if you can walk around this shop with me then we'll go to xxxxx for a drink and a snack, then build it up to 2 shops, 3......

Our son is now 3 1/2 and is bed by 7pm. He sleeps until 6.30/7.00

How does clock work then - does the child have to tell the time? I have sort of tried star charts but he isn't that interested in them - I'm not sure he can grasp the concept thatv he will get a reward in future - he very much just conceptualises thing as they are at that moment.

8pm is good. Does he nap during the day?

Can you give him something to find when you are in the supermarket to keep him occupied. They like to feel useful . What about a small shopping list with pictures of things that he can find? Bananas/apples etc? Then he can count them into a bag. It's normal for children to test the boundaries with the parent they are the closest to. It's an odd way of them feeling secure. Just be consistent. Little boys like games. I used to turn everything into a game, even getting dressed. It's more fun this way so they are more likely to cooperate. The conversation will come, keep talking to him.

No, you set the time that it "wakes up". Your ds can press the button to put Thomas to sleep and the picture in the middle changes to a sleeping face and a nightlight comes on. When it gets to whatever time you've set in the morning, the clock changes to an awake face and the light goes out. No actual time telling for the child.

It only works on a 12 hour clock though, it would be ok if your ds goes to bed at 8pm, as I guess getting up about 7ish would be ok. Our son gets into bed about 6.45 and his is set to wake up at 7am so we reset it when we go to bed.

We started gradually and got the wake up time from 5.30 to 7am over a couple of weeks.

Do you know what, still have buggy for 4 1/4 year old as he can't be trusted not to run off and at 20kg is far too heavy to be carried. Is beginning to get there but my problem was that he didn't care if he lost me - lack of attachment. So i can recommend an number of shops that have missing child policies that work and a list that don't!

It will come but takes time. we found bribery didn't work but made things worse as he refused to behave UNLESS he was bribed. Now we have tv and computer bans.

I can't get a word out of my boy about playschool but if you ask him about space - he is a talking encyclopedia. I would advise you to get him to talk to you about his favourite topic -eg thomas. Get something stupid going and make sure it is something he is enthusiastic about.

p.s. i still refuse to talk ds shopping. but am lucky as i can smile nicely at sis to sit for couple hrs when he is in bed.

I think I will definitely try the clock as he loves Thomas so it might just work. i sometimes tell him the engines have gone to their sheds for the night when I put him to bed and drag him away from his trains!

I will have to try making things into more of a game - he does sometimes help me count out the shopping but there are so many times when I have just dumped the basket and had to run after him!

I have to admit that henry doesn't have the recall reflex as I call it. We have tried it in the park a few times but he will go some distance and won't turn back towards me.

I think the biggest problem with him is he is very stubborn and just will not be told no or persuaded and I just don't know what to do - I found myself thinking of putting a lock on his room the other day, not that I ever would!

But the bedroom space can be used to great effect. If ds hits, kicks bites, punches, pinches etc... ... then he goes in his bedroom AND STAYS THERE ... until he and I am calm enough to deal with each other. If he throws his toys about he tidies them away. initially it was together tidying - now it is him. And if he doesn't he looses the toys for a week. I won't except cuddles or kisses of him simply saying sorry or I love you. he uses that to manipulate. If he is really sorry he still gets 5 mins, if he says it and it not calm he stays till he is calm. But you need a cup of coffee and a good book and be prepared to hold the door shut the first couple of times so he get the idea to stay. Just be aware that screaming is loud and long. but we have had great success and I no longer have bruises every where.

Oh and watch the clock thing. Had to take clockwork clock down as ticking kept Ds awake and he learnt to reset the time on the digital clock within 2 days.

But then again DS is still awake and shows no sign of giving in and going to bed

I think I will try putting him in his room if he is naughty - I have tried it but he opens the door - perhaps I do need to just try a bit more. he does the i'm sorry thing or I want a cuddle - I think maybe I am giving in too easily and cuddling him

Hi just wanted to say he sounds completely normal, just got his 'funny little ways' like my son has. Doesn't mean that they're easy to cope with though!

Don't worry too much about the potty training. He will get there soon. My son knew what the potty was for and how to use it, but absolutely refused to wear pants & use it till about 3 months ago. He's now 3yrs 8months .
I did worry about it a bit, but didn't force him, and let him continue to wear his pull-ups. Every so often i'd casually say 'do you want to try big-boys pants today?' and if he said no i'd just leave it.
Then one day he just said 'Mummy, i don't think i need to wear nappies anymore' so i asked if he wanted to put pants on like it was no big deal and he said yes! And he just carried on wearing them after that...we did have lots of accidents tho to start with and he wears pull-ups at night cos he still wets in his sleep.

As for putting the DVD on, I think if it works & he's happy, do it. try not to feel guilty. My son wants 110% attention from me all the time at the moment, i can't even sit down for 5 minutes without him climbing on me,or following me to the loo, etc & generally doing everything he can to make sure he's got my attention.It's exhausting & like you it's depressing me a bit because it seems no-one elses child needs so much attention. I'd LOVE him to sit and watch a DVD on his own!

I would just advise that if you use the room thing you can't shout or get really cross in your voice. Stay calm and explain as you did X you need to go to your room to calm down/ ready to say sorry. then we will talk. Actually the benefit of an extra year is the extra understanding. So when you talk try "I still love you but I get cross when you x. I don't want you to do it again because it hurts/is naughty ..."

good luck and hang in there it gets easier if you stick to your guns and do the same thing everytime. Plus now I use his naughty time to do jobs. Especially the ones I don't normally have time for ... Ironing, folding etc...

Meant to say also that his bedtime sounds fine. Mine goes to sleep anywhere between 7 and 8pm, and wakes between 6-7am.

You mentioned you work full time. Might be nothing to do with it, but is it possible that he's wanting more time with you & getting you up at 5.30 means he gets more time with you? Sorry if that sounds daft, but my son went through a phase of always waking 10 mins before his dad left the house at 6am. He said it was so he could 'see daddy' before he went.

Sorry ds wanted bum cleaning You also need to spend some time to do something nice together afterwards when dc is behaving.

bedtime seems to have gone out window tongiht

Oh yes, and the obsessive toy thing same here. First it was those little matchbox cars. He's got over 100 and never touches them now. Then he was obsessed with Transformers, even though they're too old for him. He would even cry over the TV adverts for them before Xmas, he wanted them so much.

Bought the ones he wanted (against my better judgement)and before january was over they were ignored. Hardly looks at them now. Now it's dinosaurs, every game HAS to have dinosaurs chasing people in it & we have to play it non stop for hours. AARRGGHH!

tendency to run off from me to extent i take buggy everywhere - continue keeping him strapped in buggy or use reins until he can be trusted to not run off.

Obsessive about certain toys - put his special toys away when other children are coming over to avoid fights and arguments.

Won't listen if I say no - I have tried naughty step etc but he doesnt seem to understand it. Rather than saying no or don't tell him what you want him to do instead. If you say to a young child don't climb on the table they tend to just hear climb on the table so do the opposite of what you want. It is much better to tell them to get down from the table.

Very slow to potty train - starting just because you think he is too old to be in nappies isn't a good idea. if you force it before he is ready IME it just creates an issue and he will resist it and it will end up taking much longer. every so often just say to him do you want to use the potty/big boy's toilet today? If he says no leave it - let him tell you when he is ready and it will be a much more pleasant experience. I know of boys who have been about 3.10 before they potty trained.

Early waking - try black out blind and black out curtains. IME you need the double system to block out chinks of light around the edges. Also leave his favourite toys/books out for him and a cup of water/juice and a cup of milk.

You could try this I think I have seem them cheaper but can't recall where, sorry. Alternatively try fairy lights or a night light plugged into a timer switch. Either set it so the light comes on or goes off when it is an ok time for him to get up.

You don't have to reset the kidsleep one like the Thomas one because it is a digital clock.